Local Christian college student John Slapihedren reports a deep satisfaction
in making Lord of the Rings references in conversations on varying topics. Having
never read any other literature, the Tolkien theme took root in his high school
years and continues now that he is in college.
Carefully shielded from Chaucer, Shakespeare, Ovid, Dante,
Virgil, Milton or Dickens, Mr. Slapihedren gleefully drops mentions of Gandalf,
Aragorn, or Gollum in every conversation he has, hoping to make others believe that
he is a well-read person. Sporting a t-shirt featuring Ian McKellen’s Gandalf
from the film, Slapihedren explains, “It’s such a great story of Christian experience,
and I’m so thankful that my youth pastor introduced us to it all those years
ago.” He gestured toward a faux medieval sword hanging on his wall, saying, “the
collection of accoutrements from LOTR movies and book conferences is part of
true Christian authenticity. People know I’m for real because I’ve read, like,
some fiction.” He proudly displayed a set of autographs from Orlando Bloom,
Elijah Wood, Sean Astin and John Rhys-Davies. “I got the Rhys-Davies at a Wizard
Is Never Late Conference. He was in full costume and everything…and of course,
so was I!”
A half-finished game of Dungeons and Dragons sat on the
coffee table, and the lava lamp nearby shone a smattering of light on a
dog-eared copy of Donita Paul’s Dragonspell. A dirty bowl of half-eaten
Ramen adorned the corner of the coffee table, and the strains of David Crowder
wafted through the incense-laden atmosphere as Slapihedren further explained
his obsession.
“I was reading a lot of Harry Potter, originally, and then I
just sort of grew up. The next natural phase of my maturation was to discover
Tolkien. Now I’m totally there already! I’m even going to take up smoking a
pipe as soon I can come up with rent. We authentic believers have to keep it
edgy every chance we get.”
When asked if he had read Faulkner, Emerson or Whitman, Mr.
Slapihedren seemed puzzled and replied, “Are they part of the Kane Chronicles
series? Are there wizards, dragons, maidens or magic involved?” He agreed to check
with his old youth pastor to see if any of those authors were on the approved Bible
College reading list.
Slapihedren briefly excused himself during the interview to
change clothes, and upon his return he was wearing an authentic medieval
outfit, replete with ruffled shirt, drawstring breeches, cloth boots and a
large-buckled belt. “We’re headed to Scarborough Faire, and you’re welcome to
come. This is the best place to meet girls!” When asked how his authentic LOTR
references helped him in the “girl department,” he explained, “Obviously, I’m
not talking about normal college girls. They are impure, of course. I mean
Renaissance festival chicks. You have to know….girls respect a man who has read
literature and can be comfortable in a period costume. Especially if there is a
sword involved.” When pressed further, his eyes narrowed and he hissed in his
best Alan Rickman voice, “A young man’s way is kept pure by the way of Frodo.”
Though it was certain that no girl-related impurity would
besmirch Slapihedren any time soon, he still left for Scarborough Faire, determined
to succeed in his quest. As he exited his front screen door, a single gold ring
hung around his neck. He strapped on his safety helmet, mounted his Vespa, and
sped softly away, the ring dangling innocently against his carefully shaved chest.
