TOP TEN REASONS WHY AN O.U. GRADUATE SHOULD ACHIEVE WORLD DOMINATION

10. Classes in Goat Herding, Hog Slopping, Cow Tipping and Line Dancing will come in handy when dealing with Al-Qaeda.

9. Constant blaring of Tim McGraw’s “Truck Yeah” would bring enemy to their knees in desperate surrender.

8. “Dueling Banjos” from Deliverance would be new national anthem

7. Governor’s promise of “two squirrels in every skillet” would ensure economic prosperity

6. An OU grad can fashion a spit cup out of a beer can in seconds while watching NASCAR.

5. New administration cabinet Position: Department of Trailer Park Development.

4. Inability to spell “Sooner” is irrelevant to world domination—oops, that’s for “Why Texas A & M Grad Should Achieve World Domination.”

3. The horrific sight of a butter-eating, liquor-swilling female OU grad would frighten the enemy into submission.

2. That Idiotic Bob Stoops Hat. Enough said.

1. Annual embarrassment at being from Oklahoma would keep nation humble.

Student-Run Tolkien Fan Group Holds Meeting On Campus Near The Gnarled Oak of Wonderment and Community

The 6^th Quadrangle Community Gathering of the Tolkien Fan Club at Dallas Seminary met last Thursday near The Gnarled Oak of Wonderment and Community on campus. Secretary Warzarn the Hobbit took the minutes.

The meeting was called to order by Pantafar, Wizard of The Good. He reminded all members that they are to refer to one another at the meeting using only their code names, not their given names. A discussion quickly arose among several members who all claimed to bear the rightful name of Gandalf, and Pantafar was unsuccessful in stopping that discourse before it erupted into an argument.

“I should be the rightful Gandalf, because I am older and wiser than the rest of you,” said ______ Smitherington.

“But I came back from a C average last semester, so that’s analogous to rising from the dead like Gandalf,” replied ________  Covingslap.

The disagreement quickly disintegrated into fisticuffs, with Gandalf Smitherington prissily waving his manicured fist in the general direction of Gandalf Covingslap’s perfectly goateed face. After several Middle Earth insults were tossed back and forth, Pantafar retook control of the meeting and declared both Gandalfs to be Bagginses.

The next item on the agenda was the LOTR Viewing Party that is currently scheduled for The Third Day at Saruman’s dorm room. Some question existed about whether or not all three films would be shown, but the group was alarmed to learn that Saruman had left “The Return of the King” in his mom’s basement. Fortunately, Samwise Gamgee Johnson raised one bony finger to the heavens and exclaimed lispily that he had a dvd copy in his cloth knapsack (made from recyclable fibers). The group held its breath with anticipation as he sashayed over to where he had carefully laid his knapsack. His Toms shoes made only ecologically responsible noise as they swished to the rhythm of his delicate gait. Reaching into his knapsack, Johnson retrieved his own copy of “The Return of the King,” and the group sighed with relief.

The next item on the agenda was a scheduled debate between Gamling  Habernathy and Theoden Gleem regarding the true nature of Old Man Willow. Gamling claimed that Old Man Willow was a tree that made a brief appearance in the first novel, but Theoden argued vociferously that Old Man Willow had actually been born long ago, before the Dawn of Time, before the Awakening of the Elves--thereby rendering it transcendental and outside the lines of narrative truth. Some follow-up rebuttals were exchanged, mostly dealing with Gamling’s lack of precision in understanding the Middle Earth narrative, and Theoden’s preoccupation with producing a special chart he had made to prove the actual time line of Old Man Willow.

Two more votes were taken: one established The Lord Of The Rings as the Most Awesome Book Ever Written Since, Like, Ever. It was a unanimous vote, taken by a group comprised of 22-year-olds who had never read anything not specifically assigned to them (including The Lord Of The Rings). The other vote was for who would serve as the new chair of the 6^th Quadrangle Community Gathering of the Tolkien Fan Club at Dallas Seminary. Chairman Pantafar the Wizard of Good announced that he will be stepping down to concentrate on writing his Master’s Thesis, which will postulate that the Bible is an allegorical rendering of the true canon of The Lord Of The Rings.

The Witch-King of Angmar mostly pouted in the corner of the room and refused to participate in the proceedings once it had been established that Galadriel the Royal Elf had opened his Tupperware and eaten his arugula salad with the low-fat dressing. He remained silent for most of the meeting, pensively stroking his chin-curtain quasi-beard and biting his nails. Chairman Pantafar promised the Witch-King that he would be the Bearer of the Ring at the next meeting, and would receive a free latte gift card to Starbucks as a result.This seemed to cheer up the Witch-King of Angmar somewhat, and he chewed more joyously on some bean sprouts from The Community Plate of Nourishment.

The final item on the agenda was the LOTR Festival, to be held at Radagast The Brown’s duplex in the Village near uptown Dallas. A vote was taken, and it was decided by the group that all would be responsible for bringing refreshments and handing out fliers. A complaint was lodged by Forlong the Fat about the amount of reading he had to do for his historical theology class. The rest of the group clanged their thumb-cymbals in unison and solidarity with Forlong the Fat, and the meeting was adjourned. Within minutes, the collection of bicycles and Vespas that were parked near The Gnarled Oak of Wonderment and Community had disappeared, and the collective IQ of the campus was raised slightly.

An Open Letter To My Homosexual Friends and Family

I wish to set the record straight on a couple of things regarding Christianity and the furor raging over homosexual marriage. I do this in hopes that we can have future discourse, and that it not be poisoned by straw man arguments or name-calling. Understand that this is written in a spirit of genuine sincerity, by a man who does not wish to be at war with his fellow Americans for any reason.

I am a Christian. This most likely does not mean what you think it means; in fact, allow me to share all the things it does NOT mean—for these myths are merely designed to shut down discourse, not foster it. I was not born a Christian. I willingly chose this path in my life, and was fortunate enough to be born into a country where I have that freedom. Throughout most of recorded history, in other places, making this choice has cost people their lives.

Being a Christian does NOT mean that I hate you. I do not hate you. In fact, I love you. After all, it was because someone else loved me that I learned to trust Christ—and I would be the ultimate ingrate to Him if I responded to that love by not also giving it to you. Being a Christian does NOT mean that I’m perfect, or even consider myself perfect. Being a Christian does NOT mean that I am intolerant or hateful or bigoted or narrow-minded. On the contrary….being a Christian requires me to share my faith, which cannot be done in a vacuum. If I’m to obey that missive, I have to know you and love you and listen to you. I actually have to be tolerant of you to have discourse with you.

Being a Christian simply means that I have come to terms with my own essential worthlessness. I recognize that I am totally depraved. I was born that way; it wasn’t a choice I made. It’s one of the ramifications of the broken world in which we live, and I am humble enough to admit that there is no good in me apart from Him. Being a Christian also means that I accept that the Bible is the Word of God. You may find this ridiculous, but I did not make that choice to win your approval—or anyone else’s. In fact, I was openly hostile to this belief before I came around, and I totally understand that this view is openly reviled in our culture today. I hold it anyhow. Such a belief is no less indefensible than any of the other things we humans put our faith in on a daily basis.

Yes, the Bible does teach that homosexuality is a sin. But in one such passage (Romans 1.24-32), the apostle Paul makes the argument that we are all born into depravity. That infamous list of sins he catalogues also contains “refusal to acknowledge God,” “greed,” “envy,” “strife,” “deceit,” “gossips,” “slanderers,” “haters of God,” “insolent,” “arrogant,” “boastful,” “disobedient to parents,” “unloving,” and “unmerciful.” So, in the eyes of God, being disobedient to one’s parents is in the same category as homosexuality. If I am to point a finger of harshness at the homosexual, I will have to point one at myself, too. Full disclosure: I have been guilty of every single one these things EXCEPT homosexuality. What is the significance of this? It means that I’m no better than you, and you’re no better than I. It means I’m no worse than you, and you’re no worse than I. The Christian, by definition, simply believes that we are all born into sin—and that we are constitutionally incapable of rectifying that. I can’t be “good,” no matter how I try. Apart from God’s grace, I cannot help but continue to be guilty of the aforementioned sins. In fact, even with God’s grace, I frequently have a whale of a time wrestling with them anyhow.

If I try to follow someone else’s rules for being “good,” I will fail. If I trust myself to be “good,” I will fail. I can only find redemption by trusting Christ for my salvation—not my ability to be a good boy, or follow rules, or go to church, or win arguments. I am powerless to save myself; He alone can save me.

It’s very important to me that you understand this last part especially….because my belief in the total depravity of Man is an inherently cardinal doctrine of historic Christianity. It is not a personal judgment that I pass on you. It is not a form of hate. It is not bigotry. In fact, if you’ve ever said, “nobody’s perfect,” you’ve essentially landed on the same fundamental human truth. I believe this, and to the extent that I have any righteousness in me at all—well, it ain’t because of anything I do (or don’t do). Anything good about me at all is a gift from Him.

This is a humbling fact, and one of its ramifications is that I am not at liberty to see anyone else’s sin as being greater or lesser than mine. It means that I am not free to place myself on a level above anyone else. It means that, as long as I’ve been given breath in this life, I should live out my faith sincerely and in love toward others. This doesn’t mean, however, that I must always acquiesce to others’ point of view.

I mentioned earlier that I live in a free country. This individual freedom has its genesis in a group of Puritan Christians who had wandered from England to Holland and finally to these shores, hoping to set up a society in which they were free from persecution for their beliefs. By the time the nation was born more than a century later, the Founding Fathers weren’t explicitly Christian—in fact, they deliberately set up a pluralistic society, in which all are free to worship and believe as they see fit. I personally like this set-up. If we lived in a deliberately “Christian” country, my guess is that it wouldn’t take long to degenerate into sectarian violence and oppression…because, again, that’s just what is inherently in us. But to be free to be Christian or atheist, Buddhist or Hindu, Catholic or Protestant, heretic or unbeliever….this is the essence of individual liberties. I support this—wholeheartedly, because I believe that a free country is the safest place to live out my beliefs.

Because of my beliefs as a Christian, I disagree with many of you on the subject of homosexual marriage. This doesn’t mean that this is the default position of Christians, however: there are Christians who disagree with me on this issue, as well. It is important for you to remember that much of my disagreement comes from my political understanding of the definition of “rights” and freedoms, much more so than it does my faith. But my faith DOES inform my beliefs, and that shouldn't be a bad thing. Many of you no doubt think it’s completely preposterous that a college-educated man could possibly believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that the Bible is His Word. I respect that view, as well. Believe me….walking through this life by faith seems ridiculous to even the most ardent Christians, many times. I’m no angel, and never have been. I don’t hold myself out to be a great example of some sort of model “man of God.” But I believe what I believe, as I’m sure you do, as well.

You are free to think of me as misguided and misled. I am free to think of you the same way. You are free to believe that “sin” isn’t how I have described it here. You are free to reject Scripture. You are free to reject my argument entirely. This doesn’t mean that we hate each other. My disagreement with many of you on this issue is on the basis of principles which I hold very dear. Your support on the other side of this issue is, I assume, also based on principles which you hold dear.  As long as we both realize that there are good people on both sides of this issue, we can keep from descending into the abyss of real bigotry and intolerance by assuming that The Other Guy is motivated by hate. Disagreement on a political issue is not the same thing as hate. Please….let’s both agree to this.

I will, of course, exercise my freedom of speech to advance the cause that I care about. Just as you no doubt find fault with my premise, I will find fault with yours. But this isn’t “hate” so much as it is simple civil discourse. I don’t want to see one homosexual beaten or cut off or harmed in any way. I don’t want to see any business interests by homosexuals shouted out of the public sphere. I don’t want to see building permits denied to homosexuals. I want supporters of homosexual marriage to be free to donate their money to GLAAD without fear of public mugging on Facebook. If you can admit that you feel the same about my side of the equation, then I believe that we have set the parameters for the sort of healthy cultural debate that could only happen in our great nation.

Because I love and value you, I look forward to having it.

It's Hard Out Here For An Amateur Theologian

Dear Taxpayers:

I am writing in hopes of gaining your support on an important issue that is close to my heart. I am a poor seminary student, and as such am attending a private theological graduate school. One of the rules that they have at my school is that while I am there, I must agree to not drink alcohol. I think this is really unfair, inasmuch as I’d like to have a Scotch every day after class. Because it costs so much money to go to private theological seminary, I don’t earn enough to be able to buy my own Scotch. And so I would like to ask you, the American taxpayer, if you could find it in your collective heart to pay for some of that cost, AND to force my private theological seminary to also pay for it.

I am a really bright student, so I did the math on this Scotch business. If I purchased one bottle of Scotch each week, that would amount to almost $400 a month in alcohol expenditures. That’s $4800 a year—almost a whole summer salary for a poverty-stricken theologian-in training like me. Add to that the statistical probability that I might still not be quite worth $4800 a year once I graduate, and you can readily see the problem.

According to the statistics I am using, over 40% of seminary students are finding it problematic to pay for their own alcohol. Even though we signed an agreement voluntarily adhering to this policy, of course we feel that our lack of integrity should still be subsidized by the American taxpayer—and, most importantly, the seminary itself. Thanks to HHS Secretary Kathleen Sabellius—who coincidentally shares the same name as a 4^th century heretic—we now should be able to look forward to our federal government mandating that our seminary fund this alcohol provision as a means of upholding “men’s health.” Since having to pay for my own Scotch would have a deleterious impact on my health, you can see why this issue is so important to me.

I knew of one seminary student who wanted to violate his agreement and purchase some alcohol, but learned at the liquor store desk that the seminary insurance plan didn’t cover alcohol. He had to turn away from Habib, the manager, and slink away in shame. This shouldn’t happen in the 21^st century. This war on men’s health by our private theological seminary is shameful and should be changed by the force of law.

I hope that I am hailed as a civil rights hero by our Glorious Leader, President Barack Obama. Maybe he’ll call me to make sure I’m alright and my feelings aren’t too hurt by all the negative press I’ve been getting about my unique health needs. After all, it was really hurtful for that radio talk host to make fun of me and call me a drunk. This is about rights. Not the rights of my seminary, mind you (they’re Christian, so they don’t really have rights)—but the rights of me. Also myself and I.

I have the right to drink large quantities of Scotch after class. I have the right to have you pay for it. I have the right for the government to make the seminary pay for it. Ya’ll help a brother out here. 

President Obama Apologizes To British For American Revolution

President Obama, flush with encouragement from the Salon.com editorial board, ordered Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to formally apologize to England for the American Revolution in 1776.

“It is time we as a nation move past our petty nativism and finally apologize once and for all to the innocent British redcoats, particularly King George III,” he explained. “The notion of American exceptionalism is profoundly offensive to the rest of the world, and I want to sincerely apologize for it.”

No response was forthcoming from Britain, other than the sound of confused stammering from the House of Commons.  The President hopes to stage a ceremonial burning of the Declaration of Independence on the Mall in Washington, D.C., as a token of goodwill to our neighbor across the pond. It is believed that it would also make a nice gesture to Islamofascists who like burning things.

“I can’t apologize enough for the accidental burning of the you-know-what a few weeks ago,” whispered the President in a hushed, reverent tone. “It’s difficult to imagine that that happened. I completely understand your response of 6 dead Americans; it makes perfect sense to me. And I’m also sorry that I let 42 consecutive minutes pass without an apology about my first seven apologies.”  Bowing repeatedly, the President backed away from the podium and retreated back into the West Wing, where it is reported that he is working on an apology for the invention of plastic, as well.

It is not immediately known what effect the apology will have on frosty American-English relations. The British are angry that American feminists with severe haircuts and sensible shoes issued such an organized backlash against a British-based airlines that dared to hire attractive women to work as stewardesses. The Americans are angry at the British for honestly believing that the Beatles should be mentioned in the same breath with Jimi Hendrix. President Obama famously sent back a bust of Winston Churchill that had resided in the White House for a long period of time, ostensibly because Churchill is the one who said, “anyone under the age of 30 who’s not a liberal has no heart; and anyone over the age of 30 who’s not a conservative has no brain.” It is well-known that President Obama is over 30.

The descendants of some American patriots are outraged over the apology, but the President has instructed his Attorney General Eric “I Haven’t Been Convicted Of A Felony Yet” Holder to file a suit against them ordering them to stop using the word “patriot.” “That’s a hurtful word, and only serves to exacerbate the tensions in the world today. We are all citizens of the world,” the President’s teleprompter read. The Department of Education is working diligently to expunge any record of American victory at Yorktown or anyplace else. “We’re sorry for having those in our books in the first place,” the President said with lowered head.

No apology was issued to the 43 million babies murdered since 1973, the families of U.S. soldiers murdered by Afghan militants, or the families of 9/11 victims. But sources close to the President report that he is also working on an apology to the microbes found in the polar ice caps of Mars, since an American probe is known to have crash-landed there.