Beard Buffoonery

Recently I’ve noticed a lot more beards on people. I don’t remember a memo going out that everyone under a certain age has to grow a beard, but it appears that such a memo did, indeed, go out. The breakdown of the family in America has been well-documented in other corners, so there is no need to relitigate that here. Notwithstanding, one of the unfortunate effects of the lack of strong paternal influence in our culture is the proportionate increase in beard-related douchery that has inflicted our young. And so, as was the case with my catalogue of stupid hats (see “Jackwagon Headgear” elsewhere on here) and the perpetual effeminacy of today’s young man, I felt it was time to help the youngsters out by weighing in on beard styles that should be avoided at all costs. These should be avoided for one simple reason: they make you look objectively stupid. It honestly doesn’t matter how many of you are attempting it, or which famous face led the way. It’s dumb, and you need to stop it now. For your own good, and for the good of civilization, which needs you to eventually procreate.

• The Chin Curtain. 

This isn’t going to work, guys. I know you saw someone try it a few years ago, and then a lot more people tried it. But sheer numbers don’t make this idiotic thing any less ridiculous. If you can’t grow a mustache to go with the beard, then don’t grow the beard. If you CAN grow the mustache to go with the beard, and shave it off deliberately, you need to either get back behind ye olde plow and refuse thy vaccinations, or check downstairs to make sure you have all your equipment. Only women should spend that much time in front of a mirror being that fastidious. 

• The Thin Line Of Jackassery

Really? You spent two weeks growing out your facial hair, only to shave all of it except a tiny little line a quarter-inch wide? All you’ve succeeded in accomplishing here is making actual bearded people face-palm and weep for the future of mankind. Invest in the two seconds it will take to cut that weird crap off your grille, then grow it back right. Either that or leave beards to people who grow them, and flower-gardening to people who cultivate them.

• The Lucifer

This one is related to #2, because of the amount of time it takes to stand in front of a mirror in your camisole and carefully trim and cultivate it so that you have just the right amount of retardation to reflect. The tiny little Chester-the-Molester mustache doesn’t look any less disturbing when coupled with your update of the goatee. (Note: I know you 24-year-olds who’ve been studying your beard memes for the last 6 months are yelling at your Macs right now, “That’s not a goatee—it’s a Van Dyke!” The fact that you are in possession of this information is its own punishment. Was there no Lord Of The Rings Discussion Forum you could be arguing in?)

•   The Face-Rope

Clearly, you are a figure-skating fan masquerading as a beard-wearer. Let me help you out: you look like a 1976 Impala with part of the grill missing. Enough of this nonsense. If ¾ of your beard is missing, shave. You don’t have a beard; you have a mental problem and, once again, too much time in front of the mirror.

• The Trailer Park

Nope. Not even close, man. You shouldn’t have even tried to grow facial hair in the first place. If your beard looks like you just hit puberty 8 months ago and are keeping your fingers crossed that you can grow a beard on faith alone (sola fidelis), then get rid of it and try again in 10 years. This just looks nasty. If you are sporting one of these, people aren’t looking at you and saying, “Now THAT’S a classy beard.” They’re wondering if you have flamingos, citronella candles and Keystone Light cans in your front yard.

•   The Mutton Chop

Here is an exception to the rule. This can be a valid beard, provided two conditions are met. You may wear The Mutton Chop if you are this guy: 

Or this guy: 

If you are not Ambrose Burnside or Duane Allman, this is strictly forbidden. You look vaguely reptilian. 

It turns out that a chin IS important, and you shouldn’t have minimized yours. Get rid of this monstrosity.

•        The Gamer Goat

Shave this off immediately and donate it to Locks For Losers. Then, when you’re done, take your X-Box out to the trash can and toss it, and stay out of internet gaming forums. At that point, you’ll be ready to step out of your mom’s basement and into the sun. It’ll be weirdly uncomfortable at first—like when the Elfin Goblins rained acid saliva on the peaceful servants of Zorg in that graphic novel you got at ComicCon—but it’ll actually be good for you, and could lead to conversation with an actual female (not the virtual one you have saved as an icon on your Macbook Pro).

•     The Sorta-Beard

Why don’t you just go the whole route and get breast implants already? Nothing says “I’m a douche” as quickly as the permanent “shadow” that takes more effort to maintain than your soft, supple skin.

•       The Unabomber

An exception can be made on this beard, but only if you are living off the land in a rural environment and are not trying to impress the barista at Starbucks with those asinine chrome bolt-earrings of yours. If you have to use half a bottle of conditioner just to fake an unkempt look, you are the official poster child of what’s wrong with your generation. The only real problem with this beard is motive: again, if you are over 35, living far away from civilization and not giving two hoots about Johnny Depp’s next movie, then this is allowed. If you’re trying to look like someone else, then get a razor.

•    Mustaches

I shouldn’t need much explanation for why this is bad: 

Or this: 

But I’m starting to see more and more of this: 

For crying out loud, people……unless you’re in a Village People cover band, either shave that Ned Flanders-looking thing off or grow a beard to go with it. Mustaches literally went out with the 8-track. I don’t care if you ARE a fireman. One exception to this rule: 

•    The Hopeful Hair

When I was about 16, I was so proud of the four facial hairs that I had. I would watch them each day, hoping that they had sprouted into something resembling a beard over the preceding night. I remember feeling particularly proud one day, and tried showing them off to my grandfather, an actual Man. He took one look at my face and said, “Why don’t you put some milk on that, and the cat will lick it right off?” Of course, the only real reason for a Man to have had cats is for target practice. But you get the idea. Stop this foolishness now, before you end up singing showtunes.

•   An actual beard.

If you can’t go full-on Jesus, then go home.

Note that Chuck’s beard is full—covering all of the area that a beard is historically supposed to cover. There is a connecting mustache, and the beard itself is not so out-of-control as to suggest homelessness. This particular beard, moreover, has the added bonus of being able to kick you in the face (all by itself) if you don’t like it.  

Growing a beard isn’t rocket science. Don’t try to make it that. Here’s the Wheels-Off Rule of Thumb: if you have to stand at the mirror for longer than 20 seconds, you should just go ahead and curl up on the couch with a nice Merlot and an episode of Ellen.

This list isn’t intended to be exhaustive, either. I’m sure, soon enough, many of you Millennials will have invented some more idiotic-looking ways to wear facial hair. I’ll try to help you out as often as possible. In the meantime, remember to eat more meat, watch more football (actual, not “fantasy”), and leave the toilet seat up now and again just to keep everybody on their toes. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going outside to cut down a tree with my face.