Scientists Unveil Jackass Clock

Scientists from a panel of leading universities held a press conference Tuesday to unveil what they call the Jackass Clock. According to researchers in the know, the Jackass Clock is now showing 6 minutes until Total Cultural Retardation (TCR). It had previously read 5 minutes until TCR.

Scientists were quick to remind viewers that this is largely symbolic, although some parts are literal: “This is for real. We are headed for the ultimate state of blithering absurdity, but it’s probably a bit further off than 6 minutes,” said one gray-haired researcher. He looked around the room at the gaggle of media writers, then added, “Or not. Who knows? Maybe we’re already there.”

One of the reporters, a Newsweek writer with a severe haircut and sensible shoes who may have played women’s softball in college, asked what cultural factors were contributing to the rapid decline in collective intelligence in American culture, and the panel of scientists produced a list of activities that caused noticeable alarm among the audience.

When the Newsweek reporter saw “The Rachel Maddow Show” at #23, she glowered angrily.

Elsewhere, the list included the omnipresence of “smart phones,” the ubiquitous nature of those tiny little toy cars on the highway, and people who give their children “creative” names. One scientist explained the complex formula used to “compute” the minutes remaining on the clock to the audience: “a wealth of factors are taken into consideration, but some factors are leading us to this doomsday scenario quicker than others; for example, reality shows speed up the Jackass Clock, but constant replay of Modern Marvels episodes slows it down. Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin offering ‘analysis’ on NFL Network speeds up the Jackass Clock, but the presence of Rich Eisen slows it down. We had to mathematically compute the Rate of Retardation Flux using these factors, and it can actually get quite complicated.”

When one reporter asked about sports in general being a factor, the scientist was quick to respond: “actual sports do little to affect the clock, as competition and sport is wired into the human DNA. But every person in the world who watches soccer is speeding up the Jackass Clock considerably.”

It was also noted that the mere mention of the word “Kardashian” caused the Jackass Clock to run approximately 32 times faster than normal jackassery. Along with the Kardashians, any mention of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry or American Idol speeds up the clock, as well. Farmville, Twitter and MSNBC all had intermediate rates of higher speed, while King of the Hill episodes, fishing, and cabinet-making contributed to the slowing down of the clock. The 1969 Dodge Charger slowed down the Jackass Clock; the 2011 Dodge Charger sped it up (particularly when coupled with $400 rims). Anything related to Bill Maher sped up the clock; anything related to John Wayne slowed it down. One of the scientists explained that paying any attention at all to the Sierra Club-loving, PETA-supporting, Indigo Girls-listening to Doomsday Clock morons would most assuredly speed up the clock.

The scientists explained that as we approach Total Cultural Retardation, we will lose all taste in art, all ability to think critically, and all interest in current events entirely. The landscape is expected to look similar to the future one depicted in the forgotten film Idiocracy. College classes will consist of “Multiculturalism” and “Postcolonial American Arrogance In The Third World And The k.d. lang Fans Who Hate It,” but will no longer require Shakespeare, Chaucer or Dickens. Before they left the press conference, the gray-haired scientist warned that it’s not too late to stop the advance of the Jackass Clock: “We haven’t yet descended into pure buffoonery, but if you kids keep wearing this hat, we will get there a lot quicker.” With this, he produced the following hat, to the disapproving hisses of the twenty-something reporters in the room:

“What about the flat-bill?” asked the Newsweek reporter.

“No,” was the scientist’s response, “high levels of douchery lead to definite increases in speed for the Jackass Clock.”

When the press conference was over, the scientists filed out solemnly. Despite the ominous-looking clock in the foyer, most of the reporters adjourned themselves to play Halo for the rest of the afternoon.

Wheels-Off Reverse Bucket List

Anyone can make New Years' Resolutions. Rather than jump on that bandwagon (I'll just keep mine to myself), I did some thinking on things I have NEVER done and WILL NEVER do. I'll call it my Anti-Resolution List. I'm sure you will be duly offended.

1. I’ve never played Halo. Grown men don’t play video games. Sorry, Millennials, but it’s true—and a big reason why no one takes you seriously.
2. I’ve never played fantasy football. I’m enough of a dork in other areas of my life to invest myself in the ultimate symbol of dorkdom itself. Also, I love football too much to bastardize it in that way.
3. I’ve never voted for a Democrat. I haven’t always voted for Republicans, either, but I can guarantee you I have never voted for a Democrat. I’m too much of an American exceptionalist for that.
4. I’ve never been “part of the crowd.” Everyone wants to lay claim to this one, but of course it’s not true in most cases. For me, it was significantly easier than it seems. I had a horrific social existence in high school, so the ability to think for myself and take unpopular, principled stands wasn’t a big stretch for me when I grew up. I was, simply put, used to being rejected by the crowd…so it didn’t bother me to be distinct from them.
5. I’ve never enjoyed pop music. When I was a freshman in high school, Michael Jackson’s Thriller came out. I hardly noticed, because that was also the year that Stevie Ray Vaughan’s Texas Flood also came out. From a young age, I saw the music of the followers as inferior. To me, there is no tangible difference between Michael Jackson, Tiffany, the Spice Girls, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga. It’s all the same schlock, sold to the same people, who will one day be embarrassed to have to admit that they listened to it.
6. I’ve never abandoned the Cowboys. Yeah, they’ve abandoned me, alright, but I’ve stayed true to the Blue. Frustrating, to be sure. Bumping around town in an Aaron Rodgers jersey just because he wins the Super Bowl isn’t my style. A Staubach one, maybe.
7. I’ve never borrowed money against the equity in my home. I’m still mildly shocked that I even have equity. I can’t imagine jeopardizing it for a jet ski.
8. I have never purchased special rims for any of my cars. When I spend money on one of my vehicles, it’s to maintain it properly or to make it run faster, better, or meaner. I could care less about owning $400 blades.
9. I have never played golf. I know it’s a requirement for business people, men in ministry, and professionals of all kinds. I fit into all three categories, and have never played a hole in my life. I already have an expensive hobby—hunting—and I’m barely any good at that.
10. I’ve never NOT received a traffic ticket. In fact, I’ve never even made it through a single two-year period without getting one or twelve.  I’ve been driving since around 1987. It’s doubtful that one should be proud of this one, but since there doesn’t seem to be much hope of my ever breaking this dubious streak, I might as well wear it like a uniform. The Ticket Kid salutes all you “good drivers.” Now please get out of the left lane and do your ten-and-two routine in the far right one, thanks.