Top 10 Ways Civilization Would Have Been Different If My Wife Hadn't Bought 1,235 Curtain Rods And Blinds To Install

1. I would have finished reading After Death, by Dr. Herbert Luckock, and then formulated a response thesis regarding a conscious existence in the afterlife that would bring hope to millions.
2. I would have read a few more chapters in The History of Christianity by Justo Gonzalez, causing me to place the book back onto its place on the shelf. Once there, it would have taken up just enough space to warrant my building another 8’ tall bookcase, thereby having to purchase two full sheets of $45 birch wood, and helping the economy accordingly.
3. I would have finished my re-reading of Heller’s Catch-22, causing me to be in a satirically humorous mood for the remainder of the week. This, in turn, would have given me just enough goodwill to not direct violent thoughts toward Red Oak drivers who are incapable of driving faster than 18 mph. Bloodshed would have been averted.
4. I would have taken my dog, General Sam Houston, for a long walk through the neighborhood. This would have helped stabilize my blood pressure, and would have staved off the inevitable stroke or heart attack that will eventually fell me, thereby cutting short my corpus of work (mostly snarky posts) designed to edify all of Mankind and glorify God.
5. I would have been unable to put off any further the task of changing the oil in our cars. This, in turn, would have caused me to tell my son to change the oil in our cars. Doing so would have taught him responsibility and pride in his work, and he would have grown up and been a conservative. Instead, his sense of entitlement that oil changing is beneath him will inevitably cause him to grow up and march loudly on a state capitol somewhere, waving placards and demanding other people’s property.
6. I would have taken a nap. This would have caused me to put off writing my exegetical paper for Dr. Fantin, which would have caused him to thunderously condemn my sloth, which in turn would have resulted in my still having to write the same paper, but in a much more hurried fashion. Now I’m accidentally going to write it well. Hopefully.
7. I would have brushed up on my Russian, inspiring me to join the State Department and forge healthier relations with our Russian brothers and sisters. This, ultimately, would have led to a final and lasting trade solution that would have enriched the United States beyond measure.
8. I would have finished writing my book, “Why Marx Is Still Wrong.” I would have then mailed it to President Obama, who would have read it, changed his mind about his worldview, and changed parties.
9. I would have hammered out a peace deal between the “Palestinian people” and Israel. Everyone would agree to get along, or else “I’m going to have to come over there.” The Nobel Peace Prize Committee would have called my house a few days later to congratulate me.
10. I would not have had the inclination to write this missive, which in turn has kept me from hanging blinds and curtains.