Smart Christian Repents After Accidentally Having Patriotic Thought

The weekend wasn’t a cause for celebration for every American, it turns out. 

Layla Stenhoffensten, 41, a Very Smart Christian, had found herself on the receiving end of a deep spirit of conviction after she accidentally slipped into a patriotic line of thought Saturday evening while contemplating the upcoming Fourth of July weekend. 

The incident started with a History Channel documentary about the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Although the program contained the usual elements of revisionism guaranteed to keep the NPR-fawning audience righteously indignant at the gall of the Founders to create a free society, there was enough truth to the presentation to make Ms. Stenhoffensten feel a slight twinge of pride in her country. As she mulled the fact that no other nation in the history of civilization had ever enshrined individual liberties like the United States, she felt inexplicably choked up at the fantastically fortuitous accident that she’d been born within the boundaries of this random but particular sovereign nation. 

Ms. Stenhoffensten quickly recognized the hint of nativism in her emotions and immediately began to engage her rational thought process—reminding herself that the Founders were bad people, that America was a bad place that was the origin of a lot of bad stuff. She fell to her knees in repentance that she would ever truly appreciate being American, since all of the Smart Set knows better. She furrowed her brow in an attempt to purge the phrase “sovereign nation” from her consciousness.

On Sunday morning, she woke up to the sound of an electronic alarm clock that runs on electricity that is wired safely and directly into her domicile, which is sturdily built and withstands weather while providing a high level of privacy. She arose from the custom-made mattress on which she had slept—fitfully, as she had tormented herself for her jingoistic tendencies, however slight and fleeting—and walked into a room within that domicile that was dedicated entirely to flushing human waste away from the domicile. She turned on a fixture that sprayed clean, disease-free water from a spigot that was attached to an actual plumbing system that brought running water to her house and cleansed herself for the seventh time in a week. After getting dressed with garments that were manufactured and distributed inexpensively and allowed her an atmosphere of originality and style, she traipsed into another room in her domicile that contained a pot of coffee that had been pre-set to make the night before. Angry at herself for her momentary patriotism, she poured herself a cup and walked over to a bookshelf to look for her People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn. She hurriedly rifled through the pages to find made-up examples of American genocide and evil, and the old familiar feeling of smug self-righteousness began to creep slowly back into her. 

Feeling somewhat better about herself, she decided she could go to church—as long as no one there mentioned America or freedom or liberty or independence. She climbed into her vehicle—which was powered by an internal combustion engine and had been quite affordable—and drove safely and without incident down a meticulously engineered highway to a house of worship devoted entirely to her particular brand of Christianity. As she entered the church, she felt a sudden surge of embarrassment as she saw the American flag on display there. Scowling angrily, she wondered why anyone would dare to mention America in a house of worship. Certainly none of the Smart Set would ever draw any connection between timely patriotism and Christian citizenship, and she hoped she wasn’t the only Smart Person there. 

Bowing her head in prayer, Ms. Stenhoffensten prayed earnestly that the self-flagellation of the Smart Set would prevail in this service, and that no one would give thanks for the grace to live in a nation that that had enshrined individual liberty and created the safe and prosperous space in which she lived and worked. She prayed that no one would “pledge allegiance” to any country on earth. Fortunately, those in charge of the service worked diligently to remove any hint of gratitude or patriotism for the country that had made it possible to be so Smart. 

While at church, Ms. Stenhoffensten repented deeply and thoroughly for her temporal pride in her own nation. She concentrated heavily on the goal of perpetuating the myth that Christians only owe allegiance to some “higher government.” She scourged herself for the temporary lack of multicultural diversity that must have been present for her to view the United States as exceptional—even for a second. She mopped great sweat drops of blood from her forehead as she cried tears of repentance for her momentary patriotism. As she stood up from her prayer, she reminded herself that Christians don’t owe any loyalty to anyone at all in the universe except Christ. All the Smart Set said so.  

Justin Martyr, who in the 2^nd century had actually argued that Christians are obliged to be good and patriotic citizens while on the earth, could not be reached for comment. 

After Ms. Stenhoffensten had repented of her momentary lapse into patriotism, she made a date with one of her friends from church to go to an affordable coffee shop where she could drink more coffee and commiserate about the wickedness of being American. Since both women were from the Smart Set, it never dawned on either of them how impossible their activities of the day would be under the aegis of any other flag.  

As she shared her horrifying brush with Americanism the previous evening, Ms. Stenhoffensten kept her voice in a hushed whisper so as not to be heard by the clearly backwards-looking person wearing the American flag shirt near her. She was thankful for friends who were also in the Smart Set, and thankful for good coffee that was locally sourced, gluten-free, and made from coffee beans that had been exclusively grown with multicultural love in soil that had been imported from Communist Cuba and tilled by overpriced union labor. 

As the two Very Smart Christians looked across the café at the Less Smart Christians who loved their country, they were both bathed in an other-worldly glow of smugness. As their faces lit with the Shekinah glory of Smartness, the other patrons of the coffee shop fell to their knees in stupefied horror. The divinely-illuminated faces peered austerely at the Bubbas and Barbaras who cowered in patriotic ignorance before the Enlightened Presence. American flags dissolved in the fiery rays that shot forth from the Smart Set’s eyes. Halfway across the globe, Lee Greenwood collapsed in an incoherent seizure, unable to sing while the Glory shone. On the campaign trail three states over, Donald Trump’s hair melted in an Indiana-Jones-esque display, leaving a pristine baldness on which had been tattooed the familiar green-and-red colors of the Mexican flag. The barista trembled, frightened, in front of the Two Witnesses, begging their mercy…but when they saw the bells that had been weaved into his goatee, the dumbbell piercing in his upper lip and the man-bun sensitively gathered atop his head, they smiled benevolently at him and allowed the Death Ray to pass over him.

After repentance, the rest of the day went somewhat better for Ms. Stenhoffensten. She read a few more chapters in her dog-eared Zinn book, watched a Michael Moore documentary, and searched Urban Spoon for any restaurant that specialized in some exotic non-American cuisine. Replacing the “golden calf” of patriotism with the golden calf of Smart-Set Sourness was all the adventure that she had needed to complete her repentance. 

Whether that adventure took place in Texas or Istanbul was, of course, immaterial to her.  

Let's Talk, America.

Oh, yes, we MUST talk about it. 

It’s time we had a conversation. A discourse. A national discussion on this issue. After all, social media has taught us that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who display their social awareness on Facebook, and the cold, heartless automatons who don’t. We are a nation of cowards, as one prolific talker once said, because we simply don’t talk about it. We’re not afraid to solve the problem; we’re only afraid to talk about it. 

We MUST talk about it, even though we rarely talk of anything else—precisely because the talking we’re doing isn’t the RIGHT talking. We must talk, and talk and talk some more….until the other side talks the same talk as we. Our talking must match our hashtags and profile picture changes as symbols of our soft hearts—hearts softened by talking. 

Oh, please oh PLEASE—let’s talk about it. 

Never mind the talking that’s already been done. Much of it, true, has been one-sided and condescending to the majority of our citizens. But until they talk as we do, their talk is invalid and backwards. They must be made to understand—and can only be made to understand through further talking. If it seems as if the talk we’re talking has all happened before, never mind that. 

Tomorrow, some other Incident will grab the headlines. The media will put its hook into our collective nose and snap our collective head around to look at it….and will demand that we TALK. 

We will talk as though no talking has ever happened before except THIS talking. We will talk with earnestness and zeal and passion—as though no other side exists in the conversation. And if someone dares to disagree with the talk we’re talking, we’ll simply accuse them of not wanting to talk. After all, that’s the unpardonable sin, right? Pretending that the time for talking has passed? 

Let’s talk. 

We can and MUST talk about this. 

And while we’re talking about THIS, on the other side of the country will be—SQUIRREL! Now we must talk about this, too. 

The rural rubes and slack-jawed rednecks, their teeth stained by Copenhagen and carbohydrates, display their ignorance by refusing to be led by the nose to react to the next Incident. They refuse their just penance by refusing to talk. But we—WE—are enlightened. We are cultured. We are sensitive. Because we talk. 

Yes, we MUST talk. About it. 

After all, talking is its own end. Who would be ignorant enough to see talking as an activity that should necessarily lead to solutions? Such hillbillies. Talking is for talking. If we solved any problems, we’d be finished talking. And that can NEVER be. 

As long as we’re talking, then, please don’t speak to us of solutions. Don’t try to “solve” the problem of the latest Incident. Sometimes, we just want to talk. We don’t want that hyper-masculine “problem-solving” paradigm spoiling our sensitive talk-fest. Talk we must, and talk we will. And he who will not talk with us deserves not our validation.

Yes, we must talk. And talk. And talk some more. Let the same things be talked that were talked the last time. The last TEN times. Let us talk as though we’ve never talked before. Let our Orwellian insistence on scrubbing the history of our last ten talks be the driving force behind fruitfully fruitless talking on an even grander scale. 

We. Must. Talk. About. It. 

About it—we must talk. 

Let the talking commence. 

And never end.

Some Thoughts On the State of the GOP Nomination

Random thoughts about last night’s debate:

Kasich, Bush, and Christie should go away. This doesn’t look like the year for liberal RINO’s not named Trump.

Fiorina and Paul are admirable, principled and quite sharp. But they have Achilles’ heels—Fiorina on political correctness (how many sensitivity seminars do you think she’s attended?) and Paul with respect to his childish naivete on foreign policy (utopianism is dangerous whether it comes from the Right or the Left).

Carson is nice, trustworthy, and more respectable than anyone with a D currently after his or her name. But it’s painful to watch the guy try to answer questions in that halting, deer-in-the-headlights voice. He seems out of his depth on foreign policy, though not as badly as Trump. This electorate is too angry for a softie. He’s done.

Trump spent an hour saying nothing, while the two candidates who flanked him took everyone to school with their mastery of detail and specificity. The last 30 years of his career have spoken louder volumes than anything he’s saying right now: he’s supported single-payer health care, advocated for open-border amnesty (until about 10 minutes ago when he changed his mind), donated heavily to both Clintons, voted reliably Democratic in the last three decades of elections, and sued for the right of eminent domain as a corporate entity. This is what has traditionally been called a “Democrat.” The fact that none of his followers seem to know this is strange. The only real rationale for his candidacy is his “winning” motif….and once the caucuses start, none of those internet troll-Trumpkins will be trudging through the snow to make rational arguments in a loud room with other caucus-goers….this is strictly a grown-up affair. He’ll lose Iowa and South Carolina, and the drumbeat for his surrender should start around the 2^nd week of March. Side note: voters who like him typically issue the same reason that Obama voters used to support Obama in 2008; they see him as a messianic figure who will fix things. That’s not how the American executive branch works. It’s sad when the dummies who never passed senior civics class swing elections. Same people who don't understand the electoral college, or the difference between a democracy or a republic. It wouldn't surprise me to learn, in the final analysis, that these are actually THE SAME PEOPLE. Keep your eyes peeled for someone in your life who voted for Obama in 2008 and plans to vote for Trump in 2016. Good chance they didn't pass high school civics. In any event, their eyes probably glazed over last night every time a candidate started talking about actual policy. I doubt if any of them are motivated to even read this far in these musings.

There isn’t too much daylight between Cruz and Rubio. Both of them capture the flag for people who are angry with both parties and with the Media, though these two guys can actually give you deeper detail and a better rationale for voting for either of them. Yes, Rubio fell into that unfortunate Gang of 8 trap in 2013…but he’s recanted his heresy, and his immigration plan is almost identical to everyone else’s now (and WAY more detailed and knowledgeable than Trump’s). He is reliably conservative, sunny in disposition and temperament, is encyclopedic in his attention to detail, and would make a formidable general election opponent. Cruz, also, is exceedingly knowledgeable with respect to both foreign and domestic policy. He has the integrity that Rubio might have lacked in 2013, as well….he has kept every one of his campaign promises to Texas thus far. He has been a principled conservative who (unlike Trump) has actually stood up to Obama, the Democrats, the Media (but I repeat myself) and the liberal RINO Republicans in Washington. He was a championship debater who is brutally effective in cross-examination. This is a man who has argued in front of the Supreme Court and won…he has a ton of experience in the judicial branch of the government, more involvement in the legislative branch than Obama ever had, and is an actual constitutional scholar of repute (unlike Obama).  The media hate him, their sycophantic fans in the Left hate him, and those who regularly subscribe to conventional wisdom hate him…..this is the perfect storm. For those not old enough to remember 1980, this was the exact same situation with Ronaldus Magnus…..hated and feared by the Leftist media, adored by those who were sick of being exploited by Washington. And that guy won the largest landslide in the history of American politics. Don’t look past Cruz’s ground game, either…..he’s got precinct chairmen in every county in Iowa, South Carolina, and all the states for Super Tuesday. He may have enough delegates locked up by mid-March, while the media is still over-covering Trump. Trump’s fans, meanwhile, aren’t sure what “delegates” are….they honestly think that “rolling daily average” poll says something important.

The only daylight between Cruz and Rubio is foreign policy: Rubio seems to tilt a tad toward the old Bush Doctrine, though without all the Wilsonian “export democracy” utopianism. Cruz correctly gets to the right of that view…..though both of these guys are knowledgeable about the topic and would make good commanders-in-chief. They are reliably pro-American. They are not ashamed of their patriotism, and are desirous of defeating the enemy that has declared war on us. Either of these guys would do the job well, and either of them would make formidable opponents to Hillary Clinton, whose ineptitude and dishonesty has already caused the loss of American life. Both of them possess the ability to debate both the Democrat and the Moderator/Media, which is necessary (and which Romney/McCain, et al, could never do).Yes, the Hard Left, Marx-loving, Climate Change-obsessing, anti-GMO, political correctness-embracing, Euro-weenie wanna-be, Language Police will hate either of these two. But there aren't as many of these geniuses as they believe....and their hatred will act as a propellant in the eyes of the rest of the country.

It is distressing to hear so-called conservatives claim to plan on sitting the election out if Trump is nominated. Trump is a buffoon and I do predict he’ll fade away before summer. But if I’m wrong, he’s still a way better choice than the other Democrat in the race, Clinton. To not vote for the guy is to vote for her. Did you folks learn NOTHING from 2012? Romney got ALL the coveted “independents” and lost the conservatives, who stayed home dejected and throwing a tantrum. Grownups know the system: you vote your heart in the primary and your head in the general. Get fired up in the primary, and grit your teeth and pull the lever in the general. Even Democrats know this…..that’s how they win. It’s certainly not because the country suddenly fell in love with Marx and political correctness. It would be nice for our side to have the grownups again.