Top Five Personalities You'll Meet On Facebook During A Pandemic

Everyone throughout history has always known that when you’re in the middle of a plague, the thing to do is to go straight to Facebook and post your thoughts about it. This pandemic timed itself for Lent, during which season I abandoned Twitter, but I have kept up with the Facebook crowd and it is now possible to organize almost everyone into one of five categories. Now this doesn’t mean there isn’t some overlap, mind you: just that, in general, these are the five personalities you are most likely to meet during Pandemic Posting Days. Which one are you? Which are your friends? Whatever dopey Facebook game you’re playing right now isn’t any less entertaining than this, so read it (from at least 6 feet away).

5.            The Newspaper Reporter

               This one hasn’t had a lick of journalism training. She likely doesn’t know the difference between a “primary” and “secondary” source. In fact, her entire definition of “research” is “stuff I read on the internet.” When Governor Abbott issued his executive order yesterday, she didn’t bother downloading it directly and reading it; she simply forwarded the CNN.com article about it. She wants you to know that she’s “up” on the news. She has it down. She may not know the difference between “news” and “nonsense,” but she gets a strong feeling of self-importance by letting everyone in FB-land know what’s going on. She knows that you lowly FB readers don’t understand the news like she does, so she’s doing her part to “break” it to you. The only news she consumes is free, so the worth of her news is evident to everyone except her. But that’s not stopping her from edging your fear a little closer to the top of your throat with her latest “breaking news.” Woodworth and Bernstein she’s not, but those people were, like, old anyhow. Their Old People definition of news consisted of multiple editors, fact-checking staff members, and deliberate timing of carefully written stories. The Newspaper Reporter doesn’t have time for all that—she wants to inform you right now of whatever she just came across, whether or not it’s helpful.

4.            The Conspiracy Theorist

               The Conspiracy Theorist blossoms best in cultural situations that are typically disconnected from “the news,” in any traditional sense. This guy can be a Republican or Democrat, but most of the time he’s not even sure what those titles mean. If you were to present Conspiracy Theorist with two possible stories and ask that he choose the one most plausible, he would select the most outlandish and ridiculous one. He posts stuff from BuzzFeed a lot, with titles like “Trump Created Coronavirus In Secret Lab With Nixon In 1975,” or “Why The Coronavirus Is The Last Sign of the Apocalypse.” He ardently believes that it’s statistically likely that he’ll catch the ‘rona, despite the existence of actual statistics that conclusively demonstrate otherwise. He might think the government is using the ‘rona to kill religion, but he might also think that the government is the only hope that humanity has to defeat the ‘rona. No amount of reasoned discourse will suffice to persuade Conspiracy Theorist; but since we’re talking about Facebook, there isn’t much of that around any more anyhow.

3.            The Paint Respirator Guy

               You’ve just read the latest stats on the “curve.” You’ve followed the daily White House briefings (either approvingly or in white-knuckled fashion). You’re up-to-date on the virus and the measures that we’ve all decided to take to minimize the spread. You know that wearing a mask doesn’t really protect you from the virus (although it could keep you from giving it to someone else). You know that walking around with the same gloves all day and touching multiple stuff with it is dumber than a dead dog. You feel good about your trip to the HEB to get some essentials—which is why it’s jarring to round the corner of an aisle and see an otherwise-normal human being walking around wearing a paint respirator. You try not to laugh out loud as the absurdity that has become the face of human panic. You smile to yourself, knowing that Paint Respirator Guy not only doesn’t understand how paint respirators work—he may as well be wearing a sign around his neck that says “I Am Wetting My Britches With Fear Over Stuff I Know Very Little About.” The placebo effect of walking around with a paint respirator has clearly given this guy some confidence. He walks with a swagger that announces that he has no clue has ridiculous he looks, and he’s proud of it. His Facebook profile picture is probably one of him in a paint respirator, not painting.

2.            The Virtue Signaler 

There has never been a shortage of these folks on Facebook. In fact, Facebook seems tailor-made for earnest, Lisa Simpson-types to let one another know that they are The Good Kind Of Human. From the lectures on social distancing to the trendy hashtags that lets others know that they are in the Right Tribe, the Virtue Signaler doesn’t want to pass up the opportunity to show off his essential goodness. He is good and decent, and you are all diseased parasites. You should be more like him. Look at how he has The Approved Opinion about Dr. Fauci or Governor Abbott or President Trump or the people he just saw not practicing social distancing. The Virtue Signaler is especially popular among a certain sub-tribe of evangelical Christians, who are in a very big hurry to let the rest of the world know that they are Not Like That Terrible Pastor In Florida or Those Hillbillies In The Country Not Wearing Masks While They Hunt Varmints and Sich. The Virtue Signaler is more righteous than you, and you should get on board whatever bandwagon he’s posting about—or you could run into his twin sister, The Scold.

1.                The Scold

The Scold has your number, buddy. She knows what’s right, and she knows you ain’t doing it. Her number one job on Facebook is to peruse the digital universe, looking for transgressors of The Collective Hive Mind to scold publicly. The Scold would have been quite happy in 1691 Salem, when such sinners could be publicly whipped. She is not new to Facebook, and is really quite active on Twitter. Last year, while a braying, facile mob whipped up demonstrably false charges against a Supreme Court candidate, The Scold had a field day sharing her disapproval of anyone who dared to type the words “due process.” Because she doesn’t approve of your politics, if you have a different take on how society should respond to the virus she will castigate you publicly for “politicizing” the issue. The Scold was once a hall monitor in high school; she rarely served detention for anything, and she is still quite happy to let you know that You Will Be Made To Comply. In fact, The Scold was one of the first people on Facebook to agitate for calling out the US military against anyone who didn’t react in panic the way that she did. The more onerous and draconian the suppression of civil rights, the happier she is in this Two Minutes’ Hate that we call a pandemic. In fact, The Scold is tracking down the IP address for this blog right now in order to narc us all out to The Authorities.