Openly Christian Mayor Subpoenas Wiccan Ritual Lists

(AP—Gluten Free, California)

The election of an openly Christian mayor in Gluten Free, California, has created quite a firestorm in this small town. This sleepy hamlet of anti-GMO activists and Prius drivers boasts the nation’s highest per-capita concentration of locally-owned, free-range beef fed with rainbows and love—but now is the epicenter of a social media maelstrom that has put Gluten Free on the map once and for all.

In a move that has caused ripples throughout the population of surface-scratching opinion-holders, the city council of Gluten Free has officially subpoenaed the ritual lists, coven rosters, and internal communications among members of the local Wiccan groups. While some are calling the move a blatant disregard for the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, others are defending the government demand by pointing the fingers of blame squarely back at the Wiccans.

“This entire subpoena business is just a reaction to their petition drive,” explained Ron Blawspowski, a city council member and openly practicing Christian. The petition drive to which he referred was an attempt on the part of the city’s Wiccans to protest the newest municipal ordinance UVA 514 (Utopian Vision Attempt 514). UVA 514 was passed by a narrow margin earlier in the spring, and has been commonly called the “anti-discrimination act.” It is a broad-stroked bill that holds up for contempt any local organization that practices discrimination against Christians.

In the months that followed the ordinance, the local Wiccans, who worship nature and are philosophically opposed to the exclusive worship of one un-created Deity, organized a petition drive to have the ordinance either tossed out or amended to be more specific regarding what might constitute “discrimination.” Many of the local coven leaders believed that the ordinance was designed to “out” Wiccan leaders as anti-Christian in the public eye, thereby making them seem intolerant and negatively impacting weekly nature worship.

“We got WAY more than enough signatures on that petition,” explained Donna Sloughingonsimon, local Wiccan priestess. “They should have listened to the voices of the people they serve. Instead, they tossed out the petition on a technicality—all so that they could continue to govern as though they are the “boss” and not the “public servant.”

The city attorney was coy when questioned about the subpoenas. “We don’t really expect to win or anything,” he explained as he relaxed in his office, which was festooned with Christian crosses and other memorabilia. “We just want the citizens of Gluten Free to know how anti-Christian the local Wiccans are….and really, all Wiccans.”

When the subpoenas were handed down, it sent immediate ripples through social media. Many Wiccans, now denied their due process before city council after the petition debacle, took to Facebook to alert the rest of civilization about this heavy-handed attempt at forced political correctness. Some called it an overreach, others a blatant disregard for the First Amendment. The city attorney found this last accusation laughable. “This is freakin’ California. We haven’t bothered with that for decades!”

Not all Wiccans were outraged by the spectre of a government entity demanding to review religious material of any organizations for any purposes whatsoever. Some, who possess infinitely more tolerance and enlightenment than The Average Wiccan, suggested that Wiccans should simply calm down. This was the position of Dave Featherbrain, practicing Wiccan who frequently sides with Christians on just about every single issue: “These coven lists are public anyway….so what’s the big deal? There’s a lot more to this story than just the subpoenas. Calm down, people….this is why people hate Wiccans!”

Still, others—not necessarily Wiccan—were deeply disturbed by the precedent, and even more so by the self-flagellating attempt to blame Wiccans for Christians’ unconstitutional behavior: “Did the Wiccans not have the right to petition city council on their own behalf?” asked Laura Greatneck, a Christian who nonetheless expressed alarm at the city’s legal action. “Exactly how was this their fault? Let me tell you….if the government comes for Wiccans today, and we stand by and allow it….they’ll come for us next. This is very---“

Her sentence was cut off by a uniformed Christian in a squad Prius, who came to a remarkably silent halt and cuffed Greatneck, charging her with a violation of UVA 514. He then drove off in an economically conscious fashion, with a minimal carbon footprint and a rainbow being softly emitted from the exhaust.

Outside City Hall, protesters from both sides of the issue gathered to argue for the cameras.

"We stand for liberty!" shouted Wiccan worshiper Gladys Trunk.

"No one's free to be a bigot!" responded Roger Rickenlooper.

A Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan came and stood next to Christian Roger Rickenlooper and jabbed an accusatory finger at her Wiccan sister: "You're giving the rest of us Wiccans a bad name by not just rolling over and doing what you're told! Your priority should be serving the Goddess, not 'liberty!'"

"Yeah, so shut up and worship Christ!" shouted Rickenlooper. He turned to the Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan and said, "Great to have you on our side!" Then, as an aside to our reporter, he rolled his eyes.

Eventually, Rickenlooper and the Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan strolled off together to enjoy an overpriced latte and listen to whiny folk music. Gladys Trunk was left to trudge off, alone.

The Christian mayor, who claims that he had nothing to do with any of this, expressed the hope that the city of Gluten Free would simply go back to believing whatever the Huffington Post told them to believe in the future, and leave the activism to people with whom he already agreed. “You guys want to be on the right side of history, right?” he winked at members of the media. Several of them winked back.

[UPDATE]: As of this writing, the previously shouted-down Wiccans have begun changing their ritual lists and coven rosters in order to be in compliance with UVA 514. The practice of “good and responsible citizenship” has been dropped from their rituals, and “rote obedience” has replaced it. The next City Council meeting contains an item on the agenda that limits the liberty of Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan to worship as she sees fit. There are reports that she is celebrating.