Grand Rapids – (AP) – from wire reports
Environmental authorities have arrested Rob Bell in Grand Rapids, Michigan, following a lengthy investigation. Police spokesman Burt Slaphap gave a statement to the media that outlined details of the arrest of the famous pastor, and it is clear that many infractions were documented.
“Pastor Bell was spotted by an anonymous witness driving a car with more than two working cylinders, and that car was not a Prius,” said Slaphap. Other charges included: throwing a metal can in the wrong waste container (Penal Code 23.5b), exhaling (Penal Code 241.5a), and wearing tacky t-shirts not made from hemp (Penal Code 4.6G). The press conference included video footage of Bell sashaying through a gauntlet of reporters in the classic “perp walk,” his delicate hands clamped together with burgundy Louis Vitton velvet handcuffs. When asked if he wanted to make a statement to the media, Bell offered: “When my defense attorney Gloria Steinem gives me the green light (and shouldn’t ALL lights be green?), I believe the record will show that I was not actually driving a real car. I was trying to sabotage it so it wouldn’t start.”
No immediate response was available from the Earth. At the time of his arrest, witnesses reported that the moon turned blood-red, the sun was darkened, and several earthquakes were reported. Business sources noted that the stock price of Apple Computers fell thirteen points, prompting many trendy young evangelicals to believe that the Apocalypse had begun.
Bell seemed composed despite the embarrassing arrest, his trademark glasses perched atop the bridge of his nose, his typically earnest expression undaunted by the presence of green-clad, grim-faced officers. He was led away in a matching boxer-t-shirt combo, with the words “Luscious” printed across bottom of his boxers. The only deviation from his normal appearance was his haircut, which has changed somewhat drastically since the early 2000’s, when he first burst prissily onto the edgy church culture scene. Bell acolyte Lolly Henrengen offered a simple explanation: “he has undergone several changes to reflect his evolving status through the years. He began with the trendy ‘mussed up’ look, but after gaining a commanding following from twenty-something evangelicals determined to be edgy without actually having to engage in any sort of societal rebellion, his haircut was trimmed back to a more severe flat-bang approach, eerily reminiscent of Moe from the Three Stooges. Now, after all the recent attention from his book, he has decided to go with the completely shorn Moby look.” Ms. Henrengen seemed chagrined when at least one reporter disagreed with her assessment of the new cut: “Pastor Bell’s new cut actually has a hint of rugged masculinity to it—I’d say it’s more Sinead O’Connor than Moby, to be sure.”
“I can assure all of you,” Ms. Henrengen said icily, “that there is not a hint of masculinity in that haircut.”
As Bell was loaded onto the back of a squad bicycle, a Green Weenie helmet was strapped to his bald head and adjusted to fit snugly under his chin. Green Squad officers had to remove the Bluetooth earpiece from Bell’s ear, but the helmet otherwise went on smoothly. As the driving officer on the bicycle seat in front of Bell rang his handlebar bell, the arrested pastor placed both arms around the man’s waist and laid his helmeted head gently against his back. The bicycle pulled into the sidewalk and began its journey toward the Green Station.
Ms. Henrengen and several of his loyal followers began gathering up Bell’s personal belongings that had been left behind: a Kindle, an iPad, and several Indigo Girls cd’s. Though reporters attempted to question the followers, all of them had earbuds in and refused to answer. Only Ms. Henrengen offered a statement: “Pastor Bell will be bailed out immediately. His followers have lots of disposable income, a lot of guilt for having that income, and a desire to see social justice done—which, in this case, means freeing Pastor Bell. I can assure you that, when all the facts come out, you’ll all see that Pastor Bell would really never do anything to hurt Mother Earth. In fact, this was probably all a set-up from one of those mean-head orthodox Christians. They’re always trying to hurt our feelings here at Mars Hill Church.”
Arraignment for Mr. Bell will be tomorrow morning at 7 A.M., prompting at least one Bell follower to suggest that perhaps fellow media noise-maker Harold Camping might be persuaded to move up the Rapture date to coincide with Bell’s release.
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