Dallas (AP)—a Worship Pastor from a nondenominational megachurch in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex has resigned under pressure to explain his controversial decision to use real drums in worship service instead of the popular electronic v-drums. Rev. Jerrod Crunchfauser delivered a resignation letter to the senior pastor of OCICTYC (Our Church Is Cooler Than Your Church) Wednesday morning.
The decision came after a firestorm erupted following Sunday morning’s service. Many churchgoers were heard hissing disgustedly about the authentic sound of actual drums in church.
“It’s disgraceful,” said one person who asked to remain anonymous. “I thought all of the non-denoms had gotten the memo that only fake drums were to be used in service.”
Another churchgoer displayed more anger: “Who does he think he is? Did he think he could just change the way people do things?”
Rev. Crunchfauser didn’t offer an explanation; only a bewildered look on his face as he slunk shamefully out of cleaned-out office. A gauntlet of staff members lined either side of the hall as the disgraced worship pastor slowly made his way through them. A military march was performed on the v-drums as he faced the senior pastor, who sternly eyed Crunchfauser as he performed the defrocking ceremony. The senior pastor then reached up toward the Worship Pastor’s lapel and removed his honorary David Crowder backstage passes and tore them in two, scattering the pieces on the floor. He then stepped on the Crunchfauser’s Toms shoes, leaving dirt from the horribly raped environment on the sensitive cloth shoes. “You have made us the laughingstock of other churches,” intoned the senior pastor. “Only if we returned to singing non-existentialist hymns could we be more embarrassed than we are now. Take the devil’s authentic instrument out of this house of praise. And may God have mercy on your soul.”
It was not immediately known how many years it had been since a Protestant megachurch used actual drums in a service; many experts suggested it may have been as far back as the days when people sang out of carefully edited hymnbooks, instead of illiterate power point presentations slapped together at the last minute. For his part, Crunchfauser seemed genuinely repentant of his crime. Shaking his head, he mumbled something about working harder to be a good conformist in the future as he climbed into his Chevrolet Volt.
The church is having a drum-burning session Saturday night, and the entire congregation is expected to turn out to support the destruction of the drum kit. Many churchgoers voiced anticipation that Saturday was too far away.
“That authentic sound was scary…like the devil himself was playing,” said one woman. The official church statement in the bulletin read: “The offensive instrument has been removed. That sort of sound is not safe for the whole family, and we will immediately return to the soft, soothing saccharine sounds of fakery.”
Less clear is the impact on the church’s impressionable youth group. Some adults claimed that they had caught some of their children scouring YouTube for actual bands that used drums in years gone past. A great deal of collective nervousness pervades the churchgoers with respect to how soon the children can forget the terrifying sound of real drums once and for all.
“We will continue to use v-drums and sing Chris Tomlin tunes,” said the senior pastor, who also asked to remain anonymous, “until we get the next memo from the Millennial Generation Cross Cultural Ministry representative, once they graduate from seminary.”
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