4:30 PM: Chairman of the Whiny Christian Wing calls meeting
to order.
4:31-4:40: Betty “Friedan” Murchison begins an excursus on
why the title should be changed from the patriarchal “chairman” to the
politically correct “chairperson,” but is mercifully interrupted by Bronc
Misterfson, who offers a resolution that the title of “chairman” be changed
forthwith to “chairperson.”
4:41: Another member, this one wearing a Social Justice Fist
shirt, argues that “chairperson” is an offense to the possibility that his cat
Mao is being deliberately marginalized from the proceedings. He identifies
himself as Jim. The Chairperson interrupts Social Justice Jim on a point of
order, explaining the need for exclusively human involvement in the Whiny
Christian Wing. Social Justice Jim sulks angrily, tweeting his revulsion under
the hashtag #oppression.
4:42: the Chairperson asks the group how the Whiny Christian Wing will fund a budget. Ms. Murchison counters that "the 1% fat-cat rich will pay for it!" Everyone seconds the motion.
4:45: Vice-Chair Ruby Rakelforth brings to the floor a
resolution denouncing the Evil Governor Abbott regarding his letter to The Dear
Leader about refusing to allow jihadist refugees into Texas borders. The
Chairperson opens the floor for debate on the resolution.
4:46: Two members passionately agree with the Resolution to
Condemn The Evil Governor Abbott, saying, respectively, “This is certainly not
a Christian response!” and “we are seeing once again the triumph of fear over
compassion!”
4:47-4:54: a general time of discombubulatory harrumphing
seconds these opinions. One after another, each member decries the action as
un-Christian and antithetical to Christianity in general. One member even goes
so far as to refer to the largely male group of Islamics, ages 18-45, as “Middle
Eastern refugees who are being turned away by the heartless.”
4:55: one member, Blake Locke, timidly raises a hand and asks
permission to speak. The other members, sweat glistening from angry brows,
yield the floor. He reminds the other members that a Christian’s duty is to lay
down HIS OWN life for the compassion of the gospel—not other people’s. “To willingly
lay down someone else’s life for your own principles is tyranny,” he explains.
4:56: several mouths are agape in the room, but the pause is
only momentary, and Blake Locke continues:
Blake: “We’re not a theocracy. We’re
pluralistic.”
Ruby Rakelforth: “So? What
difference does that make?” (several other members fist-bump Ruby for quoting
the next Dear Leader, Hillary Clinton.)
Blake: “According to the rule of
law, the first and only task of government is the security of its citizens.
When a governor looks out for the safety of both his Christian and his
non-Christian citizens, he’s doing his job.”
Ruby (brow furrowing as she
attempts to process this contrary thought): “But…refugees….suffering…..compassion….”
Blake: “Maybe the issue here isn’t
the false dichotomy of fear and compassion….maybe it’s the very real one of security
and suicide.”
Social Justice Jim: “You can’t see
the truth of what we’re talking about here because of your white privilege!
Confess it now!” (Social Justice Jim shouting now) “Confess and repent, and be
healed of that privilege! Although you can never be healed of it, and because
of that fact, no opinion of yours can ever be considered valid!”
5:05: the room erupts in loud disarray. Social Justice Jim
calls for a Sociology or Communications or Anthropology professor to come
physically remove Blake Locke, but apparently they are all at another organized
tantrum elsewhere.
5:06: Chairperson attempts to gavel the meeting back into
order with his shoe, but it is a Tom’s and makes little noise on the table. He
reaches for his locally-sourced pencil made exclusively from hemp fibers and
the deep, deep love of endangered rhinos and taps the table in front of him. “Order!
Order in here!” The room gradually becomes quiet when it sees the violence
being done to rhino love.
5:07: Blake Locke attempts to close his argument, but is
shouted down by a Gender Studies major whose gender has been carefully
disguised so as to draw the maximum amount of attention to it.
5:08: Chairperson recognizes Blake Locke for the express
purposes of finalizing his argument before a vote.
Blake: “I
think we’re sort of representative of the problem….we are sitting in this
comfortable room, wringing our hands existentially about a crisis that is real
everywhere else except here—and simultaneously wishing it upon
ourselves. We lack clarity about the problem, and what’s worse—we consider our
lack of clarity and abundance of hand-wringing to be virtues in and of
themselves.”
5:09 PM: the Chairperson, bristling with righteous rage,
picks up his cell phone and calls the Anthropology department of the local
university. He asks for anyone—even an undergraduate—to come forcibly remove “this
Republican” (spoken with dripping contempt) from the meeting.
Chairperson: “I move that we
permanently expel Blake Locke from the Whiny Christian Wing. Do I hear a
second?” (thunderous applause from the room; Social Justice Jim tweets
approvingly.
5:10: Two undergraduate Anthropology majors march stridently
through the Student Center, past astrophysics majors who are actually busy
studying, and enter the meeting of the Whiny Christian Wing with appropriate
bellicosity. They manhandle Blake Locke out of the room. With love.
5:11: the Chairperson rhino-loves the meeting back into
order, asking the Secretary to take a letter addressed to “The Repugnantly Evil
and Morally Abhorrent Governor Abbott.”
5:20: the letter finished, Vice-President Ruby Rakleforth
suggests that they order lunch from the fair-trade vegan place next door. For
the next hour and a half, they wait for the sheafs of notebook-paper-like
substance to be delivered by hourly employees with lip piercings, ironic
t-shirts and zero map-reading skills.
5:46: the Secretary is ordered (but in a very nice,
non-confrontational, sensitive, non-patriarchal, multicultural, gluten-free
manner) to record that the Whiny Christian Wing reflected the values of Christ
in some manner.
5:47: The Secretary agrees that the best way to record that
is to close the meeting in prayer to some deity. The Chairperson offers a
prayer to the Goddess, so as not to offend any non-Christians in the Whiny
Christian Wing.
5:48: the Chairperson calls the meeting adjourned. Social
Justice Jim angrily tweets that he is now late for the official watching of the
Rachel Maddow Show in the Student Center. His tweet is favorited by everyone in
the room, who have been adjourned but are too busy with their phones to get up
and leave.
