Hats.
You’ve probably noticed, if you have a keen eye for this sort of thing, that everybody is wearing a hat now. Not just any hats…there is a proliferation of oddities that pass for hats. The omnipresence of Jackwagon Headgear gives cause to catalogue this list of cultural inanities for the uncool among us. I shall attempt the first such study, but I am certain that this list is neither exhaustive nor even much more than a surface-scratching endeavor. I am always, however, happy to add to it in the likely event that more new examples of Jackwagon Headgear come into my line of sight.
1. The Fake Gangsta
The Fake Gangsta. This lid is popular with certain of the young set, especially those most likely to have emo music on their iPods. Designed to give them an air of pseudo-ethnic hipness, when worn with clothes from the Gap it completes an ensemble of jackassery that is the mating call of the suburban fake misfit. Although it appears, at first glance, to have been modeled on the famous hat of the imminently reasonable Tom Landry (*moment of silent meditation*), one can easily note the distinctions: the turned-up brim, the appearance on a Wal Mart shelf, etc. This hat is especially hysterical when ordered in conjunction with a tuxedo for the senior prom. The resulting pictures are usually taken in gauzy, out-of-focus poses with Old English Gothic scriptwriting scrawled across the bottom.
2. The Che
The Che. This hat is particularly popular on college campuses, and other places where hip young folks gather who aren’t afraid to experiment with a little wealth redistribution. The veterans among us might well note the similarity between this hat and the military-issue BDU hat in cut and style. The Che has the advantage of NOT looking like a regular ball cap, which would be very testosterone-driven. Nor does it have the familiar camouflage print of the BDU, which would be too right-wing. The most stylish of these hats will typically have the Apple logo on the front, but just having The Che on one’s head automatically qualifies one for a community latte and a couple of free downloads. It sets you apart as a true iconoclast, making your statement of originality for the rest of the campus to see.
3. The Martina.
The Martina. First popularized in the 1970’s by several uni-browed, very masculine athletes including Martina Navratilova, this hat stayed underground for over two and half decades. Only female golfers and softball players donned The Martina for years, and the appearance of this controversial lid on the head of a man would typically have meant a severe beating (unless that man is Rachel Maddow). But the post-Political Correctness movement has yielded several Male figures of questionable orientation, and the hat has made a comeback among this crowd. Occasionally, a male wearer of this hat will attempt to defend himself by pointing out that O.U. Coach Bob Stoops wears this style. This, of course, does not help his case.
4. The Douchenstein.
The Douchenstein. This is the hat du jour of the urbane hipster. It made its original debut in conjunction with a strictly organized outfit that included pants that sag off the buttocks (revealing terrible taste in boxer shorts), heavy gold chains, and untied basketball shoes. The wearer would typically be seen flashing fake gang signs and walking as if he had a permanent case of diaper rash. However, in recent years, as suburban white kids strive to develop “street cred” with fellow suburban white kids who have no “street cred”, this hat has begun to show up on the whitest of heads. Even those who are not carrying Glocks, but want you to think so, are wearing this hat. The strangest trend among this crowd is the genuine surprise at being lumped in with real-life douche bags after spending hundreds of dollars to look like them. It is as though the rest of society was expected to suddenly decide that this hat DIDN’T look objectively retarded, just because 2.4 million white kids started wearing it. The Douchenstein isn’t going away any time soon, either. Baseball teams are ordering them for their players—clearly a sign of the Idiocracy that must necessarily precede the Apocalypse.
5. Ye Old Chap.
Ye Old Chap. This appears to be an honest effort to bring something back from the dead that once was alive—not unlike the early 1990’s trend of Baby Boomers wearing fedoras in order to look like their fathers. One has a smidgeon of pity for people who have a genuine sense of nostalgia. But pity is not enough to bring this monstrosity back from the ash heap of history. Whenever one sees pictures of late-19th-century mobster children, they are always wearing this hat. We also know that there was a great deal of violence among these children—most likely stemming from the wearing of this hat. English bicycle riders are seen in early 20th-century pictures wearing Ye Old Chap, and it is worth noting that these pansies ultimately had to have the good old U.S.A. bail them out of two world wars—two world wars that most likely began because of this hat. If Freddie Mercury himself had modeled this lid for Out! Magazine, it wouldn’t have added to the overall gayness of it. It is certain that the old chap wearing Ye Old Chap is probably wearing some leather chaps.
6. The Pork Pie.
The Pork Pie. No other hat says, “I have never had an original thought of my own” more efficiently than this one. If you have what you consider a rich combination of Dave Matthews, They Might Be Giants, Tripping Daisy, Phish, and several local bands’ tunes on your iPod, then this may be the hat for you. Don’t expect, however, to leave that Austin Vegan Co-op and travel north to Dallas, where men live, if you are wearing that hat. You are not Tony Soprano, regardless of what you think. You look more like Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill.
7.
The Reasonable Ball Cap. In contrast to the Douchenstein, this is what a ball cap should look like. Note that the bill has an appropriate amount of curve to it, denoting the lack of douchery that has long marked this perennial favorite of reasonable men everywhere. When, in the course of time and wear, the bill appears to start flattening out, the wearer of this cap has only to roll the corners of the bill together to recreate the Cooter Curl (named for the Dukes of Hazzard character who wore this style) that is required on standard headgear.
There will, no doubt, be many more examples of Jackwagon Headgear to come. Feel free to take a snapshot of any of them you might run across in your journeys, and send them to me. I’d love to add to the list.
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