I HAVE DECIDED TO POST MY OPINION ABOUT A POLITICAL MATTER ON FACEBOOK

I have decided to post my opinion about a political matter on Facebook.

In particular, I’m going to post my opinion about a law I know next to nothing about, in a state that has no jurisdiction over my life, because I know that all of you want to hear from me on this. I know I didn’t go to law school, but fortunately my opinion on this issue (and all others) is just as valid as the people who drafted the legislation and argued for and against it in the duly elected body of representatives of that state (in which I don’t live). The reason that my opinion is just as valid is not because I have done any serious study about the historical context of this law, or the law itself, or the ramifications of the law. It’s because my opinion is held by ME, which makes it valid. After all, any position I hold is equally valuable to any position anyone else holds, right?

Yes, I’m going to do all of you a favor and comment on this, because the world simply cannot continue rotating on its axis without my voicing my Equally Valid Opinion. Besides, I DID do some personal research on this issue—especially if, by “research,” I don’t actually mean any of the following: 

• ·         The United States Constitution and its amendments

• ·         The Constitution of the state in question

• ·         The published opinions of numerous legal minds on the issue in the years leading up to this moment

• ·         Any published studies on the long-term ramifications of passing or rejecting this law, particularly as it’s been tried in other places

I know that the people who drafted this law are all folks who graduated near the top of their high school classes, then near the top of their college classes, then attended law school and graduated from that, then worked as a clerk for a justice somewhere for several years, and have generally spent over half of their lives studying the law and doing legal work. It took years to draft the legislation, and it cleared a great many hurdles so as to ensure that no one acted out of reactionary emotion. It was a lengthy and deliberate process, conducted by experts in this field. I did none of those things, was not part of any process, and know nothing about the legislative details. But all of their work on this law can be boiled down to a very simple observation: I don’t agree with them.

Nope, I don’t have to do any of that stuff, because the validation of my opinion stems from only one source: my existence. Because I happen to believe this, it is valid. No sir and ma’am, my research consisted almost entirely of perusing some comments on Salon.com, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and Rachel Maddow. That’s all anyone really needs, right?

Yes, in the confusing milieu of cacophonous voices sounding off on this issue, it is imperative that I make my Equally Valid Voice heard. After all, when the people of some other state (in which I don’t live) write their own laws, it always comes down to the very black-and-white issue of the following dichotomy: either you agree with me and my Equally Valid Opinion, or you are a terrible person. Perhaps you are a racist. Maybe even a sexist. Worse, you may be a homophobe. But there are only two options here: either you agree with me, or you must be made to pay the consequences.

I don’t want to hear any talk of constitutionality or tyranny or liberty or private business or any of that stuff. Those are difficult concepts to master for those of us who only read HuffPo. My opinion is valid, people, and you have a right to it. In fact, we all have rights to anything we want.

While we’re on that topic, I don’t want to hear any more talk about the definition of a “right.” It is not important to me how the Founding Fathers defined it; after all, they were just a bunch of racist, sexist, homophobes, right? So they’re disqualified from having an Equally Valid Opinion. Nope….a “right” is defined as “anything I want, whenever I want it.” Obviously, if you disagree with me, you are trying to return us to Jim Crow or--*gasp and shudder*--1952! Everyone who is anyone knows that nothing good ever happened in the 1950’s. Or anytime that I wasn’t alive.

I am offering my opinion because it is important that we all line up on the same side of the aisle here. All of the Cool Kids share my opinion, so when I share mine on Facebook I’m only showing that I’m one of them. In fact, that’s the whole reason to have an opinion in the first place—to show solidarity with the Cool Kids. I felt that way about designer jeans in high school, and I feel that way about politics and religion now.

I represent tolerance and love and peace and rainbows and unicorns. Those of you who disagree with me represent hate and prejudice and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Don’t try to over-complicate intricate legal issues with nuance and critical thinking. This is my opinion, and you’re entitled to it.

Another thing I’d like to post for everyone on Facebook: please stop talking about the Founding Fathers. They’re, like, OLD. Who cares what they thought? They didn’t know about cars, tennis shoes, plasma screens, X-box, or Ellen. Why should anything they had to say be relevant for today? Here is another valid opinion (valid because it is mine): Everybody everywhere should have to obey the exact same laws. Whatever the law is in New York should be exactly what it is in Texas. Why? Because it seems like a good idea to me. Nobody before me ever thought about any of this stuff before, so just deal with my Equally Valid Opinion, losers.

I am now going to courageously post my Equally Valid Opinion regarding this particular political issue. It’s courageous because all the Cool Kids are doing it, and I am one of them. Too bad you’re probably not. Also, I’m rubber and you’re glue….bounces off me, and sticks to you. The end.

Please like my status. If you don’t, you’re a racist, sexist homophobe who’s waging a war on women while probably watching Duck Dynasty. My tribe is better than your tribe, because I am in it. And I am in it because it is better. Unicorns.