The Puppy Is Named

9:30 AM: Call to order; The Chair begins by listing the 15 monikers to be considered in the puppy-naming process.

9:32 AM: Zechariah announces that he was ready to go outside and play already. The Chair issues a stern denouncement of said infraction of parliamentary procedure.

9:35 AM: The Family begins by voting on the 5 most hated names on the list, and 5 are then eliminated.

9:36 AM: a period of bickering ensues on the floor, as various members allege prejudicial treatment of their nominations. The Chair calls The Family back to order. Elijah flicks Zechariah on the ear and blames it on Isaiah. The Chair’s wife issues a withering glare that halts all tomfoolery. 

9:40 AM: The Family repeats the process, eliminating 5 more names. This time, Isaiah and Elijah attempt to form a coalition with the ultimate purposes of advancing their favorite “fake” name of “Biscuit” to the finals. The Chair assures the boys that great and spectacular physical harm is looming ominously on the horizon. The scheme is dropped. 

9:45 AM: One final name is eliminated, leaving the four finalists: Dakota (a Lakota Indian term for “friend”), Shiloh (Hebrew for “the one to Whom it belongs,” and a reference to the Messiah, as well as the name of a battle in the Late War Between The States), Ella (after Ella Fitzgerald, a nod to the puppy’s considerable lung capacity), and Luna (the one classical nomination, from Isaiah). 

9:55 AM: a break is announced; the final vote will be held at 10:55 

10:00 AM: The Chair attempts to engage the child voters in Socratic argument, explaining the significance of selecting a name with depth. He articulates his case, listens to rebuttal, and demonstrates respect for the voters. 

10:01 AM: The Chair’s wife reminds each of the boy voters, in secretive individual conversations, that SHE ALONE is the Maker of Cakes and Pies, and The Chair can only offer Whataburger. The first PAC is thus formed. 

10:37 AM: The Chair’s wife issues a proclamation that there will be chocolate cake made in the evening. The Chair calls her “full-on corrupt” and “Clintonian.” 

10:40 AM: The puppy pees in the floor. 

10:45 AM: The vote is taken on the floor. This time, the two favorites are selected: Shiloh and Luna. 

10:47 AM: The puppy is named by a vote of 4-2 (The Chair’s wife received two votes, as a consequence of “being stuck with this dog long after you guys lose interest”) in favor of Shiloh. 

10:59 AM: Zechariah announces that he likes the name Biscuit. The process is re-explained to him, to his ultimate chagrin. 

11:00 AM: The Chair’s wife crushes all opposition, and peace is restored. The Chair looks for a John Wayne film to watch while sitting motionless in recliner.