Yes, folks, get ready again: I’m comin’ at you full force
with yet another opinion post on social media. And like all my opinions, this
one is valid because…..it comes from me! I scrolled carefully through my social
media feed, saw a news story that a friend posted, read it, immediately chose
sides based on that reading, and now have a fully formed opinion that all of
you have a right to read. I’m sorry I couldn’t put it on YouTube—that would have
reached a larger audience, since no one really reads any more—but I couldn’t
get YouTube to come out to the office.
Yes, I am about to post my opinion on social media regarding
a court case that does not actually involve me at all. In fact, this court case
isn’t really even in my town, or district. The jury verdict does not affect my
life; it only makes one tribe cheer and the other tribe mourn.
I know what you’re thinking, Olds….and you’re wrong, as
usual. Court cases USED to be decided by the rule of law, using jury trials
made up of localized peers, in a localized setting, so that justice would be
meted out legally and locally, which the Founders knew was the only
approximation of justice we could arrive at in this world. And I know how much
you Olds love the Founders. But times change, man. You’re living in the past, man.
You need to get with the program and realize that once a court case makes it to
my social media feed, MY sense of justice is aroused, and must be slaked like
the bloodthirst I have for anyone who disagrees with me. The long arm of my emotion-driven
legal opinion should stretch to all jurisdictions.
No, I didn’t go to law school. Why would I need to know
anything about the law to have a valid opinion on a court case? No, I haven’t
read the Constitution, which you Olds think is the law of the land. Who needs
that crap? I know what’s “fair” and “equal” and “just” in my mind, and now you all
are going to get a healthy dose of it. Besides, I watched enough SVU to get the
gist of things.
No, I am not interested in the facts of the case. That’s,
like, BORING. The possibility of conviction beyond a reasonable doubt? The possibility
of an acquittal because of reasonable doubt? None of that matters to me. I made
up my mind about this case a long time ago, and the facts of the case have
nothing to do with it. It’s all about the “underlying” issues that “feed into”
a certain “narrative.” When I use those words, of course I really mean that
underlying issues have become THE MAIN ISSUE for me. And that’s all that
matters, isn’t it? Look: I kinda-sorta perused a half-baked news op-ed piece
about an obscure court case that I know nothing about. Taking one underlying issue
and making it THE MAIN ISSUE is my right as a half-baked American. And what
matters to me, deep down, is my emotional response to all of it. My opinion
matters because it comes from me, not because it is rooted in anything as
Oldster as “fact,” “legality,” or “relevance.”
Besides, court cases aren’t where justice is served. That’s just
the boring game we watch on television—while the rest of us pretend to have our
own talk shows on social media, haranguing each other back and forth eternally
for wearing the other tribe’s jersey. THAT’S where the real justice happens.
Ginning up enough emotional hysteria on social media that people think of me as
a warrior for justice.
You Olds talk a lot about “due process,” and “constitutionality,”
and “presumption of innocence,” and “laws of discovery,” and “pre-trial
motions,” but none of that matters to us, the ones who really matter. Scalps must
be taken. Jobs must be removed. People must lose their occupations, their reputations,
their dignity as human beings—because they are wearing the wrong tribal jersey.
They’re on the wrong side of the jury verdict. Back in the day, every jury
verdict resulted in grim and mournful sorrow on both sides: it is a solemn
thing to witness actual justice in action. It was so grim, in fact, that we
couldn’t handle a steady stream of it—we had to care only about the stuff that
pertained to us locally. But now that we’ve taken over and redefined “justice”
as “revenge,” these jury verdicts are really a time for either celebration or
clinical depression—and that win-loss tribal cheering/jeering should spread to
all jurisdictions.
Yep, I’m getting ready to post my opinion on social media
about a court case that doesn’t really impact me at all. It’s not in my town, probably
not my state, certainly not in my legal district. I wasn’t selected as a juror,
I don’t know anything about the law, and most of my understanding about the
case I’ve gleaned through social media. What more do you need, Olds? Get ready
to endure my hot take on this court case. And get ready to get on board, or
else. There is no room in the Brave New World we’re building for disagreement,
nuance, or even “knowledge.” There is room for me and my opinion, which is
valid because it is mine.
Which makes your opinion invalid, because it’s not.
