President Obama, flush with encouragement from the Salon.com editorial board, ordered Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to formally apologize to England for the American Revolution in 1776.
“It is time we as a nation move past our petty nativism and finally apologize once and for all to the innocent British redcoats, particularly King George III,” he explained. “The notion of American exceptionalism is profoundly offensive to the rest of the world, and I want to sincerely apologize for it.”
No response was forthcoming from Britain, other than the sound of confused stammering from the House of Commons. The President hopes to stage a ceremonial burning of the Declaration of Independence on the Mall in Washington, D.C., as a token of goodwill to our neighbor across the pond. It is believed that it would also make a nice gesture to Islamofascists who like burning things.
“I can’t apologize enough for the accidental burning of the you-know-what a few weeks ago,” whispered the President in a hushed, reverent tone. “It’s difficult to imagine that that happened. I completely understand your response of 6 dead Americans; it makes perfect sense to me. And I’m also sorry that I let 42 consecutive minutes pass without an apology about my first seven apologies.” Bowing repeatedly, the President backed away from the podium and retreated back into the West Wing, where it is reported that he is working on an apology for the invention of plastic, as well.
It is not immediately known what effect the apology will have on frosty American-English relations. The British are angry that American feminists with severe haircuts and sensible shoes issued such an organized backlash against a British-based airlines that dared to hire attractive women to work as stewardesses. The Americans are angry at the British for honestly believing that the Beatles should be mentioned in the same breath with Jimi Hendrix. President Obama famously sent back a bust of Winston Churchill that had resided in the White House for a long period of time, ostensibly because Churchill is the one who said, “anyone under the age of 30 who’s not a liberal has no heart; and anyone over the age of 30 who’s not a conservative has no brain.” It is well-known that President Obama is over 30.
The descendants of some American patriots are outraged over the apology, but the President has instructed his Attorney General Eric “I Haven’t Been Convicted Of A Felony Yet” Holder to file a suit against them ordering them to stop using the word “patriot.” “That’s a hurtful word, and only serves to exacerbate the tensions in the world today. We are all citizens of the world,” the President’s teleprompter read. The Department of Education is working diligently to expunge any record of American victory at Yorktown or anyplace else. “We’re sorry for having those in our books in the first place,” the President said with lowered head.
No apology was issued to the 43 million babies murdered since 1973, the families of U.S. soldiers murdered by Afghan militants, or the families of 9/11 victims. But sources close to the President report that he is also working on an apology to the microbes found in the polar ice caps of Mars, since an American probe is known to have crash-landed there.
This article is very hurtful to Obama supporters everywhere, and we respectfully call on you to apologize, and also to donate 3 million dollars to the Democratic Party in small random amounts in multiple locations across the US. Love, Hillary
ReplyDeleteHa! If you were really Hillary, you wouldn't want me to support Obama, that Pretender who usurped your (allegedly) rightful coronation. Now go back to being carefully hidden away from public view by the Obama Administration.
ReplyDelete