It's Hard Out Here For An Amateur Theologian

Dear Taxpayers:

I am writing in hopes of gaining your support on an important issue that is close to my heart. I am a poor seminary student, and as such am attending a private theological graduate school. One of the rules that they have at my school is that while I am there, I must agree to not drink alcohol. I think this is really unfair, inasmuch as I’d like to have a Scotch every day after class. Because it costs so much money to go to private theological seminary, I don’t earn enough to be able to buy my own Scotch. And so I would like to ask you, the American taxpayer, if you could find it in your collective heart to pay for some of that cost, AND to force my private theological seminary to also pay for it.

I am a really bright student, so I did the math on this Scotch business. If I purchased one bottle of Scotch each week, that would amount to almost $400 a month in alcohol expenditures. That’s $4800 a year—almost a whole summer salary for a poverty-stricken theologian-in training like me. Add to that the statistical probability that I might still not be quite worth $4800 a year once I graduate, and you can readily see the problem.

According to the statistics I am using, over 40% of seminary students are finding it problematic to pay for their own alcohol. Even though we signed an agreement voluntarily adhering to this policy, of course we feel that our lack of integrity should still be subsidized by the American taxpayer—and, most importantly, the seminary itself. Thanks to HHS Secretary Kathleen Sabellius—who coincidentally shares the same name as a 4^th century heretic—we now should be able to look forward to our federal government mandating that our seminary fund this alcohol provision as a means of upholding “men’s health.” Since having to pay for my own Scotch would have a deleterious impact on my health, you can see why this issue is so important to me.

I knew of one seminary student who wanted to violate his agreement and purchase some alcohol, but learned at the liquor store desk that the seminary insurance plan didn’t cover alcohol. He had to turn away from Habib, the manager, and slink away in shame. This shouldn’t happen in the 21^st century. This war on men’s health by our private theological seminary is shameful and should be changed by the force of law.

I hope that I am hailed as a civil rights hero by our Glorious Leader, President Barack Obama. Maybe he’ll call me to make sure I’m alright and my feelings aren’t too hurt by all the negative press I’ve been getting about my unique health needs. After all, it was really hurtful for that radio talk host to make fun of me and call me a drunk. This is about rights. Not the rights of my seminary, mind you (they’re Christian, so they don’t really have rights)—but the rights of me. Also myself and I.

I have the right to drink large quantities of Scotch after class. I have the right to have you pay for it. I have the right for the government to make the seminary pay for it. Ya’ll help a brother out here. 

President Obama Apologizes To British For American Revolution

President Obama, flush with encouragement from the Salon.com editorial board, ordered Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to formally apologize to England for the American Revolution in 1776.

“It is time we as a nation move past our petty nativism and finally apologize once and for all to the innocent British redcoats, particularly King George III,” he explained. “The notion of American exceptionalism is profoundly offensive to the rest of the world, and I want to sincerely apologize for it.”

No response was forthcoming from Britain, other than the sound of confused stammering from the House of Commons.  The President hopes to stage a ceremonial burning of the Declaration of Independence on the Mall in Washington, D.C., as a token of goodwill to our neighbor across the pond. It is believed that it would also make a nice gesture to Islamofascists who like burning things.

“I can’t apologize enough for the accidental burning of the you-know-what a few weeks ago,” whispered the President in a hushed, reverent tone. “It’s difficult to imagine that that happened. I completely understand your response of 6 dead Americans; it makes perfect sense to me. And I’m also sorry that I let 42 consecutive minutes pass without an apology about my first seven apologies.”  Bowing repeatedly, the President backed away from the podium and retreated back into the West Wing, where it is reported that he is working on an apology for the invention of plastic, as well.

It is not immediately known what effect the apology will have on frosty American-English relations. The British are angry that American feminists with severe haircuts and sensible shoes issued such an organized backlash against a British-based airlines that dared to hire attractive women to work as stewardesses. The Americans are angry at the British for honestly believing that the Beatles should be mentioned in the same breath with Jimi Hendrix. President Obama famously sent back a bust of Winston Churchill that had resided in the White House for a long period of time, ostensibly because Churchill is the one who said, “anyone under the age of 30 who’s not a liberal has no heart; and anyone over the age of 30 who’s not a conservative has no brain.” It is well-known that President Obama is over 30.

The descendants of some American patriots are outraged over the apology, but the President has instructed his Attorney General Eric “I Haven’t Been Convicted Of A Felony Yet” Holder to file a suit against them ordering them to stop using the word “patriot.” “That’s a hurtful word, and only serves to exacerbate the tensions in the world today. We are all citizens of the world,” the President’s teleprompter read. The Department of Education is working diligently to expunge any record of American victory at Yorktown or anyplace else. “We’re sorry for having those in our books in the first place,” the President said with lowered head.

No apology was issued to the 43 million babies murdered since 1973, the families of U.S. soldiers murdered by Afghan militants, or the families of 9/11 victims. But sources close to the President report that he is also working on an apology to the microbes found in the polar ice caps of Mars, since an American probe is known to have crash-landed there.

Wouldn't Jesus Wear Tom's Shoes?

It’s trendy right now to engage in a bunch of self-flagellation over being Christian. Oh, we’ve been so prejudiced! Oh, woe is us…we’re turned so many people off! Oh, how could we have been so narrow-minded! Oh, why can’t we all just give up on the Culture Wars and buy Tom’s Shoes already?

Really, Christians? 

Are we still wringing our hands over the Crusades (which were started by the other side, by the way….go back and read your history)? Are we still upset that the Founders of America weren’t explicitly Christian? Are we still upset with ourselves for not abolishing slavery in 1776 instead of 1863? Or is our self-loathing attached to more recent causes, like the Great Cultural Divide of the 1960’s—you know, where we staid, formal, stuffy old Christians condemned hippies to hell because they didn’t wear ties to church? Every time I turn around, I see another Christian—tellingly, it’s usually a Millennial like Tim King—doing a mea culpa for the horrific cultural transgressions of earlier Christians. The unspoken message seems to be, “I’m sorry for the older Christians who talked about things that embarrassed me. But look at me….I’ve got the same stupid haircut that you have, and wear the Tom’s shoes, and use a Mac, and *gasp* vote for Democrats! So you see? You can still join the Christian Club!”

Enough already. If you’re going to add your voice to the conversation that’s been going on for 2,000 years, it would be helpful for you to add something pertinent, relevant, edifying, and maybe even new. But Mr. King, it is evident that you are history-challenged, as well as doctrinally infantile. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone noticing that you posted on CNN (The Communist News Network), or that you are a Millennial. Millennials are famous for not knowing what the heck they’re talking about but still giving themselves mad props for saying it anyway.

If I understand your beef correctly, your biggest problem with “certain” Christians is they seem “obsessed” with the Culture Wars. In fact, your criticism leaves absolutely no doubt whatsoever who you think are the real offenders: “The Jesus I read about in Scriptures taught love, acceptance, peace and concern for the poor, but the Christian leaders on TV and radio always seemed to be pro-rich, pro-white, pro-America and anti-gay.”  Elsewhere, in case your audience missed it, you clarified the Bad Guys even further: “When Franklin Graham sets up double standards of faith for Republicans and Democrats, when Pat Robertson intones about a coming “secular atheist dictatorship,” when the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins goes off about the dangers of repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and other “anti-family, anti-religious, anti-Christian policies,” when the great test for the next President of our country is who has “real” theology and who has “phony” theology, it might make for good sound bites.”

So your real problem is with Christians who take their Christianity seriously. Christians who read the Bible seriously. Worse yet….Christians who happen to be conservative. And you are blaming THEM for young people leaving the Church? Let me help you out with the facts.

As a Millennial, you naturally don’t believe that anything that happened before you were born (or the invention of the iPad, whichever came first) bears any societal relevance. But, as usual, you are wrong. Let me remind you that these same “Culture Wars” that you so eloquently (and in a similar sheep-like fashion to everyone else) decry were started by the Left. It wasn’t a bloated, tie-wearing, Scripture-quoting conservative Christian that sued to remove prayer from the public school. It wasn’t a conservative who pushed a synthetically-engineered social engineering paradigm on a culture that resulted in a 52% divorce rate, a generation of latchkey kids raised on television, and the bloated welfare state. It wasn’t a conservative who did an end-around to avoid the vote of the majority in order to get 9 people in robes to write law for the rest of us. It wasn’t a preacher who sued to have the Ten Commandments removed. The Left started this, and in response, a generation of Christians finally rose up in the 1970’s and 1980’s because they were alarmed that their faith was being quickly removed from the public square. Before the Left declared war on Christianity, Jerry Falwell was just a Baptist preacher who tended his own flock. Pat Robertson was just a Pentecostal preacher who tended his own flock. What drove these guys to prominence was that they felt called to stand up for the faith that was under direct and legal assault from the “free” country that promised to guarantee those same liberties. They’ve both become bywords for religious intolerance—which is a stunningly Orwellian irony, since the only reason they became prominent in the first place was to combat religious intolerance. And what's really ironic is that NONE OF THESE GUYS EVER ADVOCATED BEING INTOLERANT TO SOMEONE ELSE. That's just the non-sequitur that YOU slapped them with.

Now see if you can follow along with me logically: why is it not ok for Christians to make their voice heard in the public square? You seem to think it’s just fine when Saul Alinsky does it. When followers of his proto-Marxist rhetoric make placards and march on city squares and raise their tiny minority-voice to be heard above the din of the majority, you hail them as heroes. You name streets after them. You name schools after them. As a Millennial, you were definitely raised in a time and a place in which such citizen-activists (previously known as ne’er-do-wells who couldn’t find a job if you pointed them to one) were held up as models of behavior that you should emulate. Why is it ok for Barack Obama to be a grievance-stoking “community organizer,” but it’s somehow wrong and hypocritical and a big turn-off for a Christian to do the same thing? The hypocrisy, sir, is all on your side.

Now I would like to broadly agree with one principle that you stated—your biggest point in your essay was to state that not all Christians are Republicans. Of course, you also implied that as long as many Christians ARE Republicans, you Millennials will keep leaving the Church—and this says more about your maturity than it does Republican Christians—but I’ll come back to this in a moment. For now, I’d like to agree with your central premise: that you don’t have to vote Republican to be Christian. Congratulations on accidentally landing on a kernel of truth….a kernel of truth that was well-known among Christians long before you fancied yourself a Hobbs-esque philosopher with that Captain Obvious Observation. No one has ever taught this. Falwell never said this, Robertson never said this, Tony Perkins doesn’t believe this. In fact, the only people who preach that your religion is always a function of your politics are YOUR people…you know, the ones on the Left.

I will state it for the record: a Christian does NOT have to vote Republican, but accepting the mythological narrative that centralized wealth redistribution is something Jesus favors is every bit as nonsensical as you accuse Franklin Graham of being. What makes you think that “love, acceptance, peace, and concern for the poor” is the territory of the Left? Your Great Society—voted on and foisted on the American people in 1965 (again, before your time) with actual Scriptural proof-texts—actually had the opposite effect. It produced hate, rejection, intolerance, and a broader underclass of unemployable citizens than has ever existed since the inception of this great country. We have enough history now to guide us to the only correct conclusion: if you truly have any concern for the poor, then you will reject the same tired ideas of increased taxation and government redistribution.  

So let’s put Christianity and politics in perspective—not a Millennial strong suit, but you have to try if you want to be in a grown-up conversation—by reminding you of history once again. There are, broadly speaking, two political ideologies battling for world supremacy at this moment: egalitarianism and libertinism.

You can be a follower of Jesus Christ and be either. Period.

If a libertarian says you have to be libertarian to be Christian, he is being prejudiced. If an egalitarian says you have to be egalitarian to be Christian, he is also being prejudiced. I don’t see what’s so difficult to understand about this—but then again, I hail from a generation in which we were required to read Orwell, and could recognize political doublespeak when we hear it.

You can follow Christ and be either one, but your best chance of staying alive for the longest amount of time and being able to live out your theology successfully is in libertinism. That’s just an observation; not a dogmatic pronouncement. When you live in a society in which “everybody is free,” you will have to live with inequality. The only perfect government will exist when Christ returns and brings it with Him. Conversely, when you live in a society in which “making everyone equal” is the overarching value, you will see individual liberties get stripped away in order to enforce that. Eventually, your liberty to believe in Jesus Christ WILL get stripped. Not MAY—but WILL. That’s history. When you get so offended by that observation that you leave the church in a huff, you display your own immaturity. But until Christ returns, you on the Left will wonder how Christians on the Right can vote against wealth redistribution. And Christians on the Right will wonder how Christians on the Left can vote for a man who actually supported an infanticide bill on the floor of the Illinois State Senate. And both sides will still be Christians, assuming that both still confess the central creeds of orthodoxy that have existed since Chalcedon (A.D. 451…I know….it’s before your time).

If you’re leaving the Church because you associate it with conservatism, then you demonstrate that you know precious little about the mission and nature of the Church—AND conservatism. So while you’re on your Mac tablet, read up on your history. When you decide to add your voice to the ongoing conversation, make sure you’re adding something that is worthwhile—not just a retread of an argument made by Jonathan Alter at Newsweek years ago (I know…it’s  a magazine. How very quaint.)

Mr. King, you were right about one thing: if 62% of college-age young people are leaving the Church, it’s the Church’s fault, not college’s. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve long argued that we’ve spent too much time ripping out our pews, creating Christian rock bands, changing our hairstyles, and generally trying to ape the people around us. We’ve ceased to be effective ministers of the gospel to a hostile culture because we no longer have faith in our own message. Perhaps if we’d spent less time lighting candles and having frank discussions about sex in youth group, and actually teaching these kids what we believe and why we believe it, they wouldn’t be so quick to toss their faith overboard when they get into Dr. Leftoflenin’s class. An unexamined faith is a weak faith, and we’ve done a terrible job at teaching and strengthening our young people’s faith. The bigger problem, from our vantage point, is that we’ve basically withdrawn from the culture entirely. Our kids go to home schools or Christian schools or youth groups, then go to Bible colleges, then work in churches, and never have to rub elbows with the world.  We have our own music, art, schools, political structures, and even neighborhoods. It’s completely unscriptural. Perhaps it would be better for them if we spent their youth group years inculcating them with real doctrine and apologetics and logic—then sent them to secular university to live out that faith. Then it would become real to them.

But you cannot throw the baby out with the bathwater. You cannot toss the Falwells and Robertsons under the bus because you’re embarrassed by their conservatism. The Church is bigger than liberal or conservative. You are espousing one side of that—liberal—and out of the other side of your mouth you are excoriating the other side, conservatives. When people leave the Church, they leave for their own reasons. When you elevate the Equalizers over the Freedom-lovers, you are committing the same blasphemy you thundered about in your essay.

Grow up and stop it.  

Top 10 Ways Civilization Would Have Been Different If My Wife Hadn't Bought 1,235 Curtain Rods And Blinds To Install

1. I would have finished reading After Death, by Dr. Herbert Luckock, and then formulated a response thesis regarding a conscious existence in the afterlife that would bring hope to millions.
2. I would have read a few more chapters in The History of Christianity by Justo Gonzalez, causing me to place the book back onto its place on the shelf. Once there, it would have taken up just enough space to warrant my building another 8’ tall bookcase, thereby having to purchase two full sheets of $45 birch wood, and helping the economy accordingly.
3. I would have finished my re-reading of Heller’s Catch-22, causing me to be in a satirically humorous mood for the remainder of the week. This, in turn, would have given me just enough goodwill to not direct violent thoughts toward Red Oak drivers who are incapable of driving faster than 18 mph. Bloodshed would have been averted.
4. I would have taken my dog, General Sam Houston, for a long walk through the neighborhood. This would have helped stabilize my blood pressure, and would have staved off the inevitable stroke or heart attack that will eventually fell me, thereby cutting short my corpus of work (mostly snarky posts) designed to edify all of Mankind and glorify God.
5. I would have been unable to put off any further the task of changing the oil in our cars. This, in turn, would have caused me to tell my son to change the oil in our cars. Doing so would have taught him responsibility and pride in his work, and he would have grown up and been a conservative. Instead, his sense of entitlement that oil changing is beneath him will inevitably cause him to grow up and march loudly on a state capitol somewhere, waving placards and demanding other people’s property.
6. I would have taken a nap. This would have caused me to put off writing my exegetical paper for Dr. Fantin, which would have caused him to thunderously condemn my sloth, which in turn would have resulted in my still having to write the same paper, but in a much more hurried fashion. Now I’m accidentally going to write it well. Hopefully.
7. I would have brushed up on my Russian, inspiring me to join the State Department and forge healthier relations with our Russian brothers and sisters. This, ultimately, would have led to a final and lasting trade solution that would have enriched the United States beyond measure.
8. I would have finished writing my book, “Why Marx Is Still Wrong.” I would have then mailed it to President Obama, who would have read it, changed his mind about his worldview, and changed parties.
9. I would have hammered out a peace deal between the “Palestinian people” and Israel. Everyone would agree to get along, or else “I’m going to have to come over there.” The Nobel Peace Prize Committee would have called my house a few days later to congratulate me.
10. I would not have had the inclination to write this missive, which in turn has kept me from hanging blinds and curtains.

Dear Susan G. Komen Foundation:

I am very disappointed in you. You had a chance to continue funding the fantastic work that we began almost a century ago, and you caved to societal pressure. I know that the majority of Americans are now pro-life, so I guess you felt you had no choice but to pull your own private money away from the one organization that still proudly stands for our principles. It’s a shame that your organization still exists in a “free” society, or else perhaps we could coerce you to continue supporting Planned Parenthood with private dollars. There’s always a way to make those pesky Christian types bow to the will of the State….heh heh heh…just ask those Catholic bishops who fawningly rolled over for Your Dear Leader when it came time to garner religious support for the Affordable Health Care Act. Now their own private dollars are going to be used to support a practice they consider abhorrent and immoral. And I thought WE were the heavy-handed ones in history.

I understand your nervousness at being lumped with Planned Parenthood. It seems as if every step we take forward, there’s some conscience-stricken people group forcing us two steps backward. It seemed, for example, that most American citizens had finally retired to their respective corners and decided that abortion was just a “personal matter of conscience” and the attendant debate was between two morally equivalent groups who just saw the world differently. But now that Science has demonstrated conclusively that that fetus is actually alive in there, we don’t have a lot of leg left to stand on there. Imagine that! Science—the weapon with which we’ve bludgeoned Christians for almost a century now, the weapon that we proudly claimed would purify us and keep us in power for a thousand years –being turned on us. It’s truly ironic. The only people left in the country who are still saying, “but how do we KNOW it’s an actual life? No one can be sure…” are the dolts who don’t pay attention, since that question was answered long ago. We know it’s alive….but it shouldn’t be, and that’s the point.

Why, Planned Parenthood has a long and storied history of being allied with our interests. You might not remember, but its founder, Margaret Sanger, believed that abortion should be used to thin the black herd, so to speak. We agreed with her enthusiastically, and she considered herself an actual ally of ours. It’s funny how prescient the old bird was….every three days, more black Americans are killed by abortion than were killed by the Ku Klux Klan in its heyday.

 We used ovens; your country uses abortion.Tomato, tomato, or so they say.

And somehow, your society has managed to portray us Lefties as the “party for people of color.”

Yes, there’s plenty of irony to go around. In addition to getting schooled by science, and still being able to portray ourselves as supporting people of color, we also have managed to make a lot of shallow thinkers believe that this is about rights. HA! Fortunately, Margaret Sanger’s friends in the Progressive Movement took over the public education system, so now you have a whole generation of kiddo’s who don’t know their own history…they’re not aware that my right to punch you in the nose stops at your right to NOT be punched in the nose. That’s why many of them think of abortion as a “woman’s right,” not in terms of the baby’s right. Want some irony? How about the fact that we Lefties HATE the pesky Constitution, but always try to justify our foibles by finding some long-lost right in it? It’s also ironic that the very people who claim to just want reasoned discourse are the ones shouting and spitting in state legislatures, dumping condoms on Catholic schoolgirls, and posting hate-filled rants about morality on Facebook….and then have the chutzpah to turn around and call Christians “people of hate.” LOL. (I hope I used that right; we didn’t have that term in my day).

We all know that what it’s really all about is redistribution…..Marxism. Taking property away from one citizen and giving it to another. But that’s the problem, isn’t it, Susan G. Komen Foundation? Planned Parenthood is running out of money. Not enough people still believe in the cause of systematically killing black children like Margaret Sanger and my old boss did. And so we’ve tried to hide behind the cover of “providing breast cancer screening” and other such schlock. But it seems that most American citizens prefer to go to an actual doctor, and so our beloved Planned Parenthood suffers.

Now you listen to me, and you listen to me good, Susan G. Komen Foundation: we’ve worked long and hard to bring respectability to our principles in your American society. There’s still 40-something percent of the American population that will believe whatever we tell them. And we’re not about to take this lying down. Get ready to get bombarded by lots of placard-waving, Saul Alinsky-ite ne’er-do-wells engaged in “protest.” Get ready for mass emails. Get ready for snarky comments by late-night comics, and the infantile people who get their politics from them. We’re going to bombard you from every direction in an attempt to hide the fact that we are a dwindling minority.

Because if killing off people that we find “inconvenient” isn’t worth your money, what is?

Sincerely,

The Ghost of Josef Mengele

Scientists Unveil Jackass Clock

Scientists from a panel of leading universities held a press conference Tuesday to unveil what they call the Jackass Clock. According to researchers in the know, the Jackass Clock is now showing 6 minutes until Total Cultural Retardation (TCR). It had previously read 5 minutes until TCR.

Scientists were quick to remind viewers that this is largely symbolic, although some parts are literal: “This is for real. We are headed for the ultimate state of blithering absurdity, but it’s probably a bit further off than 6 minutes,” said one gray-haired researcher. He looked around the room at the gaggle of media writers, then added, “Or not. Who knows? Maybe we’re already there.”

One of the reporters, a Newsweek writer with a severe haircut and sensible shoes who may have played women’s softball in college, asked what cultural factors were contributing to the rapid decline in collective intelligence in American culture, and the panel of scientists produced a list of activities that caused noticeable alarm among the audience.

When the Newsweek reporter saw “The Rachel Maddow Show” at #23, she glowered angrily.

Elsewhere, the list included the omnipresence of “smart phones,” the ubiquitous nature of those tiny little toy cars on the highway, and people who give their children “creative” names. One scientist explained the complex formula used to “compute” the minutes remaining on the clock to the audience: “a wealth of factors are taken into consideration, but some factors are leading us to this doomsday scenario quicker than others; for example, reality shows speed up the Jackass Clock, but constant replay of Modern Marvels episodes slows it down. Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin offering ‘analysis’ on NFL Network speeds up the Jackass Clock, but the presence of Rich Eisen slows it down. We had to mathematically compute the Rate of Retardation Flux using these factors, and it can actually get quite complicated.”

When one reporter asked about sports in general being a factor, the scientist was quick to respond: “actual sports do little to affect the clock, as competition and sport is wired into the human DNA. But every person in the world who watches soccer is speeding up the Jackass Clock considerably.”

It was also noted that the mere mention of the word “Kardashian” caused the Jackass Clock to run approximately 32 times faster than normal jackassery. Along with the Kardashians, any mention of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry or American Idol speeds up the clock, as well. Farmville, Twitter and MSNBC all had intermediate rates of higher speed, while King of the Hill episodes, fishing, and cabinet-making contributed to the slowing down of the clock. The 1969 Dodge Charger slowed down the Jackass Clock; the 2011 Dodge Charger sped it up (particularly when coupled with $400 rims). Anything related to Bill Maher sped up the clock; anything related to John Wayne slowed it down. One of the scientists explained that paying any attention at all to the Sierra Club-loving, PETA-supporting, Indigo Girls-listening to Doomsday Clock morons would most assuredly speed up the clock.

The scientists explained that as we approach Total Cultural Retardation, we will lose all taste in art, all ability to think critically, and all interest in current events entirely. The landscape is expected to look similar to the future one depicted in the forgotten film Idiocracy. College classes will consist of “Multiculturalism” and “Postcolonial American Arrogance In The Third World And The k.d. lang Fans Who Hate It,” but will no longer require Shakespeare, Chaucer or Dickens. Before they left the press conference, the gray-haired scientist warned that it’s not too late to stop the advance of the Jackass Clock: “We haven’t yet descended into pure buffoonery, but if you kids keep wearing this hat, we will get there a lot quicker.” With this, he produced the following hat, to the disapproving hisses of the twenty-something reporters in the room:

“What about the flat-bill?” asked the Newsweek reporter.

“No,” was the scientist’s response, “high levels of douchery lead to definite increases in speed for the Jackass Clock.”

When the press conference was over, the scientists filed out solemnly. Despite the ominous-looking clock in the foyer, most of the reporters adjourned themselves to play Halo for the rest of the afternoon.