Hey "Conservative" "Christians"....Stop it.

It has been said that “only Nixon could have gone to China.” In the spirit of that axiom: since I am a conservative who is also a Christian (or a Christian who is also a conservative, depending on which perspective raises your blood pressure more), I feel I might possess the credibility to critique my brothers on the Right. And a critique is, I fear, necessary.

At first glance, you and I seem to be the same: we believe in Jesus, we affirm the authority of the Bible, and we don’t trust Democrats under any circumstance. And yet, every time you feel the need to express yourself politically in the public sphere, I find your observations cringeworthy. Why is this? Is it because I am a spineless RINO who doesn’t love his country? Is it because I’m a closet atheist who finds your faith distasteful? Not at all, friend. I am an unapologetic conservative who is not afraid to proclaim the gospel of Christ with every breath I take. Rather, I argue that you are not conservative—nor, for that matter, particularly Christian. When you say idiotic things on social media like “we need a King David” or “when will our country turn back to Jesus” or “vote for Mike Huckabee,” you reveal an ignorance about the history of the United States that is commensurate with the morons who lapped up the pro-Obama Kool-Aid that the media was doling out in 2008 and 2012. Before you burn the Wheels-Off Theologian in effigy, allow me to do something you NEVER do: walk you rationally through my reasoning.

Reason #1: YOU ARE NOT CONSERVATIVE. The definition of the term “conservative” is not up for subjective debate; in the general discourse about political theory, it is the tendency to preserve the status quo of First Principles. If you believe in preserving the status quo of First Principles, you are a conservative. If you believe that those were wrong and should be changed, you are a modern liberal. You and I both agree that the Democrat Party (post-1972, anyhow) has largely bought into the fallacious and demonstrably false narrative that America is a terrible place of institutionalized racism, selfishness, greed, and genocide. This hysteria doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously, although many in the media and on Facebook appear to believe that it does. You and I, however, both know that America is an exceptional place that was designed to be different from all others—and indeed is. But in what ways?

This is where you have bought into an equally false historical narrative: that this was originally a Christian nation. Read my lips, Dobsonite: this country was NOT set up to be a Christian nation. In fact, the signers of the Declaration of Independence were largely Deist (which is heretical—for those of you in Oklahoma, that means “not Christian”). Rather, the Framers of our nation were intimately familiar with the dangers of a governmental system built on one faction’s definition of “Christian;” that’s why their ancestors fled to these shores to begin with. You might have to dig deeper than your church’s voting guide, but if you do you’ll learn pretty quickly that this was set up to be a pluralistic nation. That is, our system is designed to guarantee the safety of any citizen, regardless of belief. That’s why Americans are comfortable voting for a teetotaling agnostic racist like Woodrow Wilson, or a (Protestant) Christian like Ronald Reagan, or a (Catholic) Christian like John F. Kennedy, or a non-Christian like Mitt Romney. If this is a “Christian” nation run by ANYONE other than Jesus Christ Himself, then we’re all in trouble….because, as all Christians confess, we are fallen and broken, and cannot fix ourselves. Ergo, we cannot be trusted with power. It is the “progressive” who believes that we are basically ok and can be trusted to figure it all out with a better bureaucracy. When you wish for a country whose government mandates your faith, you are occupying the exact same asinine position that progressives do—they just have a different religion.

The conservative understands this and doesn’t trust an individual with much political power; First Principles dictate that power is disbursed from the central to the disparate; our Framers didn’t want a strong central government; that’s why they hamstrung this one with the 10^th Amendment (any power not specifically given to the feds goes AUTOMATICALLY to the states—you know, like the privilege of issuing licenses of any sort). When you pine for a “King David,” you demonstrate either ignorance of this First Principle, or outright rejection of it. We don’t need a “King” ANYTHING. We don’t believe in kings. We are the governing authority in a Republic; not some Dude. If you’ll recall, this is what’s wrong with the Obama Administration: the belief that it is above the law and can issue edicts (overturning Prop 8, ignoring Arizona immigration law, weighing in on racially tinged news stories before they have made their rounds through the legal system, leaning on the Supreme Court to usurp legislative power). The only King Who will do a good job is the King of Kings, when He returns to reign. Until then, utopianism of any hue only results in tyranny—and the murder of the innocents.

If you were a conservative, you would argue forcefully and consistently for a pluralistic society in which a Christian (and everyone else) is free to exercise his choice of faith without political consequence. Like you, I am uncomfortable seeing Kim Davis in jail (as opposed to being fired or suspended)—but that’s not because she shares my religion. It’s because I am conservative. The Framers would have been horrified to see this sorry episode, because the notion of religious liberty exceptions has been codified into the rule of law in this country since the very beginning. Leave it to Orwellian “progressives” to re-cast such exception as “proselytizing” instead of “exception.” Don’t line up with them.

And what of the issue of gay marriage? Like you, I am opposed to the Supreme Court decision—but, again, not because of my religious faith. Rather, I oppose it because I affirm First Principles—the right of the people to be governed by the rule of law, which always has its genesis in the legislative branch of the government. It’s the liberals who love the tyranny of the judiciary (until you remind them that Dred Scott was also a majority opinion—that got overturned by the people in an Amendment). I don’t like the idea of 5 people in robes writing law for the rest of us. If their edict had somehow been friendly to Christians, I would be just as vehemently opposed to it. Where there is tyranny, life is devalued. And as a Christian, I must place the highest possible value on human life. The Framers envisioned a country in which the states could make such laws for themselves; if you are a conservative, learn this and live by it.

Your failure to understand First Principles and vote according to them is what makes you NOT conservative. In fact, you are more accurately described as a “theocratic populist.” That’s worked out really well for Iran, by the way. Stop taking the title “conservative” in vain…..until you learn what one is.

REASON #2: IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU ARE NOT EVEN CHRISTIAN. No, I’m not talking about the nebulous “concern for the poor”—only a moron would fail to recognize that government paternalism hasn’t helped the poor, but has further harmed it, stripped the poor of dignity, devalued their lives and contributions, and been a cynical ploy to buy votes. If anyone really cared about the poor, the FIRST thing they’d do is stop voting for Democrats. But the ignorant cannot be swayed by evidence—mountains of which are readily available to any interested party.

No sir, I’m referring to your poor anthropology. You actually TRUST a Santorum or Huckabee to be different from the others? You REALLY think that a believer in Christ can be trusted with political power more than another? One of the oldest orthodox understandings of Christian anthropology is the affirmation that man is born totally depraved and totally unable to do anything about it (Augustine). Remember, it’s the drum-circle-attending Commies who think we’re “born right the first time.” Why do you suddenly change your mind when it comes to your political candidates? When you are voting for your congressional candidates, do you imagine them wielding great power for the cause of Christ? Or do you just roll into the Presidential elections every four years and hope that a wave of Jesus-y feeling sweeps the elections and we can be returned to greatness?

There is no doubt that God blessed our great nation. But one thing that made our nation great was our Framers’ understanding that because man CAN’T be trusted with centralized political power, any just government must seek to mitigate the resulting damages caused by the wielding of power. That’s why the over-arching value of our country was never “equality” (see: “French Revolution” for how that turned out) but “liberty.” Our Constitution guarantees the God-given liberties of individual citizens (or used to before the Supreme Court changed its mind on that). The Christian understands that.

He also understands that “rights” aren’t defined as “stuff I want.” Remember: that’s how Democrats think. Despite the careful, 12-year-long process of our Founders to deliberately elucidate the specific rights of its citizens, liberals are constantly feeling that anything they want this week should be a “right.” This has led to a slippery slope in which the murder of innocents is a “right” (Roe v. Wade, 1973), or the tenuous belief that a person has a “right” to an education. Liberals didn’t learn the lessons of high school civics class, but that’s no reason for Christians to join them in the Dunce Corner.

If you are Christian, you should have a healthy mistrust of humans holding political power. You should mistrust your government. You should never EVER see it as your Provider or your Husband or Father or Helper.  And you CERTAINLY shouldn't want to trust the government to be the visible hand in the arena of trade, which always results in instability and eventually tyranny (I'm looking at you, Huckabee). You should see it as a necessary evil that has one job: to protect individuals from each other. Stop claiming to be Christian while trusting some guy with too much power. A real Christian is a real citizen….voting in off-year elections, caucusing, being a good citizen. The definition is NOT “showing up every 4 years to post a bunch of ignorant Facebook memes that fail to affirm proper Christian anthropology.” Your "hero" is not a candidate but the Messiah. Conflating the two is what Democrats do (see: Election of 2008).

REASON #3: YOU ARE IGNORANT OF OUR SYSTEM. This goes especially for you geniuses who pitch a big fit when your pet candidate doesn’t get nominated in the primary—and you respond by staying home. As all election observers and compilers of data now know, this is the primary reason President Obama is not now “One-Term President Obama.” The conventional media wisdom is that the country is now liberal—until they are faced with polling data that shows that Americans are still overwhelmingly Center-Right (and not even in close numbers). When the uber-squish Romney was nominated, many so-called “Christian conservatives” just stayed home. Romney won the coveted “independent” vote by a mile…..his statistical numbers of “conservative” voters simply never materialized. There were less of them in 2012 than there were in 2008….despite the continued polling that suggests that they exist and are angry. I’ll spell this out for those of you in Oklahoma: when “Christian” “Conservatives” threw their little rebellion fit against the GOP in 2012, they became just as responsible for unconstitutional executive orders, the continued funding of Planned Parenthood, the sophomoric foreign policy that promises to get all of us killed sooner or later, and the excesses of the Supreme Court. Don’t forget, also, the current spectre of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell practically wetting themselves over the possibility of presenting the currently lame-duck President with any meaningful legislation…..if you had just showed up in 2012, how would it all be different right now? Heck, if you’d showed up in 2008, our housing values might have made a comeback by now. Your ignorance of our system hurt us all—every bit as the whims of the anti-GMO-whining, Vespa-driving Barack-tards.

Allow me to re-educate you on the system designed by our Framers: you get two chances to make your voice heard—once in the primary with your favorite candidate, and once more in the general election with the lesser of two evils. This is how it’s DESIGNED, people. You don’t really change that by staying home and pouting. All you really do is hurt your countrymen. There are more of us than there are of the “progressives;” you hand them even more power when you remain silent as a majority.

I know this is a lot to read, “Christian” “Conservatives.” But a good citizen must be well-read (not like liberals). Thanks for plowing through this. Now, remember: If you are a Christian and a conservative, you must affirm the rule of law. We are governed not by the whims of the majority, or the flavor-of-the-week issue that the media whips everyone into a frenzy about. We are governed by the rule of law, people. And stuff that erodes that is NOT conservative.

I don’t hold out much hope for my “progressive” friends to understand much of this. It would require a complete rejection of the ridiculous history revisionism they love (such as Zinn), as well as a challenge to their belief that man is basically good and decent and just needs a little more political power to rule intelligently. But I have hope for you, “Christian” “Conservative.” You have a sense, however vague and ill-defined, that those folks are wrong and are hurting our country. You’re absolutely right; they are. But until you put down your Pat Robertson action figures and pick up a copy of the Constitution and Federalist Papers and the Declaration, your theocratic populism is ALSO hurting our country.

It’s liberals who base a political stance on their own utopian view of the world, coupled with their over-weening confidence that man is capable of achieving it. It’s liberals who formulate political opinions based on emotions and a vague sense of “fairness,” as though we’re all in kindergarten (which is where most of their history understanding originated). Conservatives don’t do this…..so when YOU do, you need to understand that you’re not being “conservative.” A good citizen needs to read these documents and learn from them and affirm these First Principles in order to be a conservative. And a Christian SHOULD be a good citizen.

Back away from that view of politics that seeks a savior in a candidate. Back away from that knee-jerk reflex that only someone who shares every aspect of your faith is adequate as a candidate. Back away from that theocratic/populist view that a Jesus-y candidate will turn us all into a Jesus-y nation. When you invest that much trust in a human being, and fail to affirm First Principles, you betray true Christianity—AND conservatism.

Stop it.

The Gift

“I’ll take that one.”

I had heard the words escape my mouth even before I’d had the time to think much about them. The ring sparkled forbiddingly at me; though it was pretty cheap by comparison to its neighbors in the jewelry store, it came at a cost that would hurt—badly, for a time. But “hurt” was something to which I’d grown accustomed, and this transaction seemed less like “hurt” and more like the healing of hurt. I handed over the money and made my way back out to the parking lot. It was only money, after all…and when you’re dying, you tend not to hang on to it nearly as much.

Close to this time 10 years ago, we prepared to celebrate our 10^th anniversary. My cancer had recurred, and doctors were beginning to speak in glum tones about the possibilities of beating it a second time. A terrifying surgery had been scheduled for August, and it was literally everyone’s guess how things were going to turn out. I had begun to prepare for the worst-case scenario.

In my preparations, I thought of my 10^th anniversary. It was a rather large miracle that we had made it that far anyhow, and I couldn’t let the moment pass without noting how good God had been to us. When we were first married, I was a broke musician, so her wedding ring had been a James Avery with her birthstone. She had always claimed to love it, so I had never given it a second thought. Now, after having lived through everything we’d lived through, I was determined to show a different level of appreciation for the kind of woman she was—so I bought her an actual wedding ring.

We began our anniversary with the cloud of death looming ominously on the horizon. We attempted to penetrate the shadowy atmosphere of dread with a sort of forced celebratory spirit by going to the cheapo water park in San Antonio, but I was in too much pain to do more than lazily tube down the kiddie river. We changed clothes in our Ford Expedition and went to Outback Steakhouse, where I surprised her with the ring. I finally got a chance to let her know how grateful I was to have such a loyal and devoted wife despite my own character failings, obstinacy and general asininity. It was a beautiful night, in its own strange way—momentarily keeping at bay the foreboding future. We both understood that it was likely to be our last anniversary to celebrate.

You know the story by now; how God answered a multitude of prayers and the death sentence that I’d been given was commuted. As we near the 10^th anniversary of that incredible moment, I’ll probably have more to say on that. But the immediacy of this particular milestone must not pass unnoticed, for in the interim we have celebrated 10 more anniversaries than we thought we’d have. Each one has been a gift, quite literally.  As I prepare to board the plane that takes us back to our home, I am packing the suitcase much less carefully than I did when preparing to come here. I catch the flash of something brilliant in the morning sunlight as it streams through the hotel window; it is the ring on my wife’s finger.

She wears it without the temporal, fleeting excitement of that frightening night those years ago. Instead, now it is less of an adornment than it is a part of her hand. It is a regularity, and a regularity is a comfort. It is a sign that all is right, and as it should be. It is as much a part of her as the color of her skin. Its fanciful yet understated brilliance became her “normal” for the previous 10 years. This is fitting, as well, for it complements her who shines. Surely Lord Byron understood when he wrote the words that always remind me of my wife: “She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.”

I’m so grateful for these 20 years. I’ve never shown it adequately, and I’ve never lived up to my end of this bargain nearly as consistently as she. But as I live and breathe today, I’ve never been more grateful for any of God’s innumerable other gifts than I am this one—that He spared my life that year so that I could spend it with her. The flash of sunlight on that ring brings a reminder that God gives gifts far better than I, and He has certainly out-given me in this case. There are other rings in the world, and they are undoubtedly shinier and more expensive and perhaps more impressive. But this one is hers, and she is mine, and God has provided all.

Take Down This Cross!

I’m going to say something here, and I’ll need you to accept it as valid, regardless of your own personal position on the matter. The reason is because this opinion is mine, which makes it valid all by itself. And while we’re on the subject, by virtue of my having posted it publically on the Interwebs, it is no longer an opinion—but rather is to be accepted as objective, absolute truth by you and everyone else. If you need any further proof of the truth of my opinion/edict, then you need to look no further than social media or the mainstream media (but I repeat myself). The fact that I am on the Hysteria Bandwagon of the month and you are not indicates that you are marginalized and invalid, and thus subject to taunting, bullying, and frankly silencing. Because the rest of us feel this way, you are not allowed to disagree. And now for my carefully considered opinion/edict:

I am calling for the removal of the Christian cross from the entire public square.

It is way past time to retire this offensive symbol. It is causing undue harm to many people the world over, and by “harm” I mean hurt feelings. It is a reminder to many people of the horrific acts of violence committed under the auspices of this symbol. Now I don’t want to see any blog posts or social media rants trying to argue about the “original” “meaning” of this “symbol.” I know many of you—probably meat-eating evangelical types with [*sensitive shudder*] GUNS and GMO’s—want to argue that the cross is the symbol of the hope of all mankind. You want to trot out your tired old argument that the cross on which Jesus died is the universal symbol of God’s grace to mankind. I’m not going to get into that with you. Pearls before swine, and all that.

Rather, I’d like to just remind you of what this offensive symbol means TODAY. After all, what happened yesterday is not important. By silencing anything that might give offense, we are not being condescending in our infantilization of people--like you say--rather, we are EMPOWERING them.

[On a side note, perhaps if you fundamentalists hadn’t allowed your children to be vaccinated, you might understand why we urbane types substituted “Grievance Studies” for “History” in undergraduate. Stop with your obsession with “history,” already. Elections have consequences, and we won. We’re re-writing history, and you are racist. Go ingest more corporation-injected toxins from your hybrid corn and die an early death.]

During the Crusades, Christians committed horrible atrocities under the cross. And no, I don’t want to hear about the atrocities that YOUR “history” books show “started” it all. All you need to know is that the problem with Christianity is Christians, and therefore their symbol must go. That cross offends many of our Muslim brothers and sisters, and is a constant source of pain. It is a reminder that Western “civilization” is guilty of all terrible things in the history of the world, and therefore Westerners must be put in their place, which is extinction. Let’s start by extinct-ing the cross. Just like the dinosaurs and men who work on their own cars, the cross should die a horrific and public death, and anyone who wears one should be placed in the digital stocks of the Interwebs and forced to endure virtual fruit-throwing.

You want more evidence? How about this, O Backwards Consumer Of Gluten: the Ku Klux Klan uses the cross! That’s right—they burn crosses right there in people’s front lawn! Can you believe it? For you to wear a cross around your neck is to show solidarity with the KKK! And that’s why I can’t stop using these exclamation marks! Because you are offending me!

In fact, if the KKK has offices somewhere, they probably have their own stationary that has a cross right there on it! It probably says, “From the Desk of Cletus Whitey, Executive Kluky,” and is festooned with crosses! That organization didn’t exist until 1800 years after the cross became a symbol, but they have appropriated it nonetheless and now when people see the cross they see the Klan. You want to hang out with the Klan? Huh? Are you a racist?

Then get rid of the cross! Take it down now!

I really don’t want to hear any other viewpoints on this. I’ve done a lot of research on this issue—and by “research,” I mean I have personally—PERSONALLY—perused blog posts by people who agree with me, compiled a list of links to news sites that exclude any point of view other than my own, and followed people on Twitter who say the same things I say. Most importantly, I’ve looked around and noticed that all the Cool Kids are saying exactly the same thing I’m saying…..which pretty much leaves you on the outs. You’re not one of us. Think about this, You Foul Consumer Of Music Not Blogged About By Hipsters: If everyone who is anyone agrees with me on this, doesn’t that tell you something? And by “something,” I mean “something bad.”

Yes, I know all about the Majority Illusion argument. I am rolling my eyes at you as you try to remind me of the hilarious quote by Pauline Kael, who infamously noted in 1972 that “no one I know voted for Nixon” as she registered surprise that the President had won the most lopsided electoral victory in (up to that time) history. Poor Pauline lived in a world in which “majority” was a static reality against which she could not rail. We fabricate our own majorities today with hashtag campaigns. What we SAY is the majority IS the majority. Numbers don’t matter, because any of you cretins who disagree with us aren’t valid enough to be counted in the first place.

And I don’t want to hear your mumblings about fascism, either. That’s OUR word for YOU. For every one of you non-Mac-using racists who use the term “New Fascism” to describe our wonderfully Mao-ist Cultural Revolution, we are mentally tarring you with a big scarlet “R” for RACIST. It doesn’t matter if you really believe that you are superior to someone else because of race; that ship sailed a long time ago, O Bitter Clinger To God And Guns.

Racism is what WE say it is, and you are it. Now repent and start listening to Whiny College Kid Music.

Yes, the cross must go. People need to be liberated from its oppressive offense, and it needs to be relegated to a museum (until we change our minds about that, too). Don’t speak to me about the equivalence of symbol-scrubbing with history-scrubbing. I’ve already told you what history is, and the Cool Kids have all agreed with me already. Go back to your “property” and leave this conversation. For the last time: anyone who displays a cross is a Racist. There are no other innocent displays of this symbol now that the Cool Kids have agreed on it. Agree with us or suffer the consequences.

Oh, are you still talking? Do you honestly believe that you have a valid opinion on this? Go back to your gated community, until we come for that, too. Do not speak. Do not post. Do not respond. Do not react with defiance to our pretensions of cultural supremacy and authority. For we have ways of shutting you up. FOR GOOD.

My passion will die down in a few weeks, until the media gins up the Hysteria Factor once again by exploiting a news story and taking me off down a tangent. You either take this ride with the rest of us, or go live in a shack in the woods—which will make us nervous, and we’ll have to ban that, too. There is never a shortage of Good to do. Somewhere, somehow, someone is being offended—and we will put a stop to it.  

Which means, ultimately, we’ll put a stop to YOU.

I take it by your silence that you are finally agreeing with me.