It's Hard Out Here For An Amateur Theologian

Dear Taxpayers:

I am writing in hopes of gaining your support on an important issue that is close to my heart. I am a poor seminary student, and as such am attending a private theological graduate school. One of the rules that they have at my school is that while I am there, I must agree to not drink alcohol. I think this is really unfair, inasmuch as I’d like to have a Scotch every day after class. Because it costs so much money to go to private theological seminary, I don’t earn enough to be able to buy my own Scotch. And so I would like to ask you, the American taxpayer, if you could find it in your collective heart to pay for some of that cost, AND to force my private theological seminary to also pay for it.

I am a really bright student, so I did the math on this Scotch business. If I purchased one bottle of Scotch each week, that would amount to almost $400 a month in alcohol expenditures. That’s $4800 a year—almost a whole summer salary for a poverty-stricken theologian-in training like me. Add to that the statistical probability that I might still not be quite worth $4800 a year once I graduate, and you can readily see the problem.

According to the statistics I am using, over 40% of seminary students are finding it problematic to pay for their own alcohol. Even though we signed an agreement voluntarily adhering to this policy, of course we feel that our lack of integrity should still be subsidized by the American taxpayer—and, most importantly, the seminary itself. Thanks to HHS Secretary Kathleen Sabellius—who coincidentally shares the same name as a 4^th century heretic—we now should be able to look forward to our federal government mandating that our seminary fund this alcohol provision as a means of upholding “men’s health.” Since having to pay for my own Scotch would have a deleterious impact on my health, you can see why this issue is so important to me.

I knew of one seminary student who wanted to violate his agreement and purchase some alcohol, but learned at the liquor store desk that the seminary insurance plan didn’t cover alcohol. He had to turn away from Habib, the manager, and slink away in shame. This shouldn’t happen in the 21^st century. This war on men’s health by our private theological seminary is shameful and should be changed by the force of law.

I hope that I am hailed as a civil rights hero by our Glorious Leader, President Barack Obama. Maybe he’ll call me to make sure I’m alright and my feelings aren’t too hurt by all the negative press I’ve been getting about my unique health needs. After all, it was really hurtful for that radio talk host to make fun of me and call me a drunk. This is about rights. Not the rights of my seminary, mind you (they’re Christian, so they don’t really have rights)—but the rights of me. Also myself and I.

I have the right to drink large quantities of Scotch after class. I have the right to have you pay for it. I have the right for the government to make the seminary pay for it. Ya’ll help a brother out here.