Take Down This Cross!

I’m going to say something here, and I’ll need you to accept it as valid, regardless of your own personal position on the matter. The reason is because this opinion is mine, which makes it valid all by itself. And while we’re on the subject, by virtue of my having posted it publically on the Interwebs, it is no longer an opinion—but rather is to be accepted as objective, absolute truth by you and everyone else. If you need any further proof of the truth of my opinion/edict, then you need to look no further than social media or the mainstream media (but I repeat myself). The fact that I am on the Hysteria Bandwagon of the month and you are not indicates that you are marginalized and invalid, and thus subject to taunting, bullying, and frankly silencing. Because the rest of us feel this way, you are not allowed to disagree. And now for my carefully considered opinion/edict:

I am calling for the removal of the Christian cross from the entire public square.

It is way past time to retire this offensive symbol. It is causing undue harm to many people the world over, and by “harm” I mean hurt feelings. It is a reminder to many people of the horrific acts of violence committed under the auspices of this symbol. Now I don’t want to see any blog posts or social media rants trying to argue about the “original” “meaning” of this “symbol.” I know many of you—probably meat-eating evangelical types with [*sensitive shudder*] GUNS and GMO’s—want to argue that the cross is the symbol of the hope of all mankind. You want to trot out your tired old argument that the cross on which Jesus died is the universal symbol of God’s grace to mankind. I’m not going to get into that with you. Pearls before swine, and all that.

Rather, I’d like to just remind you of what this offensive symbol means TODAY. After all, what happened yesterday is not important. By silencing anything that might give offense, we are not being condescending in our infantilization of people--like you say--rather, we are EMPOWERING them.

[On a side note, perhaps if you fundamentalists hadn’t allowed your children to be vaccinated, you might understand why we urbane types substituted “Grievance Studies” for “History” in undergraduate. Stop with your obsession with “history,” already. Elections have consequences, and we won. We’re re-writing history, and you are racist. Go ingest more corporation-injected toxins from your hybrid corn and die an early death.]

During the Crusades, Christians committed horrible atrocities under the cross. And no, I don’t want to hear about the atrocities that YOUR “history” books show “started” it all. All you need to know is that the problem with Christianity is Christians, and therefore their symbol must go. That cross offends many of our Muslim brothers and sisters, and is a constant source of pain. It is a reminder that Western “civilization” is guilty of all terrible things in the history of the world, and therefore Westerners must be put in their place, which is extinction. Let’s start by extinct-ing the cross. Just like the dinosaurs and men who work on their own cars, the cross should die a horrific and public death, and anyone who wears one should be placed in the digital stocks of the Interwebs and forced to endure virtual fruit-throwing.

You want more evidence? How about this, O Backwards Consumer Of Gluten: the Ku Klux Klan uses the cross! That’s right—they burn crosses right there in people’s front lawn! Can you believe it? For you to wear a cross around your neck is to show solidarity with the KKK! And that’s why I can’t stop using these exclamation marks! Because you are offending me!

In fact, if the KKK has offices somewhere, they probably have their own stationary that has a cross right there on it! It probably says, “From the Desk of Cletus Whitey, Executive Kluky,” and is festooned with crosses! That organization didn’t exist until 1800 years after the cross became a symbol, but they have appropriated it nonetheless and now when people see the cross they see the Klan. You want to hang out with the Klan? Huh? Are you a racist?

Then get rid of the cross! Take it down now!

I really don’t want to hear any other viewpoints on this. I’ve done a lot of research on this issue—and by “research,” I mean I have personally—PERSONALLY—perused blog posts by people who agree with me, compiled a list of links to news sites that exclude any point of view other than my own, and followed people on Twitter who say the same things I say. Most importantly, I’ve looked around and noticed that all the Cool Kids are saying exactly the same thing I’m saying…..which pretty much leaves you on the outs. You’re not one of us. Think about this, You Foul Consumer Of Music Not Blogged About By Hipsters: If everyone who is anyone agrees with me on this, doesn’t that tell you something? And by “something,” I mean “something bad.”

Yes, I know all about the Majority Illusion argument. I am rolling my eyes at you as you try to remind me of the hilarious quote by Pauline Kael, who infamously noted in 1972 that “no one I know voted for Nixon” as she registered surprise that the President had won the most lopsided electoral victory in (up to that time) history. Poor Pauline lived in a world in which “majority” was a static reality against which she could not rail. We fabricate our own majorities today with hashtag campaigns. What we SAY is the majority IS the majority. Numbers don’t matter, because any of you cretins who disagree with us aren’t valid enough to be counted in the first place.

And I don’t want to hear your mumblings about fascism, either. That’s OUR word for YOU. For every one of you non-Mac-using racists who use the term “New Fascism” to describe our wonderfully Mao-ist Cultural Revolution, we are mentally tarring you with a big scarlet “R” for RACIST. It doesn’t matter if you really believe that you are superior to someone else because of race; that ship sailed a long time ago, O Bitter Clinger To God And Guns.

Racism is what WE say it is, and you are it. Now repent and start listening to Whiny College Kid Music.

Yes, the cross must go. People need to be liberated from its oppressive offense, and it needs to be relegated to a museum (until we change our minds about that, too). Don’t speak to me about the equivalence of symbol-scrubbing with history-scrubbing. I’ve already told you what history is, and the Cool Kids have all agreed with me already. Go back to your “property” and leave this conversation. For the last time: anyone who displays a cross is a Racist. There are no other innocent displays of this symbol now that the Cool Kids have agreed on it. Agree with us or suffer the consequences.

Oh, are you still talking? Do you honestly believe that you have a valid opinion on this? Go back to your gated community, until we come for that, too. Do not speak. Do not post. Do not respond. Do not react with defiance to our pretensions of cultural supremacy and authority. For we have ways of shutting you up. FOR GOOD.

My passion will die down in a few weeks, until the media gins up the Hysteria Factor once again by exploiting a news story and taking me off down a tangent. You either take this ride with the rest of us, or go live in a shack in the woods—which will make us nervous, and we’ll have to ban that, too. There is never a shortage of Good to do. Somewhere, somehow, someone is being offended—and we will put a stop to it.  

Which means, ultimately, we’ll put a stop to YOU.

I take it by your silence that you are finally agreeing with me.