Michelle Bachmann's Voice Weaponized And Dropped On Enemy Camps

(AP)—Minnesota—

The United States Department of Defense announced today that it had completed its first series of tests on the new Bachmann Bomb, an innovative weapon developed in recent months in top secret bunkers in the Beltway area.

The Bachmann Bomb is a weaponized recording of Michelle Bachmann’s voice that has been produced in mp3 form and dropped on enemy Al-Qaeda camps. Initial Al Jazeera press reports estimated the casualty total at one camp at upwards of 53 terrorists. According to one source, the Bomb detonated at 15 feet above ground, and seconds later terrorists began shooting themselves to escape the resulting sound.

One local Afghan recorded the incident on his cell phone. The resolution is grainy, but the sound quality is captured. The nasal, flat “a’s” and “o’s” are clearly heard penetrating flesh in the camps. The slow, rhythmic lilt of Bachmann’s upper-Midwestern dialect can be seen knocking one bearded man to the ground, his turban askew and his rifle harmlessly fallen by his side.

Meanwhile, Amnesty International has called for an investigation into the use of the Bachmann Bomb, claiming that the unusual cruelty of such a weapon constitutes war crimes that could be prosecuted in the Hague. Says Wendy Gaslenship, Amnesty International’s Committee Chairperson of Drum Circles and Bong Hits: “it’s wrong and un-American to inflict this kind of mass casualty on any other human being. This is no different than Hiroshima, and the makers of this weapon should be held accountable for the lasting damage this voice is doing to civilization.”

Anonymous sources have reported that four scientists committed suicide while in the process of developing the bomb. One is reported to have stabbed himself repeatedly in the side of the head with a butter knife during initial testing, exclaiming, “Make it stop! Make it stop! I can’t take it any more!”

When asked for comment regarding the weaponization of her voice, Bachmann opened her mouth to respond, but was silenced by the press corps, who asked her to simply write a response.