Football Predictions from the Wheels-Off Theologian

Everyone else is making NFL predictions. In keeping with the traditional bandwagon approach of our culture, it’s time for me to follow suit.

I predict that, at some point during this season, Jerry Jones will utter something incomprehensibly stupid that will reveal his profound ignorance of the game of football.

I predict that “casual fans” of football will continue to derive their passionately held opinions from sports media types who talk or write about all “sports” but are not particularly devoted to football. This will comprise the “conventional wisdom” that will immediately be discarded by actual football fans. Some examples of this drivel may include, but not be limited to: 

1. “The game has changed.” 
2.  “The game has passed [insert name of coach over the age of 40 here] by.”
3.   “The problem is that [insert name of Star Player here] is just not a winner. He’s never won The Big One.” 
4.   “It’s all about the offense nowadays.” 
5.   “People should just ignore the character issues of [insert name of Talented-But-Troubled Athlete here] because that stuff doesn’t really translate to the field.”

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I predict that this season, the professional defensive coordinators of the NFL will have figured out a way to make RGIII look human again—just as they did with Cam Newton, Vince Young, Matt Leinart, Mark Sanchez, Michael Vick, and every other quarterback the sports media types anointed as Immortal.

I predict that the sports media types will still tongue-kiss RGIII in their broadcasts and columns anyhow.

 I predict that, as it has since 1924, Offense will sell tickets but Defense will win the championship.

I predict that intelligence and character will still mark football as unique from other sports, but will still be roundly ignored by sports media types (and Jerry Jones).

I predict that the Cowboys’ offensive line will once again prove to be the laughingstock of all of football.

I predict that the casual fan who listens to sports media types will still blame Tony Romo for problems that are obviously related to the offensive line.

I predict that injuries will once again cripple the Cowboys’ defense, highlighting the need to draft well for depth (as opposed to the Jerry Jones Draft Philosophy—“Chase The Shiny New Thing”).

I predict that Cowboys’ fans will be reminded of the importance of special teams this season—and not in a positive, happy sort of way—but in a miserable, setting-oneself-on-fire kind of way.

I predict that DeMarco Murray will miss part of the season with injury.

I predict that the Cowboys’ red-zone offense will sputter, yielding many field goals.

I predict that, during the course of the season, the Cowboys will play teams close enough to give fans hope—but then, when it counts, will rip our hearts out as brutally as they do every year.

I predict that the Cowboys’ coaching staff will find a way to make Barry Switzer start to look reasonably intelligent.

I predict that Jason Garrett will favor 85% pass plays and 15% run plays, and will offer no compelling reason why he feels that way.

I predict that casual fans will call for the benching of Tony Romo, the firing of Jason Garrett, and the drafting of whatever Shiny New Thing in college is currently being touted by the sports media types. Because that approach has worked out so well for the Jets.

I predict that the Cowboys’ experiment with having about 7 tight ends on the field and no fullbacks will ultimately end up being filed in the same cabinet as the Wildcat offense and the use of Stickum in the 80’s.

I predict that Cowboys’ fans will experience the familiar inner conflict of being grateful that it’s football season and being depressed that the games actually have to be played.

I predict that my idea of filing a class-action lawsuit against Jerry Jones on behalf of all Cowboys’ fans for long-term pain and suffering will gain steam, although no actual lawyers will sign on for it.

I predict that, at the end of the season, Cowboys’ fans will be disappointed as usual. But having lived through such a beating of a season will still be better than watching soccer. Because hating soccer is as American as apple pie.