Jackwagon Headgear

Hats.

You’ve probably noticed, if you have a keen eye for this sort of thing, that everybody is wearing a hat now. Not just any hats…there is a proliferation of oddities that pass for hats. The omnipresence of Jackwagon Headgear gives cause to catalogue this list of cultural inanities for the uncool among us. I shall attempt the first such study, but I am certain that this list is neither exhaustive nor even much more than a surface-scratching endeavor. I am always, however, happy to add to it in the likely event that more new examples of Jackwagon Headgear come into my line of sight.

1.      The Fake Gangsta

 

The Fake Gangsta. This lid is popular with certain of the young set, especially those most likely to have emo music on their iPods. Designed to give them an air of pseudo-ethnic hipness, when worn with clothes from the Gap it completes an ensemble of jackassery that is the mating call of the suburban fake misfit. Although it appears, at first glance, to have been modeled on the famous hat of the imminently reasonable Tom Landry (*moment of silent meditation*), one can easily note the distinctions: the turned-up brim, the appearance on a Wal Mart shelf, etc. This hat is especially hysterical when ordered in conjunction with a tuxedo for the senior prom. The resulting pictures are usually taken in gauzy, out-of-focus poses with Old English Gothic scriptwriting scrawled across the bottom. 

2.      The Che

The Che. This hat is particularly popular on college campuses, and other places where hip young folks gather who aren’t afraid to experiment with a little wealth redistribution. The veterans among us might well note the similarity between this hat and the military-issue BDU hat in cut and style. The Che has the advantage of NOT looking like a regular ball cap, which would be very testosterone-driven. Nor does it have the familiar camouflage print of the BDU, which would be too right-wing. The most stylish of these hats will typically have the Apple logo on the front, but just having The Che on one’s head automatically qualifies one for a community latte and a couple of free downloads. It sets you apart as a true iconoclast, making your statement of originality for the rest of the campus to see. 

3.      The Martina.

The Martina. First popularized in the 1970’s by several uni-browed, very masculine athletes including Martina Navratilova, this hat stayed underground for over two and half decades. Only female golfers and softball players donned The Martina for years, and the appearance of this controversial lid on the head of a man would typically have meant a severe beating (unless that man is Rachel Maddow). But the post-Political Correctness movement has yielded several Male figures of questionable orientation, and the hat has made a comeback among this crowd. Occasionally, a male wearer of this hat will attempt to defend himself by pointing out that O.U. Coach Bob Stoops wears this style. This, of course, does not help his case. 

4.      The Douchenstein.

The Douchenstein. This is the hat du jour of the urbane hipster. It made its original debut in conjunction with a strictly organized outfit that included pants that sag off the buttocks (revealing terrible taste in boxer shorts), heavy gold chains, and untied basketball shoes. The wearer would typically be seen flashing fake gang signs and walking as if he had a permanent case of diaper rash. However, in recent years, as suburban white kids strive to develop “street cred” with fellow suburban white kids who have no “street cred”, this hat has begun to show up on the whitest of heads. Even those who are not carrying Glocks, but want you to think so, are wearing this hat. The strangest trend among this crowd is the genuine surprise at being lumped in with real-life douche bags after spending hundreds of dollars to look like them. It is as though the rest of society was expected to suddenly decide that this hat DIDN’T look objectively retarded, just because 2.4 million white kids started wearing it. The Douchenstein isn’t going away any time soon, either. Baseball teams are ordering them for their players—clearly a sign of the Idiocracy that must necessarily precede the Apocalypse. 

5.      Ye Old Chap.

Ye Old Chap. This appears to be an honest effort to bring something back from the dead that once was alive—not unlike the early 1990’s trend of Baby Boomers wearing fedoras in order to look like their fathers. One has a smidgeon of pity for people who have a genuine sense of nostalgia. But pity is not enough to bring this monstrosity back from the ash heap of history. Whenever one sees pictures of late-19^th-century mobster children, they are always wearing this hat. We also know that there was a great deal of violence among these children—most likely stemming from the wearing of this hat. English bicycle riders are seen in early 20^th-century pictures wearing Ye Old Chap, and it is worth noting that these pansies ultimately had to have the good old U.S.A. bail them out of two world wars—two world wars that most likely began because of this hat. If Freddie Mercury himself had modeled this lid for Out! Magazine, it wouldn’t have added to the overall gayness of it. It is certain that the old chap wearing Ye Old Chap is probably wearing some leather chaps. 

6.      The Pork Pie.

The Pork Pie. No other hat says, “I have never had an original thought of my own” more efficiently than this one. If you have what you consider a rich combination of Dave Matthews, They Might Be Giants, Tripping Daisy, Phish, and several local bands’ tunes on your iPod, then this may be the hat for you. Don’t expect, however, to leave that Austin Vegan Co-op and travel north to Dallas, where men live, if you are wearing that hat. You are not Tony Soprano, regardless of what you think. You look more like Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill.

  The Reasonable Ball Cap

7.    

The Reasonable Ball Cap. In contrast to the Douchenstein, this is what a ball cap should look like. Note that the bill has an appropriate amount of curve to it, denoting the lack of douchery that has long marked this perennial favorite of reasonable men everywhere. When, in the course of time and wear, the bill appears to start flattening out, the wearer of this cap has only to roll the corners of the bill together to recreate the Cooter Curl (named for the Dukes of Hazzard character who wore this style) that is required on standard headgear.

There will, no doubt, be many more examples of Jackwagon Headgear to come. Feel free to take a snapshot of any of them you might run across in your journeys, and send them to me. I’d love to add to the list.

WHEELS-OFF NEWS REPORT: Rob Bell Arrested By Environmental Police; Apple Stock Falls

Grand Rapids – (AP) – from wire reports

Environmental authorities have arrested Rob Bell in Grand Rapids, Michigan, following a lengthy investigation. Police spokesman Burt Slaphap gave a statement to the media that outlined details of the arrest of the famous pastor, and it is clear that many infractions were documented. 

“Pastor Bell was spotted by an anonymous witness driving a car with more than two working cylinders, and that car was not a Prius,” said Slaphap. Other charges included: throwing a metal can in the wrong waste container (Penal Code 23.5b), exhaling (Penal Code 241.5a), and wearing tacky t-shirts not made from hemp (Penal Code 4.6G). The press conference included video footage of Bell sashaying through a gauntlet of reporters in the classic “perp walk,” his delicate hands clamped together with burgundy Louis Vitton velvet handcuffs. When asked if he wanted to make a statement to the media, Bell offered: “When my defense attorney Gloria Steinem gives me the green light (and shouldn’t ALL lights be green?), I believe the record will show that I was not actually driving a real car. I was trying to sabotage it so it wouldn’t start.” 

No immediate response was available from the Earth. At the time of his arrest, witnesses reported that the moon turned blood-red, the sun was darkened, and several earthquakes were reported.  Business sources noted that the stock price of Apple Computers fell thirteen points, prompting many trendy young evangelicals to believe that the Apocalypse had begun.

Bell seemed composed despite the embarrassing arrest, his trademark glasses perched atop the bridge of his nose, his typically earnest expression undaunted by the presence of green-clad, grim-faced officers. He was led away in a matching boxer-t-shirt combo, with the words “Luscious” printed across bottom of his boxers. The only deviation from his normal appearance was his haircut, which has changed somewhat drastically since the early 2000’s, when he first burst prissily onto the edgy church culture scene. Bell acolyte Lolly Henrengen offered a simple explanation: “he has undergone several changes to reflect his evolving status through the years. He began with the trendy ‘mussed up’ look, but after gaining a commanding following from twenty-something evangelicals determined to be edgy without actually having to engage in any sort of societal rebellion, his haircut was trimmed back to a more severe flat-bang approach, eerily reminiscent of Moe from the Three Stooges. Now, after all the recent attention from his book, he has decided to go with the completely shorn Moby look.” Ms. Henrengen seemed chagrined when at least one reporter disagreed with her assessment of the new cut: “Pastor Bell’s new cut actually has a hint of rugged masculinity to it—I’d say it’s more Sinead O’Connor than Moby, to be sure.” 

“I can assure all of you,” Ms. Henrengen said icily, “that there is not a hint of masculinity in that haircut.”

As Bell was loaded onto the back of a squad bicycle, a Green Weenie helmet was strapped to his bald head and adjusted to fit snugly under his chin. Green Squad officers had to remove the Bluetooth earpiece from Bell’s ear, but the helmet otherwise went on smoothly. As the driving officer on the bicycle seat in front of Bell rang his handlebar bell, the arrested pastor placed both arms around the man’s waist and laid his helmeted head gently against his back. The bicycle pulled into the sidewalk and began its journey toward the Green Station. 

Ms. Henrengen and several of his loyal followers began gathering up Bell’s personal belongings that had been left behind: a Kindle, an iPad, and several Indigo Girls cd’s. Though reporters attempted to question the followers, all of them had earbuds in and refused to answer. Only Ms. Henrengen offered a statement: “Pastor Bell will be bailed out immediately. His followers have lots of disposable income, a lot of guilt for having that income, and a desire to see social justice done—which, in this case, means freeing Pastor Bell. I can assure you that, when all the facts come out, you’ll all see that Pastor Bell would really never do anything to hurt Mother Earth. In fact, this was probably all a set-up from one of those mean-head orthodox Christians. They’re always trying to hurt our feelings here at Mars Hill Church.”

Arraignment for Mr. Bell will be tomorrow morning at 7 A.M., prompting at least one Bell follower to suggest that perhaps fellow media noise-maker Harold Camping might be persuaded to move up the Rapture date to coincide with Bell’s release.

Musical Education #214

Ronnie Earle and the Broadcasters

Wheels-Off Poll for Week of 23 May 2011

Hilarious Facts About DTS #1: Hair.

Nothing says “Future Leader” quite like aping the exact look of someone you saw on American Idol, or a Rob Bell video. It is truly inspiring to see, on our fair campus, the trendy look of the culturally insecure reigning supreme in the minds of our young scholars.

The look begins with the haircut, of course. Any Millennial seminarian worth his iPod earbuds wouldn’t be caught dead with carefully parted and combed hair. That’s SO…like, early century. If some curious onlooker were to casually enter a restroom on the first, second, or third floor of Todd, he would instantly notice a row of young seminarians intently gazing into the mirrors, delicately adjusting their bulbous coifs. When the interminable process of preening is complete, the onlooker would notice that the student’s hair projects a sort of deliberately mussed-up effect, as though he had been riding in a convertible at high speeds, facing the rear of the vehicle. This is the not the look he is trying to fix, mind you….it’s the look he wants. It is as though he bounded out of his futon in the morning hours with his hair combed, and immediately began working to rectify the horrifying situation.  

It is not wise for you, the onlooker, to try to save the young seminarian from the embarrassment of appearing in public with this look.  Saying, for example: “Your head looks like a Q-tip that was left in water overnight” would not yield the results for which you might be hoping in your well-intentioned way. Generations of men with reasonable haircuts have come and gone for many thousands of years, but the Millennial Seminarian has committed himself to the Planetoid look, and is unconcerned with history. The fact that the rest of society considers that haircut to be objectively worthy of community ridicule is of little concern to the student. After all, old people are…like, old.

A separate study must be made of the hats occasionally perched atop these fair heads; perhaps next week’s installment can undertake this task. But we would be remiss if we exited the Hairdo study too early: a careful examination of the campus will reveal that there are three categories of hairdo among male members of the seminary:

1. The Q-Tip on the student who also has accessorized his clothing and entire appearance in order to affect  the “Oh, I Just Crawled Out Of Bed And Randomly Threw Together This Ensemble Of Tatters From Old Navy” look. This student is convinced that Millennial ladies prefer young men who spend a large amount of time trying to look as though they spend no time caring about their personal appearance. It is really a study in Orwellian irony.
2. The Q-Tip on the student who failed to visit Old Navy and only has regular clothes….this one now has the unenviable look of a student trying too hard to look “in.” He is generally greeted in the halls and on the campus, but no one is returning his texts or offering ironic comments on his Facebook posts. This is a social faux pas akin to buying the tailored suit without the matching hankie and $75 cufflinks.
3. The reasonable haircut. This typically appears on the heads of older students, professors, and younger non-conformists. It is the ultimate symbol of those who have left The Game, for whatever reason: marriage, children, career, or other semblances of maturity that typically require one to not look asinine. The wearers of this style might also be expected to not update their Facebook profile very frequently, or have any idea what Halo means.

If one’s hair is a badge of generational authenticity, then the Millennial Seminarian will in no way be mistaken for a person of more…um, experienced status. The older seminarian may be forgiven for immediately associating old Kelly LeBrock Pantene commercials with these youthful students of God’s Word (“don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”), but under no circumstances should that person EVER point out the objective truth shared by the rest of the earth’s inhabitants pertinent to the Q-Tip: that, for the first two years of its ubiquitous run of popularity, most people thought the hairdo was a special education helmet.  

That would be uncharitable.

"Gee, Officer Poncharelli, I didn't realize the speed limit was 8 mph for motorized farm implements."

So.

The City of Red Oak got itself A   motorcycle cop.

He is omnipresent, unsmiling, brutally efficient. And he seems pretty impressed with himself, judging by the no-nonsense expression on his face as he darts around in his knee-high Gestapo boots looking for traffic scofflaws. We pass one another a couple of times each day, eyeing each other like ancient nemeses. So far, I have been too wily for him, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I hereby promise all my FB friends that, once he finally does get me, I shall audibly hum the theme from CHiPs.

‘Twill be a moment for the ages.