The weekend wasn’t a cause for celebration for every
American, it turns out.
Layla Stenhoffensten, 41, a Very Smart Christian, had found
herself on the receiving end of a deep spirit of conviction after she
accidentally slipped into a patriotic line of thought Saturday evening while
contemplating the upcoming Fourth of July weekend.
The incident started with a History Channel documentary
about the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Although the program
contained the usual elements of revisionism guaranteed to keep the NPR-fawning
audience righteously indignant at the gall of the Founders to create a free
society, there was enough truth to the presentation to make Ms. Stenhoffensten
feel a slight twinge of pride in her country. As she mulled the fact that no
other nation in the history of civilization had ever enshrined individual
liberties like the United States, she felt inexplicably choked up at the
fantastically fortuitous accident that she’d been born within the boundaries of
this random but particular sovereign nation.
Ms. Stenhoffensten quickly recognized the hint of nativism
in her emotions and immediately began to engage her rational thought process—reminding
herself that the Founders were bad people, that America was a bad place that
was the origin of a lot of bad stuff. She fell to her knees in repentance that
she would ever truly appreciate being American, since all of the Smart Set
knows better. She furrowed her brow in an attempt to purge the phrase “sovereign
nation” from her consciousness.
On Sunday morning, she woke up to the sound of an electronic
alarm clock that runs on electricity that is wired safely and directly into her
domicile, which is sturdily built and withstands weather while providing a high
level of privacy. She arose from the custom-made mattress on which she had
slept—fitfully, as she had tormented herself for her jingoistic tendencies,
however slight and fleeting—and walked into a room within that domicile that
was dedicated entirely to flushing human waste away from the domicile. She
turned on a fixture that sprayed clean, disease-free water from a spigot that
was attached to an actual plumbing system that brought running water to her
house and cleansed herself for the seventh time in a week. After getting
dressed with garments that were manufactured and distributed inexpensively and
allowed her an atmosphere of originality and style, she traipsed into another
room in her domicile that contained a pot of coffee that had been pre-set to
make the night before. Angry at herself for her momentary patriotism, she
poured herself a cup and walked over to a bookshelf to look for her People’s
History of the United States by Howard Zinn. She hurriedly rifled through
the pages to find made-up examples of American genocide and evil, and the old
familiar feeling of smug self-righteousness began to creep slowly back into
her.
Feeling somewhat better about herself, she decided she could
go to church—as long as no one there mentioned America or freedom or liberty or
independence. She climbed into her vehicle—which was powered by an internal
combustion engine and had been quite affordable—and drove safely and without
incident down a meticulously engineered highway to a house of worship devoted
entirely to her particular brand of Christianity. As she entered the church,
she felt a sudden surge of embarrassment as she saw the American flag on
display there. Scowling angrily, she wondered why anyone would dare to mention
America in a house of worship. Certainly none of the Smart Set would ever draw
any connection between timely patriotism and Christian citizenship, and she
hoped she wasn’t the only Smart Person there.
Bowing her head in prayer, Ms. Stenhoffensten prayed
earnestly that the self-flagellation of the Smart Set would prevail in this
service, and that no one would give thanks for the grace to live in a nation
that that had enshrined individual liberty and created the safe and prosperous space
in which she lived and worked. She prayed that no one would “pledge allegiance”
to any country on earth. Fortunately, those in charge of the service worked
diligently to remove any hint of gratitude or patriotism for the country that
had made it possible to be so Smart.
While at church, Ms. Stenhoffensten repented deeply and
thoroughly for her temporal pride in her own nation. She concentrated heavily on
the goal of perpetuating the myth that Christians only owe allegiance to some “higher
government.” She scourged herself for the temporary lack of multicultural
diversity that must have been present for her to view the United States as
exceptional—even for a second. She mopped great sweat drops of blood from her
forehead as she cried tears of repentance for her momentary patriotism. As she
stood up from her prayer, she reminded herself that Christians don’t owe any
loyalty to anyone at all in the universe except Christ. All the Smart Set said
so.
Justin Martyr, who in the 2nd century had
actually argued that Christians are obliged to be good and patriotic citizens
while on the earth, could not be reached for comment.
After Ms. Stenhoffensten had repented of her momentary lapse
into patriotism, she made a date with one of her friends from church to go to
an affordable coffee shop where she could drink more coffee and commiserate
about the wickedness of being American. Since both women were from the Smart
Set, it never dawned on either of them how impossible their activities of the
day would be under the aegis of any other flag.
As she shared her horrifying brush with Americanism the
previous evening, Ms. Stenhoffensten kept her voice in a hushed whisper so as
not to be heard by the clearly backwards-looking person wearing the American
flag shirt near her. She was thankful for friends who were also in the Smart
Set, and thankful for good coffee that was locally sourced, gluten-free, and
made from coffee beans that had been exclusively grown with multicultural love
in soil that had been imported from Communist Cuba and tilled by overpriced
union labor.
As the two Very Smart Christians looked across the café at
the Less Smart Christians who loved their country, they were both bathed in an
other-worldly glow of smugness. As their faces lit with the Shekinah glory of
Smartness, the other patrons of the coffee shop fell to their knees in stupefied
horror. The divinely-illuminated faces peered austerely at the Bubbas and
Barbaras who cowered in patriotic ignorance before the Enlightened Presence. American
flags dissolved in the fiery rays that shot forth from the Smart Set’s eyes.
Halfway across the globe, Lee Greenwood collapsed in an incoherent seizure,
unable to sing while the Glory shone. On the campaign trail three states over,
Donald Trump’s hair melted in an Indiana-Jones-esque display, leaving a
pristine baldness on which had been tattooed the familiar green-and-red colors
of the Mexican flag. The barista trembled, frightened, in front of the Two
Witnesses, begging their mercy…but when they saw the bells that had been weaved
into his goatee, the dumbbell piercing in his upper lip and the man-bun
sensitively gathered atop his head, they smiled benevolently at him and allowed
the Death Ray to pass over him.
After repentance, the rest of the day went somewhat better
for Ms. Stenhoffensten. She read a few more chapters in her dog-eared Zinn
book, watched a Michael Moore documentary, and searched Urban Spoon for any
restaurant that specialized in some exotic non-American cuisine. Replacing the “golden
calf” of patriotism with the golden calf of Smart-Set Sourness was all the
adventure that she had needed to complete her repentance.
Whether that adventure took place in Texas or Istanbul was,
of course, immaterial to her.
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