Wheels-Off Reverse Bucket List

Anyone can make New Years' Resolutions. Rather than jump on that bandwagon (I'll just keep mine to myself), I did some thinking on things I have NEVER done and WILL NEVER do. I'll call it my Anti-Resolution List. I'm sure you will be duly offended.

1. I’ve never played Halo. Grown men don’t play video games. Sorry, Millennials, but it’s true—and a big reason why no one takes you seriously.
2. I’ve never played fantasy football. I’m enough of a dork in other areas of my life to invest myself in the ultimate symbol of dorkdom itself. Also, I love football too much to bastardize it in that way.
3. I’ve never voted for a Democrat. I haven’t always voted for Republicans, either, but I can guarantee you I have never voted for a Democrat. I’m too much of an American exceptionalist for that.
4. I’ve never been “part of the crowd.” Everyone wants to lay claim to this one, but of course it’s not true in most cases. For me, it was significantly easier than it seems. I had a horrific social existence in high school, so the ability to think for myself and take unpopular, principled stands wasn’t a big stretch for me when I grew up. I was, simply put, used to being rejected by the crowd…so it didn’t bother me to be distinct from them.
5. I’ve never enjoyed pop music. When I was a freshman in high school, Michael Jackson’s Thriller came out. I hardly noticed, because that was also the year that Stevie Ray Vaughan’s Texas Flood also came out. From a young age, I saw the music of the followers as inferior. To me, there is no tangible difference between Michael Jackson, Tiffany, the Spice Girls, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, or Lady Gaga. It’s all the same schlock, sold to the same people, who will one day be embarrassed to have to admit that they listened to it.
6. I’ve never abandoned the Cowboys. Yeah, they’ve abandoned me, alright, but I’ve stayed true to the Blue. Frustrating, to be sure. Bumping around town in an Aaron Rodgers jersey just because he wins the Super Bowl isn’t my style. A Staubach one, maybe.
7. I’ve never borrowed money against the equity in my home. I’m still mildly shocked that I even have equity. I can’t imagine jeopardizing it for a jet ski.
8. I have never purchased special rims for any of my cars. When I spend money on one of my vehicles, it’s to maintain it properly or to make it run faster, better, or meaner. I could care less about owning $400 blades.
9. I have never played golf. I know it’s a requirement for business people, men in ministry, and professionals of all kinds. I fit into all three categories, and have never played a hole in my life. I already have an expensive hobby—hunting—and I’m barely any good at that.
10. I’ve never NOT received a traffic ticket. In fact, I’ve never even made it through a single two-year period without getting one or twelve.  I’ve been driving since around 1987. It’s doubtful that one should be proud of this one, but since there doesn’t seem to be much hope of my ever breaking this dubious streak, I might as well wear it like a uniform. The Ticket Kid salutes all you “good drivers.” Now please get out of the left lane and do your ten-and-two routine in the far right one, thanks.