Bart Senstugamen, a 23-year-old 2nd year seminary student, was ostracized Tuesday for bringing a book to class. It was the first time a student under 30 had undergone the controversial treatment, but had followed a series of three warnings from fellow Millennials to cease buying and reading actual books.
Senstugamen himself was unapologetic about his decision to bring the book, J.I. Packer’s Knowing God, to class. “I like the way it feels in my hand,” he explained. I like to smell the pages as I peruse the typeface. I like books. So sue me.”
His classmates are only too happy to pursue this option. Says Katelyn Sniftersausen: “Some day soon—when we’re running things—it will be a crime to not own a Kindle. We’re going to put the publishing industry completely out of business for their systematic rape of the environment!” Ms. Sniftersausen shouted as she drained the last drops of gourmet coffee from her Styrofoam cup. Rob Heeglaw agreed: “I think Bart’s really guilty of just trying too hard to be nonconformist. He’d be ok if he could just act like a normal 23-year-old, instead of, like, OLD.”
For his part, Senstugamen refuses to buy an iPad, a Kindle, or any other e-reader, because of his self-professed “love for books.” He considers the standard Millennialist techno-fetish a mere continuance of high-school-era squabbles over who wore Calvin Klein and who wore Target knock-offs of Calvin Klein. “They’re all just going after the next Shiny New Thing,” he snorted. “None of their gadgets actually save them time or money; they are wasters of both.” When this interviewer pointed out to Senstugamen that the same books he loved could be read on Kindle, he replied: “name one Kindle buyer who is reading for any reason other than an assignment or to impress another Millennial.”
“Kindle readers don’t love books,” he continued. “They don’t dog-ear a page they want to return to. They don’t cherish the cover art. They don’t take satisfaction from the stack of completed pages as compared to the stack of pages yet to go. They don’t even read, really….they just peruse at their own pace. In this way, THEY become the ultimate arbiters of the written word, not the author.”
Senstugamen endured the taunts of his fellow Millennials in a stone-faced manner, merely walking alone to the cafeteria to eat. On either side of him, two lines of Millennials formed. It was a perfect picture of Beiber-esque coifs, carefully untucked flannel, and expensive shoes. “Way to go, Rumsfeld!” shouted one Millennial, and shouts of “Old Dude” and “Obsolete” rang out through the crisp morning air.
Senstugamen turned down a request for an in-depth interview, but did offer one last statement concerning the mob that taunted him on his way to the cafeteria: “I can go to my bookshelf right now and physically pull down a copy of Fahrenheit 451 and read about this very scene. What’s really hilarious is how this truly conformist crowd thinks of itself as original.”
Because of his status as Ostracized, Senstugamen will no longer be eligible for the free TMZ updates to his cell phone, or the Like, Super Gay Scholarship being offered to bright young techno-philes who haven’t voluntarily read a book since Goodnight, Moon (in 11th grade).
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