It's Hard Out Here For An Amateur Theologian

Dear Taxpayers:

I am writing in hopes of gaining your support on an important issue that is close to my heart. I am a poor seminary student, and as such am attending a private theological graduate school. One of the rules that they have at my school is that while I am there, I must agree to not drink alcohol. I think this is really unfair, inasmuch as I’d like to have a Scotch every day after class. Because it costs so much money to go to private theological seminary, I don’t earn enough to be able to buy my own Scotch. And so I would like to ask you, the American taxpayer, if you could find it in your collective heart to pay for some of that cost, AND to force my private theological seminary to also pay for it.

I am a really bright student, so I did the math on this Scotch business. If I purchased one bottle of Scotch each week, that would amount to almost $400 a month in alcohol expenditures. That’s $4800 a year—almost a whole summer salary for a poverty-stricken theologian-in training like me. Add to that the statistical probability that I might still not be quite worth $4800 a year once I graduate, and you can readily see the problem.

According to the statistics I am using, over 40% of seminary students are finding it problematic to pay for their own alcohol. Even though we signed an agreement voluntarily adhering to this policy, of course we feel that our lack of integrity should still be subsidized by the American taxpayer—and, most importantly, the seminary itself. Thanks to HHS Secretary Kathleen Sabellius—who coincidentally shares the same name as a 4^th century heretic—we now should be able to look forward to our federal government mandating that our seminary fund this alcohol provision as a means of upholding “men’s health.” Since having to pay for my own Scotch would have a deleterious impact on my health, you can see why this issue is so important to me.

I knew of one seminary student who wanted to violate his agreement and purchase some alcohol, but learned at the liquor store desk that the seminary insurance plan didn’t cover alcohol. He had to turn away from Habib, the manager, and slink away in shame. This shouldn’t happen in the 21^st century. This war on men’s health by our private theological seminary is shameful and should be changed by the force of law.

I hope that I am hailed as a civil rights hero by our Glorious Leader, President Barack Obama. Maybe he’ll call me to make sure I’m alright and my feelings aren’t too hurt by all the negative press I’ve been getting about my unique health needs. After all, it was really hurtful for that radio talk host to make fun of me and call me a drunk. This is about rights. Not the rights of my seminary, mind you (they’re Christian, so they don’t really have rights)—but the rights of me. Also myself and I.

I have the right to drink large quantities of Scotch after class. I have the right to have you pay for it. I have the right for the government to make the seminary pay for it. Ya’ll help a brother out here. 

President Obama Apologizes To British For American Revolution

President Obama, flush with encouragement from the Salon.com editorial board, ordered Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to formally apologize to England for the American Revolution in 1776.

“It is time we as a nation move past our petty nativism and finally apologize once and for all to the innocent British redcoats, particularly King George III,” he explained. “The notion of American exceptionalism is profoundly offensive to the rest of the world, and I want to sincerely apologize for it.”

No response was forthcoming from Britain, other than the sound of confused stammering from the House of Commons.  The President hopes to stage a ceremonial burning of the Declaration of Independence on the Mall in Washington, D.C., as a token of goodwill to our neighbor across the pond. It is believed that it would also make a nice gesture to Islamofascists who like burning things.

“I can’t apologize enough for the accidental burning of the you-know-what a few weeks ago,” whispered the President in a hushed, reverent tone. “It’s difficult to imagine that that happened. I completely understand your response of 6 dead Americans; it makes perfect sense to me. And I’m also sorry that I let 42 consecutive minutes pass without an apology about my first seven apologies.”  Bowing repeatedly, the President backed away from the podium and retreated back into the West Wing, where it is reported that he is working on an apology for the invention of plastic, as well.

It is not immediately known what effect the apology will have on frosty American-English relations. The British are angry that American feminists with severe haircuts and sensible shoes issued such an organized backlash against a British-based airlines that dared to hire attractive women to work as stewardesses. The Americans are angry at the British for honestly believing that the Beatles should be mentioned in the same breath with Jimi Hendrix. President Obama famously sent back a bust of Winston Churchill that had resided in the White House for a long period of time, ostensibly because Churchill is the one who said, “anyone under the age of 30 who’s not a liberal has no heart; and anyone over the age of 30 who’s not a conservative has no brain.” It is well-known that President Obama is over 30.

The descendants of some American patriots are outraged over the apology, but the President has instructed his Attorney General Eric “I Haven’t Been Convicted Of A Felony Yet” Holder to file a suit against them ordering them to stop using the word “patriot.” “That’s a hurtful word, and only serves to exacerbate the tensions in the world today. We are all citizens of the world,” the President’s teleprompter read. The Department of Education is working diligently to expunge any record of American victory at Yorktown or anyplace else. “We’re sorry for having those in our books in the first place,” the President said with lowered head.

No apology was issued to the 43 million babies murdered since 1973, the families of U.S. soldiers murdered by Afghan militants, or the families of 9/11 victims. But sources close to the President report that he is also working on an apology to the microbes found in the polar ice caps of Mars, since an American probe is known to have crash-landed there.