Take Down This Cross!

I’m going to say something here, and I’ll need you to accept it as valid, regardless of your own personal position on the matter. The reason is because this opinion is mine, which makes it valid all by itself. And while we’re on the subject, by virtue of my having posted it publically on the Interwebs, it is no longer an opinion—but rather is to be accepted as objective, absolute truth by you and everyone else. If you need any further proof of the truth of my opinion/edict, then you need to look no further than social media or the mainstream media (but I repeat myself). The fact that I am on the Hysteria Bandwagon of the month and you are not indicates that you are marginalized and invalid, and thus subject to taunting, bullying, and frankly silencing. Because the rest of us feel this way, you are not allowed to disagree. And now for my carefully considered opinion/edict:

I am calling for the removal of the Christian cross from the entire public square.

It is way past time to retire this offensive symbol. It is causing undue harm to many people the world over, and by “harm” I mean hurt feelings. It is a reminder to many people of the horrific acts of violence committed under the auspices of this symbol. Now I don’t want to see any blog posts or social media rants trying to argue about the “original” “meaning” of this “symbol.” I know many of you—probably meat-eating evangelical types with [*sensitive shudder*] GUNS and GMO’s—want to argue that the cross is the symbol of the hope of all mankind. You want to trot out your tired old argument that the cross on which Jesus died is the universal symbol of God’s grace to mankind. I’m not going to get into that with you. Pearls before swine, and all that.

Rather, I’d like to just remind you of what this offensive symbol means TODAY. After all, what happened yesterday is not important. By silencing anything that might give offense, we are not being condescending in our infantilization of people--like you say--rather, we are EMPOWERING them.

[On a side note, perhaps if you fundamentalists hadn’t allowed your children to be vaccinated, you might understand why we urbane types substituted “Grievance Studies” for “History” in undergraduate. Stop with your obsession with “history,” already. Elections have consequences, and we won. We’re re-writing history, and you are racist. Go ingest more corporation-injected toxins from your hybrid corn and die an early death.]

During the Crusades, Christians committed horrible atrocities under the cross. And no, I don’t want to hear about the atrocities that YOUR “history” books show “started” it all. All you need to know is that the problem with Christianity is Christians, and therefore their symbol must go. That cross offends many of our Muslim brothers and sisters, and is a constant source of pain. It is a reminder that Western “civilization” is guilty of all terrible things in the history of the world, and therefore Westerners must be put in their place, which is extinction. Let’s start by extinct-ing the cross. Just like the dinosaurs and men who work on their own cars, the cross should die a horrific and public death, and anyone who wears one should be placed in the digital stocks of the Interwebs and forced to endure virtual fruit-throwing.

You want more evidence? How about this, O Backwards Consumer Of Gluten: the Ku Klux Klan uses the cross! That’s right—they burn crosses right there in people’s front lawn! Can you believe it? For you to wear a cross around your neck is to show solidarity with the KKK! And that’s why I can’t stop using these exclamation marks! Because you are offending me!

In fact, if the KKK has offices somewhere, they probably have their own stationary that has a cross right there on it! It probably says, “From the Desk of Cletus Whitey, Executive Kluky,” and is festooned with crosses! That organization didn’t exist until 1800 years after the cross became a symbol, but they have appropriated it nonetheless and now when people see the cross they see the Klan. You want to hang out with the Klan? Huh? Are you a racist?

Then get rid of the cross! Take it down now!

I really don’t want to hear any other viewpoints on this. I’ve done a lot of research on this issue—and by “research,” I mean I have personally—PERSONALLY—perused blog posts by people who agree with me, compiled a list of links to news sites that exclude any point of view other than my own, and followed people on Twitter who say the same things I say. Most importantly, I’ve looked around and noticed that all the Cool Kids are saying exactly the same thing I’m saying…..which pretty much leaves you on the outs. You’re not one of us. Think about this, You Foul Consumer Of Music Not Blogged About By Hipsters: If everyone who is anyone agrees with me on this, doesn’t that tell you something? And by “something,” I mean “something bad.”

Yes, I know all about the Majority Illusion argument. I am rolling my eyes at you as you try to remind me of the hilarious quote by Pauline Kael, who infamously noted in 1972 that “no one I know voted for Nixon” as she registered surprise that the President had won the most lopsided electoral victory in (up to that time) history. Poor Pauline lived in a world in which “majority” was a static reality against which she could not rail. We fabricate our own majorities today with hashtag campaigns. What we SAY is the majority IS the majority. Numbers don’t matter, because any of you cretins who disagree with us aren’t valid enough to be counted in the first place.

And I don’t want to hear your mumblings about fascism, either. That’s OUR word for YOU. For every one of you non-Mac-using racists who use the term “New Fascism” to describe our wonderfully Mao-ist Cultural Revolution, we are mentally tarring you with a big scarlet “R” for RACIST. It doesn’t matter if you really believe that you are superior to someone else because of race; that ship sailed a long time ago, O Bitter Clinger To God And Guns.

Racism is what WE say it is, and you are it. Now repent and start listening to Whiny College Kid Music.

Yes, the cross must go. People need to be liberated from its oppressive offense, and it needs to be relegated to a museum (until we change our minds about that, too). Don’t speak to me about the equivalence of symbol-scrubbing with history-scrubbing. I’ve already told you what history is, and the Cool Kids have all agreed with me already. Go back to your “property” and leave this conversation. For the last time: anyone who displays a cross is a Racist. There are no other innocent displays of this symbol now that the Cool Kids have agreed on it. Agree with us or suffer the consequences.

Oh, are you still talking? Do you honestly believe that you have a valid opinion on this? Go back to your gated community, until we come for that, too. Do not speak. Do not post. Do not respond. Do not react with defiance to our pretensions of cultural supremacy and authority. For we have ways of shutting you up. FOR GOOD.

My passion will die down in a few weeks, until the media gins up the Hysteria Factor once again by exploiting a news story and taking me off down a tangent. You either take this ride with the rest of us, or go live in a shack in the woods—which will make us nervous, and we’ll have to ban that, too. There is never a shortage of Good to do. Somewhere, somehow, someone is being offended—and we will put a stop to it.  

Which means, ultimately, we’ll put a stop to YOU.

I take it by your silence that you are finally agreeing with me.

Openly Christian Mayor Subpoenas Wiccan Ritual Lists

(AP—Gluten Free, California)

The election of an openly Christian mayor in Gluten Free, California, has created quite a firestorm in this small town. This sleepy hamlet of anti-GMO activists and Prius drivers boasts the nation’s highest per-capita concentration of locally-owned, free-range beef fed with rainbows and love—but now is the epicenter of a social media maelstrom that has put Gluten Free on the map once and for all.

In a move that has caused ripples throughout the population of surface-scratching opinion-holders, the city council of Gluten Free has officially subpoenaed the ritual lists, coven rosters, and internal communications among members of the local Wiccan groups. While some are calling the move a blatant disregard for the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, others are defending the government demand by pointing the fingers of blame squarely back at the Wiccans.

“This entire subpoena business is just a reaction to their petition drive,” explained Ron Blawspowski, a city council member and openly practicing Christian. The petition drive to which he referred was an attempt on the part of the city’s Wiccans to protest the newest municipal ordinance UVA 514 (Utopian Vision Attempt 514). UVA 514 was passed by a narrow margin earlier in the spring, and has been commonly called the “anti-discrimination act.” It is a broad-stroked bill that holds up for contempt any local organization that practices discrimination against Christians.

In the months that followed the ordinance, the local Wiccans, who worship nature and are philosophically opposed to the exclusive worship of one un-created Deity, organized a petition drive to have the ordinance either tossed out or amended to be more specific regarding what might constitute “discrimination.” Many of the local coven leaders believed that the ordinance was designed to “out” Wiccan leaders as anti-Christian in the public eye, thereby making them seem intolerant and negatively impacting weekly nature worship.

“We got WAY more than enough signatures on that petition,” explained Donna Sloughingonsimon, local Wiccan priestess. “They should have listened to the voices of the people they serve. Instead, they tossed out the petition on a technicality—all so that they could continue to govern as though they are the “boss” and not the “public servant.”

The city attorney was coy when questioned about the subpoenas. “We don’t really expect to win or anything,” he explained as he relaxed in his office, which was festooned with Christian crosses and other memorabilia. “We just want the citizens of Gluten Free to know how anti-Christian the local Wiccans are….and really, all Wiccans.”

When the subpoenas were handed down, it sent immediate ripples through social media. Many Wiccans, now denied their due process before city council after the petition debacle, took to Facebook to alert the rest of civilization about this heavy-handed attempt at forced political correctness. Some called it an overreach, others a blatant disregard for the First Amendment. The city attorney found this last accusation laughable. “This is freakin’ California. We haven’t bothered with that for decades!”

Not all Wiccans were outraged by the spectre of a government entity demanding to review religious material of any organizations for any purposes whatsoever. Some, who possess infinitely more tolerance and enlightenment than The Average Wiccan, suggested that Wiccans should simply calm down. This was the position of Dave Featherbrain, practicing Wiccan who frequently sides with Christians on just about every single issue: “These coven lists are public anyway….so what’s the big deal? There’s a lot more to this story than just the subpoenas. Calm down, people….this is why people hate Wiccans!”

Still, others—not necessarily Wiccan—were deeply disturbed by the precedent, and even more so by the self-flagellating attempt to blame Wiccans for Christians’ unconstitutional behavior: “Did the Wiccans not have the right to petition city council on their own behalf?” asked Laura Greatneck, a Christian who nonetheless expressed alarm at the city’s legal action. “Exactly how was this their fault? Let me tell you….if the government comes for Wiccans today, and we stand by and allow it….they’ll come for us next. This is very---“

Her sentence was cut off by a uniformed Christian in a squad Prius, who came to a remarkably silent halt and cuffed Greatneck, charging her with a violation of UVA 514. He then drove off in an economically conscious fashion, with a minimal carbon footprint and a rainbow being softly emitted from the exhaust.

Outside City Hall, protesters from both sides of the issue gathered to argue for the cameras.

"We stand for liberty!" shouted Wiccan worshiper Gladys Trunk.

"No one's free to be a bigot!" responded Roger Rickenlooper.

A Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan came and stood next to Christian Roger Rickenlooper and jabbed an accusatory finger at her Wiccan sister: "You're giving the rest of us Wiccans a bad name by not just rolling over and doing what you're told! Your priority should be serving the Goddess, not 'liberty!'"

"Yeah, so shut up and worship Christ!" shouted Rickenlooper. He turned to the Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan and said, "Great to have you on our side!" Then, as an aside to our reporter, he rolled his eyes.

Eventually, Rickenlooper and the Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan strolled off together to enjoy an overpriced latte and listen to whiny folk music. Gladys Trunk was left to trudge off, alone.

The Christian mayor, who claims that he had nothing to do with any of this, expressed the hope that the city of Gluten Free would simply go back to believing whatever the Huffington Post told them to believe in the future, and leave the activism to people with whom he already agreed. “You guys want to be on the right side of history, right?” he winked at members of the media. Several of them winked back.

[UPDATE]: As of this writing, the previously shouted-down Wiccans have begun changing their ritual lists and coven rosters in order to be in compliance with UVA 514. The practice of “good and responsible citizenship” has been dropped from their rituals, and “rote obedience” has replaced it. The next City Council meeting contains an item on the agenda that limits the liberty of Tolerant and Enlightened Wiccan to worship as she sees fit. There are reports that she is celebrating.

Oh No....Some Guy At Huff-Po Says There Is No Rapture!

Some guy named Zack Hunt has penned an anti-Rapture article for the Huffington Post that is causing a bit of a hubbub. I’ve seen several fellow Christians forward it to me, with the intention of asking my take as a pastor-theologian. The popularity of this particular article at the moment notwithstanding, here is my short answer: there is nothing new here. This guy is simply promulgating a tired old take on a biblical doctrine, and he's not doing it particularly well. 

I am familiar with this type of argument, and remain unimpressed by it. There is much about pre-millennial eschatology (or, for that matter, all eschatology) that stands on rather shaky textual ground. But for all their bluster about how they are the Reasonable Crowd, the Evangelical-Haters always end up resorting to silly and fallacious argumentative strategies. I have three specific problems with this article:

1.       It is anecdotal. This belongs to what I call the “Bible Belt BS” premise. You’ve heard it before: “I grew up in the Bible Belt, so I have a right to criticize all of Christianity with the broad brush of what I think I learned about it when I was 8.” A reasonable argument is one that begins with a premise and works toward a syllogism, as opposed to a story about one person’s limited and biased experience. I would throw equal criticism at anyone who argues that God heals because she knows someone who got healed. Since we all know people who didn’t “get healed,” there needs to be a better logical defense for the premise of divine healing than anecdotal examples. Same with eschatology.

2.       It is shallow. I’ve come to expect this from anything appearing in the Huffington Post to begin with. But if, in the first paragraph of your argument, you can’t spell your way out of a 3^rd-grade homonym contest (“head over heals” instead “head over heels”) then you might be writing for an online publication with little to no editorial oversight—to say nothing of your own lack of education, credibility or grammatical/literary maturity. And make no mistake about it: this author wants to discredit Jack Van Impe on the basis of a lack of education and credibility. In so doing, Zach Hunt has been hoisted on his own petard.

3.       It is historically inaccurate. The notion that the Rapture is a “new” concept that began with John Nelson Darby in the early 19^th century is an old canard, and as false as Joe Biden’s hair plugs. While Darby is the first person to “jump start” the pre-millennialist popularity in the Western hemisphere, the truth is that the entire early Church embraced a pre-millennialist eschatology. You’ll note that the “early” theologians he references who were preterist or amillenialist were Augustine and Aquinas. Not only are these two guys separated by about 1,000 years, but Augustine is about 200 years after a major shift in Church eschatological doctrinal formation. The first century or two of the Church saw a unanimous embrace of the belief that Christ was on His way back. When He didn’t show up by the end of the 2^nd century, many theologians started looking for ways to re-interpret those passages of scripture. Thus, the advent of amillenialism, preterism, etc. So Zack Hunt's view of the end times is actually the "newcomer" on the theological scene. Ironically, this particular author’s professor had told him correctly….we are in the last days, and have been for 2,000 years. That is no reason to doubt Christ’s words, however. In fact, the Greek ἁρπάζω (“harpazo”) from 1 Thessalonians 4.17 means to “snatch,” as a thief grabs something violently. The Latin translation of this word was “raptus,” from which we take our word “rapture.”

I can embrace as fellow Christians others who don’t see the end times as I do, since eschatology isn’t a cardinal doctrine of the faith. As long as that person believes in the bodily return of Jesus Christ, he isn't committing heresy by disbelieving in the Rapture (for which a very sound biblical case has been made by many, including myself). But if he takes a snarky, disrespectful tone to brothers and sisters who are pretty obviously more studied than he on the topic, paints all of them with the broad brush of Toothless Hillbilly Evangelical, and publishes his bile on the nation’s leading liberal blog, he is doing something other than “embracing” his fellow Christians in love.

Consider the source before ascribing any validity to it.