The 6th Quadrangle Community Gathering of the
Tolkien Fan Club at Dallas Seminary met last Thursday near The Gnarled Oak of Wonderment and Community on campus. Secretary Warzarn the
Hobbit took the minutes.
The meeting was called to order by Pantafar, Wizard of The
Good. He reminded all members that they are to refer to one another at the
meeting using only their code names, not their given names. A discussion
quickly arose among several members who all claimed to bear the rightful name
of Gandalf, and Pantafar was unsuccessful in stopping that discourse before it
erupted into an argument.
“I should be the rightful Gandalf, because I am older and
wiser than the rest of you,” said ______ Smitherington.
“But I came back from a C average last semester, so that’s
analogous to rising from the dead like Gandalf,” replied ________ Covingslap.
The disagreement quickly disintegrated into fisticuffs, with
Gandalf Smitherington prissily waving his manicured fist in the general
direction of Gandalf Covingslap’s perfectly goateed face. After several Middle
Earth insults were tossed back and forth, Pantafar retook control of the meeting
and declared both Gandalfs to be Bagginses.
The next item on the agenda was the LOTR Viewing Party that
is currently scheduled for The Third Day at Saruman’s dorm room. Some question
existed about whether or not all three films would be shown, but the group was
alarmed to learn that Saruman had left “The Return of the King” in his mom’s
basement. Fortunately, Samwise Gamgee Johnson raised one bony finger to the
heavens and exclaimed lispily that he had a dvd copy in his cloth knapsack (made
from recyclable fibers). The group held its breath with anticipation as he
sashayed over to where he had carefully laid his knapsack. His Toms shoes made
only ecologically responsible noise as they swished to the rhythm of his
delicate gait. Reaching into his knapsack, Johnson retrieved his own copy of “The
Return of the King,” and the group sighed with relief.
The next item on the agenda was a scheduled debate between Gamling
Habernathy and Theoden Gleem regarding
the true nature of Old Man Willow. Gamling claimed that Old Man Willow was a
tree that made a brief appearance in the first novel, but Theoden argued
vociferously that Old Man Willow had actually been born long ago, before the Dawn
of Time, before the Awakening of the Elves--thereby rendering it transcendental and outside the lines of narrative truth. Some follow-up rebuttals were
exchanged, mostly dealing with Gamling’s lack of precision in understanding the
Middle Earth narrative, and Theoden’s preoccupation with producing a special
chart he had made to prove the actual time line of Old Man Willow.
Two more votes were taken: one established The Lord Of The
Rings as the Most Awesome Book Ever Written Since, Like, Ever. It was a
unanimous vote, taken by a group comprised of 22-year-olds who had never read
anything not specifically assigned to them (including The Lord Of The Rings). The
other vote was for who would serve as the new chair of the 6th
Quadrangle Community Gathering of the Tolkien Fan Club at Dallas Seminary.
Chairman Pantafar the Wizard of Good announced that he will be stepping down to
concentrate on writing his Master’s Thesis, which will postulate that the Bible
is an allegorical rendering of the true canon of The Lord Of The Rings.
The Witch-King of Angmar mostly pouted in the corner of the
room and refused to participate in the proceedings once it had been established
that Galadriel the Royal Elf had opened his Tupperware and eaten his arugula
salad with the low-fat dressing. He remained silent for most of the meeting,
pensively stroking his chin-curtain quasi-beard and biting his nails. Chairman
Pantafar promised the Witch-King that he would be the Bearer of the Ring at the
next meeting, and would receive a free latte gift card to Starbucks as a
result.This seemed to cheer up the Witch-King of Angmar somewhat, and he chewed more joyously on some bean sprouts from The Community Plate of Nourishment.
The final item on the agenda was the LOTR Festival, to be
held at Radagast The Brown’s duplex in the Village near uptown Dallas. A vote
was taken, and it was decided by the group that all would be responsible for
bringing refreshments and handing out fliers. A complaint was lodged by Forlong
the Fat about the amount of reading he had to do for his historical theology
class. The rest of the group clanged their thumb-cymbals in unison and solidarity
with Forlong the Fat, and the meeting was adjourned. Within minutes, the
collection of bicycles and Vespas that were parked near The Gnarled Oak of Wonderment and Community
had disappeared, and the collective IQ of the campus was raised slightly.
