I'm About To Post My Political Opinion On Social Media (Again)

I’m about to post my political opinion on social media. Again. I realize that there have only been a few sunsets since I did this last—the news cycle just keeps churning up the rage within me, and I HAVE TO RESPOND. But I know you’ll indulge me because Woke People post stuff on Social media.

Yeah, I’m about to post a political opinion that is valid because…well…it’s MY opinion. It doesn’t need to have any basis in fact, or history, or constitutionalism, or shared definitions of terms. Because my opinion came from the Rage Churner within me, it’s valid because I’m valid. And no…I don’t need to hear any “pushback” from anyone about how there are other ways of viewing this same issue. If you disagree with what I’m about to post on social media, you are a racist, misogynistic bigot who should be made to bake cakes for transgendered, kneeling football players who are married to NBA stars. And you will sit there and read my post because FREEDOM OF SPEECH, you cis-hetero patriarchy monkey!

I’m not really interested in your concept of “real discourse.” That would require me physically sitting in a room with you, having to listen to you, then carefully responding to what you said (instead of what I imagine you are saying). It would involve all the enfleshed aspects of human communication, including body language, vocal inflection, hand gestures, and actual words—all while breaking bread together in some physical setting. Who has time for that? Besides, I’m not sure I could maintain any self-control if I had to sit physically in a room with you and listen to the hate you spew anyhow. “Real discourse” is for oldsters like Gen-Xers. We can say all what we have to say from behind a phone screen. The Gnostics were onto something about the over-rated-ness of an enfleshed existence.

I think I should also point out, before I post my political opinion on social media, that I am also not interested in anyone’s antiquated notions of “knowledge,” especially “authoritative knowledge.” The internet gives me all the knowledge I need, and all the people who are right agree with me anyhow. Every political issue that arises is a new adventure for me, since I am not bogged down in anything so 20^th-century as a consistent political worldview. I will remark on each new adventure through the lens of my own definition of “fairness,” and you will either agree with me or I’ll yell louder on social media. These issues don’t have anything to do with the Constitution (unless I feel like my own rights under the Constitution are being violated). In fact, “rights” are just “stuff I think people should have,” and therefore the Constitution is no longer necessary. GIVE PEOPLE STUFF, YOU BIGOT—DON’T @ ME! I will rage against stuff that is “systemic” and “institutional” without understanding what those words actually mean…and if you disagree with me, you are most definitely One Of Those People.

It is irrelevant whether or not my opinion may be proven to be consistent with a universally accepted body of knowledge arrived at by consensus. I already told you—I am valid, and therefore my opinion is valid. Deal with it, you Windows-using, Non-Placard-Waving Rejecter of Toms Shoes! Moreover, I’d like you to know, prior to my posting my political opinion on social media, that I hate religion in all its forms. That’s why I think YOU should believe in stuff I believe in, under penalty of seeing me wave a placard angrily in a march somewhere. So, just to recap: make sure you believe in my definition of fairness, my theory about the end of the world, my narrowly construed theory of the definition of “justice,” and my theory about who the real villains are in our culture. If you don’t, you can be certain that there’ll be a Supreme Court case soon that deals with you! The mob and I will change the meaning of words—and then we’ll repeat them over and over again until the words have lost meaning, even for you….you SUV-driving, racist homophobe who doesn’t even wear ironic t-shirts or sit earnestly in coffee shops listening to whiny white kids sing earnestly about the horrors of life!

When I do finally get around to posting my political opinion on social media, you may be certain that it will change the world. All the right people will “like” it, and most of them will re-post it on some social media platform. It will go viral, there will be marches and protests, and then the Supreme Court will Do Its Thing. I don’t have time to do that stuff that some of you hetero-normative non-hashtaggers think is important—I’m not going to go to a city council meeting, or a school board meeting, or vote in the local mayoral election, or attend a local precinct meeting. That stuff is dumb. The only politics that matters is on the national level, and I am the Defarge-ian voice of the angry mob! You will listen and heed, You Foul Protector of the Status Quo. When I think about your failure to agree with me and join in my Manichean posting on social media, I am stunned by your lack of wokeness…and I.CAN’T.EVEN.

Yes, I’m about to post my political opinion on social media again. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll “like” it. If you don’t….well, who’s really left in my Friends List who would dare disagree? All reasonable people see this stuff the way that I do, and the rest are just knuckledraggers who can’t even get a real smartphone.

Peace and love, everyone!