Wednesday, October 2, 2019

I AM ABOUT TO POST MY OPINION ON SOCIAL MEDIA ABOUT A COURT CASE I KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT


Yes, folks, get ready again: I’m comin’ at you full force with yet another opinion post on social media. And like all my opinions, this one is valid because…..it comes from me! I scrolled carefully through my social media feed, saw a news story that a friend posted, read it, immediately chose sides based on that reading, and now have a fully formed opinion that all of you have a right to read. I’m sorry I couldn’t put it on YouTube—that would have reached a larger audience, since no one really reads any more—but I couldn’t get YouTube to come out to the office.

Yes, I am about to post my opinion on social media regarding a court case that does not actually involve me at all. In fact, this court case isn’t really even in my town, or district. The jury verdict does not affect my life; it only makes one tribe cheer and the other tribe mourn.

I know what you’re thinking, Olds….and you’re wrong, as usual. Court cases USED to be decided by the rule of law, using jury trials made up of localized peers, in a localized setting, so that justice would be meted out legally and locally, which the Founders knew was the only approximation of justice we could arrive at in this world. And I know how much you Olds love the Founders. But times change, man. You’re living in the past, man. You need to get with the program and realize that once a court case makes it to my social media feed, MY sense of justice is aroused, and must be slaked like the bloodthirst I have for anyone who disagrees with me. The long arm of my emotion-driven legal opinion should stretch to all jurisdictions.

No, I didn’t go to law school. Why would I need to know anything about the law to have a valid opinion on a court case? No, I haven’t read the Constitution, which you Olds think is the law of the land. Who needs that crap? I know what’s “fair” and “equal” and “just” in my mind, and now you all are going to get a healthy dose of it. Besides, I watched enough SVU to get the gist of things.

No, I am not interested in the facts of the case. That’s, like, BORING. The possibility of conviction beyond a reasonable doubt? The possibility of an acquittal because of reasonable doubt? None of that matters to me. I made up my mind about this case a long time ago, and the facts of the case have nothing to do with it. It’s all about the “underlying” issues that “feed into” a certain “narrative.” When I use those words, of course I really mean that underlying issues have become THE MAIN ISSUE for me. And that’s all that matters, isn’t it? Look: I kinda-sorta perused a half-baked news op-ed piece about an obscure court case that I know nothing about. Taking one underlying issue and making it THE MAIN ISSUE is my right as a half-baked American. And what matters to me, deep down, is my emotional response to all of it. My opinion matters because it comes from me, not because it is rooted in anything as Oldster as “fact,” “legality,” or “relevance.”

Besides, court cases aren’t where justice is served. That’s just the boring game we watch on television—while the rest of us pretend to have our own talk shows on social media, haranguing each other back and forth eternally for wearing the other tribe’s jersey. THAT’S where the real justice happens. Ginning up enough emotional hysteria on social media that people think of me as a warrior for justice.

You Olds talk a lot about “due process,” and “constitutionality,” and “presumption of innocence,” and “laws of discovery,” and “pre-trial motions,” but none of that matters to us, the ones who really matter. Scalps must be taken. Jobs must be removed. People must lose their occupations, their reputations, their dignity as human beings—because they are wearing the wrong tribal jersey. They’re on the wrong side of the jury verdict. Back in the day, every jury verdict resulted in grim and mournful sorrow on both sides: it is a solemn thing to witness actual justice in action. It was so grim, in fact, that we couldn’t handle a steady stream of it—we had to care only about the stuff that pertained to us locally. But now that we’ve taken over and redefined “justice” as “revenge,” these jury verdicts are really a time for either celebration or clinical depression—and that win-loss tribal cheering/jeering should spread to all jurisdictions.

Yep, I’m getting ready to post my opinion on social media about a court case that doesn’t really impact me at all. It’s not in my town, probably not my state, certainly not in my legal district. I wasn’t selected as a juror, I don’t know anything about the law, and most of my understanding about the case I’ve gleaned through social media. What more do you need, Olds? Get ready to endure my hot take on this court case. And get ready to get on board, or else. There is no room in the Brave New World we’re building for disagreement, nuance, or even “knowledge.” There is room for me and my opinion, which is valid because it is mine.

Which makes your opinion invalid, because it’s not.


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